These aren't pretty. Read at your own risk.
Since going back to work I usually get about 5 hours of sleep a night in 2 and 3 hour stretches. When people who know I have a baby ask how much sleep I'm getting and I tell them, they almost always comment on how good that is. True confession: I want to smack these people. I realize that it could be much worse. I personally know a lot of moms who have it much worse. In fact, I know a lot of people period who for various reasons only get that much sleep (or less) on a regular basis. But I feel terrible - physically, mentally, emotionally. Constantly. Is that really so great? Yes, it could be worse, and I'm very glad it's not. Yes, sleep deprivation is a well-known aspect of motherhood which I freely chose. And yes, it is absolutely, completely, 100% worth it, to get to be a mom. But to me, five hours of sleep is a burden that I continuously struggle to bear the best I can. And being congratulated on it is salt in the wound.
When I was a teenager I had to give my dog away because I couldn't take care of her well. (We rented our house and weren't allowed to have pets inside - and she was a breed of dog which needed a lot of attention and exercise which I was too busy to give her.) I still feel a ton of regret about that situation, and when I married Peter I told him we would NEVER get pets unless we were willing and able to take care of them no matter what for their entire lives. True confession: despite all that, I would probably give my two cats away today if I knew I could find them a good home. I love my cats. They have great personalities, and have brought us a lot of joy. And we've stuck firmly to our commitment to care for them: even when we moved to California and almost couldn't find an apartment that we could afford that would allow pets, and even when their food issues have meant regular loss of sleep. (They are big time over-eaters and will come wake me up very early every morning, basically begging for food.) But this morning, after they woke me up at 4:11 am and kept me awake until Eden woke up at 6:00 am, I reached a breaking point. Despite all my values and guilt and good intentions, I CANNOT take it anymore. I just don't have the reserves to care for them on top of everything else. And it's not their fault. And it's not fair. But they are currently at the bottom of my list of responsibilities and priorities, and I feel like something's got to give.
I just spent thousands of dollars getting a master's degree in a profession that's all about helping people. True confession: More often than not (and especially in the last year or two), I'm not sure I actually like helping people. I'm not sure I'm good at it either. I see others in my profession who are passionate about public service. They always seem to be patient and non-judgmental. They are great advocates for their patrons. But many of the people who come in to the library every day are mean, rude, impatient, lazy, and self-centered, and more and more it irks me to help them. I honestly don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to regain the positive and helpful attitude I had when I started my career.
While I'm sitting here typing this, the trashcan, sink, and Diaper Champ are overflowing. My microwave and kitchen counters are downright crusty. The bed is unmade. I get frustrated at my family for contributing to the above circumstances. I am jealous of moms who seem to be able to stay on top of all these things (and cook real dinners, and exercise, and spend time with friends). But I also assume that they must have some advantage that I don't (and I'm even more jealous of that advantage). I think I assume this just because it makes me feel less like a failure. Feel free to pick out the true confession of your choice there. :)
I'm sorry this post is such a downer. But let's be honest, if you know me at all you know I'm not exactly a happy-go-lucky personality - I'm much, much more of an Eeyore than a Tigger or Pooh. (Surprisingly, people - like many of you! - still choose to be my friend. Thanks for that! It means a lot to me.) If I was to list a last true confession I might make it that I can't decide if a tendency toward pessimism and Eeyore-ness is actually a bad thing. It's not a useful thing, for sure. I'm generally better off when I work at being positive and optimistic. But I can't decide if it's an actual flaw to be ruthlessly rooted out or just an amoral personality trait to accept without personal condemnation or judgment. The sticking point to me is this - the vast majority of people I know who are happy-go-lucky and generally optimistic, don't actually seem to work at it - it just comes naturally, like a tendency toward gregariousness or even athleticism. Where's the merit in that? I'm glad that they have traits that probably make life easier, but I'm not sure those traits could actually be considered virtues. Thus, I'm not sure it's accurate to label the opposite traits as flaws. But then again, I can also think of arguments for the reverse. So, I can never fully decide. If you have an opinion on this, feel free to leave a comment, because it's a topic I find rather curious.
And that's enough confessing for today. :)
Friday, March 6, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
Seven Months Today!
