Brief Update

Now that our lives are so full of activity, there's never much time for even a brief update, but I didn't want to go too much longer without checking in.

Eden continues to amaze us! She is crawling like crazy, she pulls herself up to a stand on anything - and she can stand well even while just holding on with one hand or even just slightly leaning against the couch (or whatever). She cruises (inching her way along the coffee table, couch, or exersaucer). She clearly knows that the remote does funny things to the TV (turning to look at the TV when she plays with it in expectation). She seems to love other children and babies - at church she kept crawling after a 15-month-old and trying to pull herself up by grabbing his clothes (he was a little alarmed). She also likes to try to mimic them - if they are banging on a toy, she needs to go over and pat the same toy too. Her sense of humor is developing - she now often laughs if we sneeze or yawn or make funny faces. If you stick your tongue out at her, she will try to reach up and grab it, and sometimes she'll try to stick her tongue out too. She is so much fun!! Exhausting to keep up with, but very, very fun!

I continue to feel torn in two - I don't dislike my job or working, but I hate not getting to spend more time with the cuddle-bug. She continues to have separation anxiety, and actually is starting to get a little suspicious of all strangers now. Leaving her to go to work is the most difficult part of my day, especially if she seems sad or upset. This last week especially she has been having trouble sleeping again - not wanting to nap at all and waking up multiple times at night (and then not wanting to go back to sleep). This has happened before and seemed to eventually resolve on its own, so I'm hoping that will be true this time as well - and I'm hoping it will happen soon!

Next week is Holy Week - one of my favorite times of the year. And the week after Easter we are taking a trip to Yosemite!! I'm so looking forward to spending time away, just the three of us. I'm hoping that it will truly be a relaxing and peaceful experience. I love my little family!! Here's a funny picture of our little cutie - if I can figure out how to post the video Peter made of her crawling, I will put it up soon!

True Confessions

These aren't pretty. Read at your own risk.

Since going back to work I usually get about 5 hours of sleep a night in 2 and 3 hour stretches. When people who know I have a baby ask how much sleep I'm getting and I tell them, they almost always comment on how good that is. True confession: I want to smack these people. I realize that it could be much worse. I personally know a lot of moms who have it much worse. In fact, I know a lot of people period who for various reasons only get that much sleep (or less) on a regular basis. But I feel terrible - physically, mentally, emotionally. Constantly. Is that really so great? Yes, it could be worse, and I'm very glad it's not. Yes, sleep deprivation is a well-known aspect of motherhood which I freely chose. And yes, it is absolutely, completely, 100% worth it, to get to be a mom. But to me, five hours of sleep is a burden that I continuously struggle to bear the best I can. And being congratulated on it is salt in the wound.

When I was a teenager I had to give my dog away because I couldn't take care of her well. (We rented our house and weren't allowed to have pets inside - and she was a breed of dog which needed a lot of attention and exercise which I was too busy to give her.) I still feel a ton of regret about that situation, and when I married Peter I told him we would NEVER get pets unless we were willing and able to take care of them no matter what for their entire lives. True confession: despite all that, I would probably give my two cats away today if I knew I could find them a good home. I love my cats. They have great personalities, and have brought us a lot of joy. And we've stuck firmly to our commitment to care for them: even when we moved to California and almost couldn't find an apartment that we could afford that would allow pets, and even when their food issues have meant regular loss of sleep. (They are big time over-eaters and will come wake me up very early every morning, basically begging for food.) But this morning, after they woke me up at 4:11 am and kept me awake until Eden woke up at 6:00 am, I reached a breaking point. Despite all my values and guilt and good intentions, I CANNOT take it anymore. I just don't have the reserves to care for them on top of everything else. And it's not their fault. And it's not fair. But they are currently at the bottom of my list of responsibilities and priorities, and I feel like something's got to give.

I just spent thousands of dollars getting a master's degree in a profession that's all about helping people. True confession: More often than not (and especially in the last year or two), I'm not sure I actually like helping people. I'm not sure I'm good at it either. I see others in my profession who are passionate about public service. They always seem to be patient and non-judgmental. They are great advocates for their patrons. But many of the people who come in to the library every day are mean, rude, impatient, lazy, and self-centered, and more and more it irks me to help them. I honestly don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to regain the positive and helpful attitude I had when I started my career.

