So I've almost caught up to the present with my posting on this blog. Here are a few last bits and pieces about events from the past month or so:
I had jury duty on August 14th and 17th. It really, really stunk. I don't think many people enjoy jury duty, but I was especially downhearted about it as I had to go to a courthouse in downtown Los Angeles on the Friday that was supposed to be my last day of work and then the following Monday that was supposed to be my first day as a stay-at-home mom. I had actually been called over a year ago but had postponed it twice as I was nursing (an acceptable excuse for the Los Angeles County Superior Court). Unfortunately, I was later informed that I could only postpone twice - and would have to report in August 2009 (regardless of the fact that I was/am still nursing - sorry if TMI).
In LA you are supposed to call in every night for a week to see if you have to report the next day. I got called in on the very last day - which, as I mentioned, was a Friday, and supposed to be my last day as a full-time librarian. I was bummed because it prevented me from cleaning out my desk and finishing off several projects - plus I had been planning to bring in cupcakes and enjoy a small sense of closure as I said goodbye to the working-full-time part of my life (for at least awhile). As it was, I went and spent the morning in the jury waiting room - then was called for a panel sometime in the middle of the afternoon. (I was the very last of about 60 people called - so close!) The interview process ended up taking two full days - so I had to come back in on Monday to see if I would actually be placed on a trial. In addition to just not wanting to be there for obvious reasons, it was painfully boring to listen to 60 people answer the same questions over and over and over again. Finally, at the very end of the second day, they called me up to be interviewed. (I was also the very last person again.) They were hoping to make me an alternate, but when they found out I was a stay-at-home mom to a one-year-old, they dismissed me, saying that caring for a child under the age of 5 was a valid excuse. (Why oh why they couldn't have said that before I spent 2 days on jury duty, I'm not sure.)
In the end, I was very glad to not be selected as it was for a murder trial that would probably have lasted for a week or more. I am a terrible decision-maker - I can't even imagine trying to decide the guilt or innocence of someone accused of murder. It makes me shudder to even think about it. Plus, since becoming a stay-at-home mom, our budget has obviously shrunk considerably, and it would have been difficult to afford child care and transportation for all those days. As it was, my two days of jury service cost our family an unbudgeted $80. Los Angeles County sent me a check for $18. Better than nothing, I suppose.
I understand the "civic duty" idea and believe juries perform an essential function. However, my experience definitely led me to believe the whole jury system needs some serious reform. I very much felt like a prisoner while I was there - largely because of the way the court staff behaved, including the very condescending judge. Believe me, I understand the difficulties of working with the general public, but still, considering the cost jurors are paying (I'm sure our $80 was nothing compared to what others had to bear), and the value/nature of the juror role, a little more respect and professionalism would have been nice. Anyway, I'm glad to be done with it for what I hope is a very long time. Ironically, Pete had jury duty yesterday and will find out next week if he has to go back in for what may end up being a 20+ day trial. I don't think he would mind so much since he's always had an interest in government-related things. We found out he should get paid for his time, providing he works from home in the evenings. That kind of stinks but is much better than trying to make up for the loss of his salary. Anyway, there's still a chance he won't get selected.
Wow - I just meant to mention the jury duty thing but apparently the memory still rankles a bit... Anyway, here are the other bits and pieces that I wanted to note:
Eden went in for her one-year-old appointment on August 26th (so a bit closer to the 13th month mark). She weighed 17 pounds, 11 ounces and was 29 and 3/4 inches tall. That puts her at about the 3rd percentile for weight and 60th percentile for height. The pediatrician said he still isn't worried about her weight, and I'm not either - too much, anyway. I try to get her to eat as much as she'll take, but I figure if she's turning food down, she can't be too hungry - and I don't want to teach her to ignore her sense of being full. Peter thinks her non-stop activity might also contribute to her smaller weight and our pediatrician seemed to agree. That seems like a good thing overall, and since she doesn't look too skinny to me (although definitely petite), I'm not that worried about it at the moment. I do look forward to her being big enough to go in the front-facing car seat soon though! It will be so nice to turn around and see her face.
To wrap up this post, I thought I'd share a little video I took from our living room window a few weeks ago. More and more I've been missing the country lately, so this was a nice little reminder that we are not completely removed from nature, even here in Los Angeles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jia4IKQ1SuM. If you listen, you'll hear Eden playing in the background. (She actually took advantage of my distraction to dump the cats' water bowl on herself.) I'm very glad that humans generally have one baby at a time.
Thursday, September 10, 2009
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
The Big 3-0
I turned 30 a few weeks ago. Mostly, I feel good about it. To begin with, it's good to be alive. I mean really - that is a pretty big pro, right? And I'm glad to be older. My twenties were all over the place - they were great, they were terrible. I definitely was still in the throes of forming my identity. And while I think there is a pretty good chance that on my 40th birthday I will say the same thing about my thirties, I'd like to think I've grown and matured a little over the past decade. I'm older yes, but also at least a little wiser I think.
At the same time, in the last year or so I've begun feeling just a smidgen, well, older. I have a harder time falling asleep, I feel out of energy more, I get more backaches and sore muscles, etc. I don't mean to exaggerate it - it's not really that bad - but it's just enough that I've noticed the difference. Now, there is a possibility that the fact that in the last year or so I've also birthed a child and have never since had a single night of eight unbroken hours of sleep (and very few of eight hours period) might also have something to do with it. Plus, it's not like I'm getting exercise (well, not in a good way). So, maybe if I slept well, ate well, exercised well, I'd feel just as youthful and energetic as always. (I kind of hope so, because then maybe there is a chance I will feel that way again soon. We hope to have Eden sleeping through the night soon, and eating better and exercising more is definitely on my list of stay-at-home-mom goals.)
Overall though, despite the cultural pressure to feel bad about turning 30, I think I'm definitely feeling/seeing more of the pros than the cons. I'm glad to be in this life, glad to be with my family, glad to know what little I know and to have the opportunity to learn more. Glad to be at least a little less anxious about myself and my future - more comfortable in my own skin, if you will. A few more aches and pains in exchange for the above is a good trade in my opinion.
Since I think all milestones should be celebrated, I was determined to not let my 30th birthday slip by without doing something out of the ordinary. Peter made the day itself very special by letting me sleep in, then having Eden bring me several wonderful presents, before taking me to my birthday party at a friend's house. After the party we came home and had a nice relaxing evening watching Whale Rider (one of my favorite movies). BUT - that's not the end. While the day itself was wonderful, we are also making plans for one more celebratory event. I tried to think of something I've always wanted to do, but wouldn't do except for a special reason, and what I've come up with is... a hot air balloon ride! I think that could be a really fun experience, but it's definitely not something we would just go do for kicks on a Friday night. In other words, its something I think I will always be glad to have done, but won't ever actually do, unless I connect it to something specific - like celebrating my 30th birthday! So that's our plan at the moment - we're still looking into options as far as companies/locations/etc., and there's a chance we might switch to a different activity/event if something else catches my eye before plans are finalized, but regardless, I'm excited!
And, if I do get to take a hot air balloon ride, I will be able to capture the views and scenery with my new fancy-schmancy camera! I got many wonderful presents from friends and family but one of my favorites was a new camera I purchased with birthday money (plus a bit of money saved up from past birthdays/Christmas/etc.) It's a Canon Powershot SX110, and it's wonderful. It's basically a very nice digital point and shoot with some extra manual options for when I want to learn more about photography - which I hope to do sometime in the next year. I know next to nothing now, so I've just been taking pictures in the AUTO setting, and they've been great! And there's definitely a lot more that I will be able to do with it once I'm ready. Plus, I can also shoot a limited amount of video with the camera, which will be nice for posting crazy/funny/cute clips of Eden to the blog. (One such clip is already waiting in the wings for an upcoming post.)
As you can see, my 30th birthday was extra-special, just as I'd hoped, with time with family and friends, fun new toys, and plans for out-of-the-ordinary activities in the near future. And the fact that my last day at my full-time job was the Friday before was just the icing on the cake (and also, not a coincidence - happy birthday to me!). As a friend recently stated, my life is way better than average. I am so grateful.
First pics with the new camera:
At the same time, in the last year or so I've begun feeling just a smidgen, well, older. I have a harder time falling asleep, I feel out of energy more, I get more backaches and sore muscles, etc. I don't mean to exaggerate it - it's not really that bad - but it's just enough that I've noticed the difference. Now, there is a possibility that the fact that in the last year or so I've also birthed a child and have never since had a single night of eight unbroken hours of sleep (and very few of eight hours period) might also have something to do with it. Plus, it's not like I'm getting exercise (well, not in a good way). So, maybe if I slept well, ate well, exercised well, I'd feel just as youthful and energetic as always. (I kind of hope so, because then maybe there is a chance I will feel that way again soon. We hope to have Eden sleeping through the night soon, and eating better and exercising more is definitely on my list of stay-at-home-mom goals.)