Our little girl turned seven months old today - I can't believe it! Her birth seems like such a long time ago, but at the same time, I can't believe how big she is and how much she's changed since being born. Today is a very summer-like day here and that plus all the changes is contributing to the feeling that her first birthday in August is growing closer at a surprisingly (almost alarmingly) fast rate.
Miss Eden now has two new bottom teeth for gnawing on toys and the occasional finger. She has mastered the art of speed-rolling and can cross the room in just a few seconds. She also now gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth - a few times she has scooted forward a couple of inches before flopping on her stomach and attempting to roll toward what she wants. She continues to be very alert and inquisitive, and sometimes it almost seems like you can see the gears turning in her head as she investigates something new. It's amazing how quickly she learns.
One of our new favorite games is of the peek-a-boo sort where one person will hold her and the other will disappear around the corner and then slowly or quickly peek back around. Eden loves to play this game and will now lean forward as far as she can and turn her head to try to see around the corner to where the person is hiding. She recognizes her picture (or at least a baby's picture) on my computer's monitor and usually, smiles, squeals, or reaches for the picture when it comes up. She's eating a variety of foods now: rice cereal, peas, green beans, squash, sweet potatoes, carrots - we tried pears (our first fruit) the other day thinking she would enjoy the new sweet flavor, but based on some facial expressions we think she might have found them a bit tart. She's still a bit of a long skinny baby but passed her last doctor's exam with flying colors.
Our big news of the day is that Eden went "swimming" for the first time this morning. Our local aquatic center has a parent/infants class, and we thought we'd check it out and see if it was fun. We were a little worried because she ended up missing her morning nap so we thought she might be too tired to enjoy the experience, but although she was a little subdued she seemed to have a great time. I'm excited to see how she reacts next week when she has a little more of her usual energy. The class is just to introduce children to the water and to have fun, with some very, very basic "practice" thrown in (such as kicking or being on your back versus your stomach). It mostly consisted of playing games, singing, and just splashing around. The pool is outside which I was a little worried about, but since it is almost 80 degrees today it couldn't have been more perfect. Like I said, I'm looking forward to next week. Here are a few pictures from our day:
Miss Eden now has two new bottom teeth for gnawing on toys and the occasional finger. She has mastered the art of speed-rolling and can cross the room in just a few seconds. She also now gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth - a few times she has scooted forward a couple of inches before flopping on her stomach and attempting to roll toward what she wants. She continues to be very alert and inquisitive, and sometimes it almost seems like you can see the gears turning in her head as she investigates something new. It's amazing how quickly she learns.
One of our new favorite games is of the peek-a-boo sort where one person will hold her and the other will disappear around the corner and then slowly or quickly peek back around. Eden loves to play this game and will now lean forward as far as she can and turn her head to try to see around the corner to where the person is hiding. She recognizes her picture (or at least a baby's picture) on my computer's monitor and usually, smiles, squeals, or reaches for the picture when it comes up. She's eating a variety of foods now: rice cereal, peas, green beans, squash, sweet potatoes, carrots - we tried pears (our first fruit) the other day thinking she would enjoy the new sweet flavor, but based on some facial expressions we think she might have found them a bit tart. She's still a bit of a long skinny baby but passed her last doctor's exam with flying colors.
Our big news of the day is that Eden went "swimming" for the first time this morning. Our local aquatic center has a parent/infants class, and we thought we'd check it out and see if it was fun. We were a little worried because she ended up missing her morning nap so we thought she might be too tired to enjoy the experience, but although she was a little subdued she seemed to have a great time. I'm excited to see how she reacts next week when she has a little more of her usual energy. The class is just to introduce children to the water and to have fun, with some very, very basic "practice" thrown in (such as kicking or being on your back versus your stomach). It mostly consisted of playing games, singing, and just splashing around. The pool is outside which I was a little worried about, but since it is almost 80 degrees today it couldn't have been more perfect. Like I said, I'm looking forward to next week. Here are a few pictures from our day:
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Christmas 2008 and Beyond!
It has been extremely busy around the Hough House lately and there is a LOT to blog about. I actually started this post almost a month ago with the intention of writing a detailed description of our Christmas trip and all that has happened since then in a series of several new posts with pictures, etc. However, because of all that's going on, we're so busy that I'm realizing I will be lucky to blog briefly, if at all - and if I don't hurry up and at least summarize the last 6 weeks or so, it may never happen. So here's your whirlwind tour:
First of all, we took our first major trip together as a new family when we flew back to Missouri for Christmas/New Year's. Peter's last day of school was the 19th, we flew out on the 20th, spent several days with my family in St. Louis, drove across the state to Kansas City on Christmas Day, spent several days with Peter's family, then drove back to St. Louis on the 29th and stayed there until flying home New Year's morning (at 8:30 am!!!). It was wonderful seeing everyone again (especially my grandparents and a few of my nieces that I'd never met) and getting to introduce Eden to many of her relatives, but it was also quite exhausting, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it again any time soon.
Eden handled the travel and the trip as a whole in a very Eden way: like a champ, but like a champ who would always much rather be in the middle of all the activity than asleep. This was a bit wearying on her mama and papa but we are grateful for our active, inquisitive, and social little girl. Unfortunately, one repercussion of lots of travel and no sleep was that we all got sick - pretty bad colds actually - that started the day we got home. Between the colds, trying to readjust to our home schedule, and new activities (like Peter being away on a 3 day retreat), we had a rough few weeks of it. At one point, Eden went on a sleep strike and would hardly nap at all as well as wake up repeatedly at night. There was actually a 3 night stretch where I got just one hour of sleep each night. To be honest, I didn't even think that was possible! It was truly a terrible experience, and I'm glad it seems to be behind us, especially because just a few days after the sleep strike (and the morning after Peter returned from his retreat), I went back to work!
That's right - I am now officially a working mom. I started up full-time as a Librarian 1 back at my old library on January 20th. There's a lot I could write about my first few days back, all my new responsibilities, and how the whole experience of being away from Eden is going (and I probably will at some future point), but right now it is all still a bit too surreal. I feel like I've felt every emotion under the sun in the last few weeks (I'm in the middle of my third week back now), and I honestly still don't know what I think overall. I enjoy many parts of my job, but I hate others. Leaving Eden is the worst feeling in the world - I miss her so much! - but I get her ready in the morning, see her every day at lunch, and play with her most of the evening until bedtime, and I believe we're both getting some valuable experiences from this time. I've never, NEVER, been so busy in my life. Each day I can only think about that day - I have neither the mental space nor the energy to go one step beyond that. But we seem to be making it - and I think we may even be well on our way to a comfortable (although that word means something totally different now than it used to) routine. I know a lot of people feel very strongly about whether or not moms with small children should work or stay at home, and believe me, we have carefully considered the pros and cons. Right now, we think this is the right choice for us. It might not be the right choice next month or next year, but we are trying to be wise and responsible with what has been given us, and at the moment (independent of my crazy emotions which are never the same from one moment to the next) I'm in a state of guarded peace. Not sure if that even makes sense, but it's the best way I know how to describe it.
I only have a few minutes left, but I wanted to add some quick notes about some big milestones for our little girl. First of all, she has started eating solid foods! We're just at rice cereal and peas for now - we'll be slowly adding in some more options each week. We had to start a few weeks earlier than I wanted to give more feeding options while I was away at work, but she seems to be doing just fine with it all. She actually seems to really enjoy this new way of eating - she was opening her mouth and reaching for the spoon at her very first meal and now has even started trying to drink from a cup. Eden will now also get up on her hands and knees and rock back and forth when you put her on a blanket. She's done little more than inch forward once or twice while rocking, but I'm pretty sure we're going to be chasing her around the house in no time. Yesterday and today she also sat up unassisted. I can't believe how quickly she is growing and learning! She continues to be a happy, engaging, and quite comical little girl with a spunky personality - we really can't get enough of her. She keeps us endlessly entertained.
I'm sure I'm forgetting something major (probably several things), but I have to end this and quickly get ready for work. The posts will probably be pretty infrequent from now on, but hopefully I will still be able to provide at least quick summaries of life in the Hough House on a somewhat regular basis. Maybe I'll just become a much faster thinker/typist...