While I'm sitting here typing this, the trashcan, sink, and Diaper Champ are overflowing. My microwave and kitchen counters are downright crusty. The bed is unmade. I get frustrated at my family for contributing to the above circumstances. I am jealous of moms who seem to be able to stay on top of all these things (and cook real dinners, and exercise, and spend time with friends). But I also assume that they must have some advantage that I don't (and I'm even more jealous of that advantage). I think I assume this just because it makes me feel less like a failure. Feel free to pick out the true confession of your choice there. :)

I'm sorry this post is such a downer. But let's be honest, if you know me at all you know I'm not exactly a happy-go-lucky personality - I'm much, much more of an Eeyore than a Tigger or Pooh. (Surprisingly, people - like many of you! - still choose to be my friend. Thanks for that! It means a lot to me.) If I was to list a last true confession I might make it that I can't decide if a tendency toward pessimism and Eeyore-ness is actually a bad thing. It's not a useful thing, for sure. I'm generally better off when I work at being positive and optimistic. But I can't decide if it's an actual flaw to be ruthlessly rooted out or just an amoral personality trait to accept without personal condemnation or judgment. The sticking point to me is this - the vast majority of people I know who are happy-go-lucky and generally optimistic, don't actually seem to work at it - it just comes naturally, like a tendency toward gregariousness or even athleticism. Where's the merit in that? I'm glad that they have traits that probably make life easier, but I'm not sure those traits could actually be considered virtues. Thus, I'm not sure it's accurate to label the opposite traits as flaws. But then again, I can also think of arguments for the reverse. So, I can never fully decide. If you have an opinion on this, feel free to leave a comment, because it's a topic I find rather curious.

And that's enough confessing for today. :)

Seven Months Today!

Our little girl turned seven months old today - I can't believe it! Her birth seems like such a long time ago, but at the same time, I can't believe how big she is and how much she's changed since being born. Today is a very summer-like day here and that plus all the changes is contributing to the feeling that her first birthday in August is growing closer at a surprisingly (almost alarmingly) fast rate.

Miss Eden now has two new bottom teeth for gnawing on toys and the occasional finger. She has mastered the art of speed-rolling and can cross the room in just a few seconds. She also now gets up on her hands and knees and rocks back and forth - a few times she has scooted forward a couple of inches before flopping on her stomach and attempting to roll toward what she wants. She continues to be very alert and inquisitive, and sometimes it almost seems like you can see the gears turning in her head as she investigates something new. It's amazing how quickly she learns.

One of our new favorite games is of the peek-a-boo sort where one person will hold her and the other will disappear around the corner and then slowly or quickly peek back around. Eden loves to play this game and will now lean forward as far as she can and turn her head to try to see around the corner to where the person is hiding. She recognizes her picture (or at least a baby's picture) on my computer's monitor and usually, smiles, squeals, or reaches for the picture when it comes up. She's eating a variety of foods now: rice cereal, peas, green beans, squash, sweet potatoes, carrots - we tried pears (our first fruit) the other day thinking she would enjoy the new sweet flavor, but based on some facial expressions we think she might have found them a bit tart. She's still a bit of a long skinny baby but passed her last doctor's exam with flying colors.

Our big news of the day is that Eden went "swimming" for the first time this morning. Our local aquatic center has a parent/infants class, and we thought we'd check it out and see if it was fun. We were a little worried because she ended up missing her morning nap so we thought she might be too tired to enjoy the experience, but although she was a little subdued she seemed to have a great time. I'm excited to see how she reacts next week when she has a little more of her usual energy. The class is just to introduce children to the water and to have fun, with some very, very basic "practice" thrown in (such as kicking or being on your back versus your stomach). It mostly consisted of playing games, singing, and just splashing around. The pool is outside which I was a little worried about, but since it is almost 80 degrees today it couldn't have been more perfect. Like I said, I'm looking forward to next week. Here are a few pictures from our day: