A Little Baby Insanity - Straight From Me To You

I am so sorry that I haven't posted to this blog for awhile. I always knew I'd never be the daily posting type, but I was hoping to have at least a weekly update. And now it's been a month... Well, all I can say is that I started this blog to post news about the baby, and since she's not technically here yet, everything so far has really just been a warm-up! Or something like that.

Speaking of baby, did I mention she's not here yet? I'm not sure how I feel about this. In a way I don't feel ready at all - I tried to swaddle a stuffed animal this morning and failed miserably (and I tried about 5 times). So much for that Baby Care Basics class we took. I also would love more time to get more stuff done around the house. The nursery is functionally ready, but not really decorated yet, etc.

On the other hand, people are starting to stare at me wherever I go. I am generally feeling awkward and uncomfortable on a daily basis - almost like my body isn't my body - at least not the one I've known for almost the last 3 decades. I keep dropping things. When I get out bed, my legs feel like they might just snap off. (Seriously, no one told me that at the end of pregnancy your legs might feel like they're just going to break off completely from your hips at any moment. I feel like the Barbie dolls that my brother and I used to use as test dummies for random experiments until they're appendages started to come off on a regular basis. What is that?) I only have two more days of work (yaaaayyyyyyyy!!), but school is running me into the ground. (My professor will give me an Incomplete when I go into labor, but I really want the Incomplete now so that I can have at least some time to rest and appreciate the last few weeks/days of life as just a couple instead of working to 1:30 in the morning like I've done lately.) So in a way I want the baby to come as soon as possible. But then I feel really selfish for wanting our daughter to be born just so I can get out of school or avoid some of the more uncomfortable physical aspects of pregnancy.

The truth is I can't wait to meet her, and I'm terrified at the same time.

Peter is extremely excited which is so cute and always gets me feeling super enthusiastic and ready. But when he goes to work and it's just me in the house with the homework and the to-do list and the Barbie doll legs, I start to wonder. What have I done? Am I ready for this? Is this kid even going to like me? Dr. Phil says that kids are just blank slates that we write on for better or worse. I'm pretty confident that I have no business writing on anyone's slate. I guess this whole pregnancy has been like the beginning of the roller coaster where you're slowly chugging up the hill for the first big drop - and now I've reached those last few moments where we're really high up, and the anticipation is overwhelming, and I can see the drop off that's just ahead - and from up here it looks like the edge of the world. And panic is setting in. And the only thing keeping me from screaming my head off and begging to be let off is the increasingly meaningless idea that I'm supposedly an adult and am too cool and mature for all that.

And then the baby kicks or something, and I just can't wait to see her face to face and find out exactly who this new little person is whose soul and body have been knit together by the hand of God.

So yeah, baby isn't here yet. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Early Morning Ramble

Well, it's 5:57 in the morning here, and I've been up since about 4:15 am. I finally decided that if I was going to be awake, I might as well do something - thus, here's a new blog post! We're in a bit of a heat wave here in Southern California which has made falling to sleep initially difficult, and for me anyway, third trimester pregnancy has meant that once I wake up (which usually happens sometime in the 4 o'clock hour), I can't fall back asleep again - at least not until about 7 or 8 o'clock, which is when I have to get up anyway.

Other than my sleep deprivation issues, things here are going pretty well. Baby is kicking and moving around like a madwoman right now, which I always figure is a good sign of health and vitality. Work is going well enough. I've noticed a slightly decreased interest in my reference questions lately - I don't seem to be enjoying the research quite as much as normal - but I think this might just be a reflection of being distracted by other non-work life events. For example, school is being a bit of a bear: I'm taking a web design class which I thought was for beginners, but 80% of what the teacher said in lecture yesterday went completely over my head, so I may have been misinformed about that when I registered for class. The information is interesting though (we're learning HTML and CSS right now), so even if I'm facing a monstrously steep learning curve, that helps. Unfortunately, I'm having to spend about 4 hours a day in homework on this class just to try to keep up at all - and I'm not even sure that's enough (since the last lecture was mostly gibberish to me). Normally this situation would stress me out to the extreme, and I definitely have felt some serious stress at moments, but on the other hand, it's my last class before graduating, it's more of an elective (not essential to my job so anything I learn is a bonus), and there's a reasonable chance I'm going to have to take an Incomplete for it anyway if Baby comes on or before her due date. All good reasons not to worry too much I figure. Although it sure would be nice to have some free time for other things.

That's about it for my life here at the moment. Pete's enjoying his job and getting to work with some new colleagues. He has a really great group of chaplains for next year. And he's starting a drumline which both he and many of the kids are excited about! We've enjoyed a couple of great baby showers recently and feel so appreciative of all of our kind, generous, and supportive family and friends. Peter and a few of my friends even conspired to fly my mom out for the baby showers as a surprise - it was wonderful being able to see her and have her present for those events. I feel very, very blessed. If I can get it to work, I'll post a picture of me and my mom below (so you can see my big pregnant belly). It's crazy to me that we only have about six weeks left before this baby is actually here...

Diapers and Propane

So I recently started a list on our refrigerator door of the things we might need to buy or stock the nursery with before the baby comes. Yesterday I stopped to do a quick skim of the list and was surprised to see the word propane scribbled in at the bottom. I was a little taken aback, as I think you will understand, but figured Peter had just assumed it was our regular shopping list and jotted down that we needed more propane for our grill without looking too closely. Further inquiry proved that this was in fact the case, but every time I look at that list now (with the word propane scratched off), I have to chuckle.

One of the things I'm most looking forward to about parenthood is getting to see Peter be a father. I think he is going to be a really great dad - it's one of the reasons I married him. And I'm really excited to celebrate Father's Day this Sunday with him too. (So I guess we'd better go buy some propane so we can grill up some steaks just like he likes.)