'Cause She's Got Personality

Peter took over 200 pictures of our sweet munchkin the other day - here are just a few:

A Few Firsts

I'm writing this as Eden naps and have no idea how much time I have - it could be minutes, it could be an hour (doubtful). So I'm just going to chuck out news/thoughts as they occur to me which likely means this will be a very disorganized post. But whatever, here goes:

Eden News (which, be honest, is probably all you're really here for anyway - and I don't blame you - it is, after all, why I started this blog in the first place):

• Since my last post, Eden has successfully rolled over multiple times - always from stomach to back and always over her right side. The first time we thought it was a fluke and maybe she just kind of fell over since we had her propped up a tad, but then we removed the prop and she promptly rolled over again - twice in a row. She has done it several times again since then - even once on request in front of a friend. (I would like to think that this means we are going to have a very obedient child, but I doubt this is so based on the following observation.) It should be noted that this rolling over always occurs when she has grown tired of mandated "tummy time" and has decided that if we aren't going to move her she is just going to take matters into her own hands.
• Speaking of her hands, a few nights ago she also sucked her thumb for the first time. She likes to suck on Peter's arm when he's holding her and she occasionally will kind of gnaw at her fist, but this was the first time she was clearly focused completely on just her thumb. It was very cute.
• She has become a very smiley baby - and she does the great baby thing of smiling with her whole face - wide open mouth, squinted eyes, etc. She smiles the most right after a good long nap, occasionally while pooping, and definitely while being cleaned up on the changing table. (She especially gets a kick out of being fanned dry.) For this reason, we are often reluctant to take her off of the changing table. She also really likes her crib mobile. She smiles the least anytime I get out the video camera. :)
• She took her first bottle this week - just an ounce (for "practice") on Monday night and then a full bottle (about 4 ounces) on Tuesday night while I went to women's Bible study. Peter said it took her about 20 minutes of fussing to drink the first half ounce or so and then suddenly she seemed to get the trick and downed the rest in just a few minutes. (I'm looking forward to the freedom that a bottle will provide, but I was also secretly pleased that she didn't immediately prefer the bottle over nursing. My baby needs me!)
• She attended her first high school football game last Friday and was very well behaved. Probably because she was being held by other people almost the whole night. She was able to wear her footie pajamas (it's normally too hot for those here) and looked extremely adorable.
• She's starting to make little baby talk noises: oohs and aaahs and squeals. I still haven't heard a clear laugh or giggle (except once or twice during sleep), but I'm really looking forward to it.
• She's getting chubby thighs. I think I'm finally able to let go of my fear that she's not getting enough to eat because of this clear evidence to the contrary. I continue to read that she should be eating 20-40 minutes each meal time, and she continues to eat for only about 10 minutes - with some coaxing (she's usually really done after about 7 or 8 minutes). She also continues to have green foamy poop. (Are you officially a parent when you consider the status of your daughter's poop important enough to announce to the world?) But as this does not seem to concern her (or Peter or our pediatrician) in the slightest, I guess I will have to officially resign my fear. But it's really the chubby thighs that did it.

Other News:

• Ummmm. Can't really think of much to say here.
• Peter's job is going well.
• I need to find time to finish my classwork or it's never going to happen.
• I'm not allowing myself to read another baby book until Eden turns 3 months old (she'll turn 8 weeks tomorrow by the way!). I'm reading Little Women in little bits as I can for fun.
• Our friends threw a "Midwest Fest" to celebrate our birthdays - we grilled steaks, ate casseroles and peach cobbler, and watched football. It was lots of fun.
• The fact that it is now officially fall has really made me miss home. No changing leaves or cool temps here.
• Eden and I get to go with Peter to a school conference in the mountains in a few weeks - I'm really excited!

Well, that's all for now! Overall, life is very good, and we feel very blessed (although a bit discombobulated by all the changes at times too). Here's a picture of our beautiful daughter, who is indeed a delight (as her name means), to leave you with:


And she's awake!!

A Few New Photos

We took these pictures on the computer today:

Fear

So I've been thinking lately about how big of an issue fear is in my life.

I've mentioned several times recently how much I worry about Eden, and although that's sort of gotten a little better - mostly just because I'm a little more used to my role as a parent - it's still a very big problem for me. In fact, I was just telling Peter recently that I feel kind of angry about how much of the joy of these first few weeks of our daughter's life has been eaten up by all my stress and worrying. I guess in a way part of all this fear and doubt and anxiety can be blamed on the miscarriage. I still very much feel the pain of that loss (just thinking of it now brings tears to my eyes), and I suppose the experience has made me somewhat hyper-vigilant about anything that might cause similar loss and pain in the future. But the truth is, at the end of the day, I know it's just plain ol' fear stealing my joy and peace regardless of what face it wears.

I'm pretty familiar with fear actually - I've been a worrier all my life, I think, and have had some pretty serious struggles with stress and anxiety since high school at least, maybe junior high. And at the moment I'm kind of mad because I'm 29 years old now, and I'm still bearing the same weight on my shoulders - constantly worrying about everything. Part of what attracted me to Peter is his ability to not worry and not stress about things, but the truth is I envy him sometimes. I really, really, really want to not be a worrier. I want to just enjoy this time with my daughter. I want to just enjoy this time in my life period. And as a Christian, I know I'm supposed to be free from fear. I mean "don't be afraid" and "don't worry" are pretty common commands in the Bible. But in all honesty, right at this moment I'm so frustrated because I know I'm not supposed to be afraid or worry, and I don't want to be afraid, and yet that's exactly what I keep on doing all the time, and I have no idea how to be any different. All I know right now is that it isn't a matter of wanting or trying because I've got a lot of that under my belt and it hasn't done much good. (For crying out loud, I led a Bible study on overcoming fear in college - what on earth made me think I was qualified for that?)

Anyway, this post isn't actually going anywhere because I don't have a conclusion for it at the moment. That's kind of the point really - a conclusion to the fear and worry is very much what I'm looking for, and right at the moment, I'm just wondering if it's even possible.

I Don't Understand...

...how I can spend so much time trying to get Eden to fall asleep (hoping that this time she'll stay asleep), and then 5 minutes after I've walked out of the nursery, really miss her and wish she would wake up so I could see her pretty face and eyes again.