We took over 700 pictures during our Christmas trip. I don't have time to post a bunch now, but here's one of the Hough family enjoying their first Christmas:
First of all, we took our first major trip together as a new family when we flew back to Missouri for Christmas/New Year's. Peter's last day of school was the 19th, we flew out on the 20th, spent several days with my family in St. Louis, drove across the state to Kansas City on Christmas Day, spent several days with Peter's family, then drove back to St. Louis on the 29th and stayed there until flying home New Year's morning (at 8:30 am!!!). It was wonderful seeing everyone again (especially my grandparents and a few of my nieces that I'd never met) and getting to introduce Eden to many of her relatives, but it was also quite exhausting, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it again any time soon.
Eden handled the travel and the trip as a whole in a very Eden way: like a champ, but like a champ who would always much rather be in the middle of all the activity than asleep. This was a bit wearying on her mama and papa but we are grateful for our active, inquisitive, and social little girl. Unfortunately, one repercussion of lots of travel and no sleep was that we all got sick - pretty bad colds actually - that started the day we got home. Between the colds, trying to readjust to our home schedule, and new activities (like Peter being away on a 3 day retreat), we had a rough few weeks of it. At one point, Eden went on a sleep strike and would hardly nap at all as well as wake up repeatedly at night. There was actually a 3 night stretch where I got just one hour of sleep each night. To be honest, I didn't even think that was possible! It was truly a terrible experience, and I'm glad it seems to be behind us, especially because just a few days after the sleep strike (and the morning after Peter returned from his retreat), I went back to work!
That's right - I am now officially a working mom. I started up full-time as a Librarian 1 back at my old library on January 20th. There's a lot I could write about my first few days back, all my new responsibilities, and how the whole experience of being away from Eden is going (and I probably will at some future point), but right now it is all still a bit too surreal. I feel like I've felt every emotion under the sun in the last few weeks (I'm in the middle of my third week back now), and I honestly still don't know what I think overall. I enjoy many parts of my job, but I hate others. Leaving Eden is the worst feeling in the world - I miss her so much! - but I get her ready in the morning, see her every day at lunch, and play with her most of the evening until bedtime, and I believe we're both getting some valuable experiences from this time. I've never, NEVER, been so busy in my life. Each day I can only think about that day - I have neither the mental space nor the energy to go one step beyond that. But we seem to be making it - and I think we may even be well on our way to a comfortable (although that word means something totally different now than it used to) routine. I know a lot of people feel very strongly about whether or not moms with small children should work or stay at home, and believe me, we have carefully considered the pros and cons. Right now, we think this is the right choice for us. It might not be the right choice next month or next year, but we are trying to be wise and responsible with what has been given us, and at the moment (independent of my crazy emotions which are never the same from one moment to the next) I'm in a state of guarded peace. Not sure if that even makes sense, but it's the best way I know how to describe it.
I only have a few minutes left, but I wanted to add some quick notes about some big milestones for our little girl. First of all, she has started eating solid foods! We're just at rice cereal and peas for now - we'll be slowly adding in some more options each week. We had to start a few weeks earlier than I wanted to give more feeding options while I was away at work, but she seems to be doing just fine with it all. She actually seems to really enjoy this new way of eating - she was opening her mouth and reaching for the spoon at her very first meal and now has even started trying to drink from a cup. Eden will now also get up on her hands and knees and rock back and forth when you put her on a blanket. She's done little more than inch forward once or twice while rocking, but I'm pretty sure we're going to be chasing her around the house in no time. Yesterday and today she also sat up unassisted. I can't believe how quickly she is growing and learning! She continues to be a happy, engaging, and quite comical little girl with a spunky personality - we really can't get enough of her. She keeps us endlessly entertained.
I'm sure I'm forgetting something major (probably several things), but I have to end this and quickly get ready for work. The posts will probably be pretty infrequent from now on, but hopefully I will still be able to provide at least quick summaries of life in the Hough House on a somewhat regular basis. Maybe I'll just become a much faster thinker/typist...
We took over 700 pictures during our Christmas trip. I don't have time to post a bunch now, but here's one of the Hough family enjoying their first Christmas:
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