Overall though, despite the cultural pressure to feel bad about turning 30, I think I'm definitely feeling/seeing more of the pros than the cons. I'm glad to be in this life, glad to be with my family, glad to know what little I know and to have the opportunity to learn more. Glad to be at least a little less anxious about myself and my future - more comfortable in my own skin, if you will. A few more aches and pains in exchange for the above is a good trade in my opinion.
Since I think all milestones should be celebrated, I was determined to not let my 30th birthday slip by without doing something out of the ordinary. Peter made the day itself very special by letting me sleep in, then having Eden bring me several wonderful presents, before taking me to my birthday party at a friend's house. After the party we came home and had a nice relaxing evening watching Whale Rider (one of my favorite movies). BUT - that's not the end. While the day itself was wonderful, we are also making plans for one more celebratory event. I tried to think of something I've always wanted to do, but wouldn't do except for a special reason, and what I've come up with is... a hot air balloon ride! I think that could be a really fun experience, but it's definitely not something we would just go do for kicks on a Friday night. In other words, its something I think I will always be glad to have done, but won't ever actually do, unless I connect it to something specific - like celebrating my 30th birthday! So that's our plan at the moment - we're still looking into options as far as companies/locations/etc., and there's a chance we might switch to a different activity/event if something else catches my eye before plans are finalized, but regardless, I'm excited!
And, if I do get to take a hot air balloon ride, I will be able to capture the views and scenery with my new fancy-schmancy camera! I got many wonderful presents from friends and family but one of my favorites was a new camera I purchased with birthday money (plus a bit of money saved up from past birthdays/Christmas/etc.) It's a Canon Powershot SX110, and it's wonderful. It's basically a very nice digital point and shoot with some extra manual options for when I want to learn more about photography - which I hope to do sometime in the next year. I know next to nothing now, so I've just been taking pictures in the AUTO setting, and they've been great! And there's definitely a lot more that I will be able to do with it once I'm ready. Plus, I can also shoot a limited amount of video with the camera, which will be nice for posting crazy/funny/cute clips of Eden to the blog. (One such clip is already waiting in the wings for an upcoming post.)
As you can see, my 30th birthday was extra-special, just as I'd hoped, with time with family and friends, fun new toys, and plans for out-of-the-ordinary activities in the near future. And the fact that my last day at my full-time job was the Friday before was just the icing on the cake (and also, not a coincidence - happy birthday to me!). As a friend recently stated, my life is way better than average. I am so grateful.
First pics with the new camera:
Friday, September 4, 2009
A Very Long Ramble About Timelines, Life, and... Bears?
Disclaimer: I am really long-winded. Really.
Back when we were going through premarital counseling (almost 10 years ago now) Peter and I completed an activity where we individually created a "timeline" for our married life. Without collaborating in any way we were supposed to write down our goals/expectations for where we would be (as both individuals and a family) in 5, 10, 15, 25 years, etc. Then, during one of our counseling sessions, we sat down together and compared notes. The idea behind the exercise was that couples often have different ideas/expectations when it comes to the big picture of their future - but often don't reflect on these expectations in any sort of concrete way, as individuals or as partners, leading to conflict down the road in their married lives.
When Peter and I compared notes we discovered that our "life plan" matched almost completely. This was encouraging, and being a planner, I subconsciously hoped that this meant we would not only avoid conflict but also be able to simply tick off our life goals in a simple, straightforward, and well-organized manner. (Because really, I am more than a tad bit neurotic when you come right down to it.) Grad school? Check. Perfect jobs? Check. House? Check. Baby? Check. All in perfectly timed succession. After all, we'd made our plans. We'd even agreed on the plans we developed independently. Clearly, it was meant to be.
Well, needless to say, life has not turned out exactly according to our plans. It started off all right - we moved to California in the first chapter of our big adventure so that Peter could attend seminary. But we didn't move back to the Midwest (and our perfect jobs, and house, and family) when he graduated. Instead, a little over seven years after we set up camp on the West Coast, we're still here. And during that time we've been through soul-sucking jobs, major depression, job terminations, friendship terminations (well, almost), a year of trying to get pregnant with no success, a miscarriage at the 15th week, strained finances, doubt/confusion/anger/anxiety/fear/homesickness (that would be me, mostly), and all the other normal ups and downs of life.
But, honestly, I love my life. And I'm not just saying that. I really, really do. Now, to be fair, many of the things in the above list are behind us, or at least strongly diminished. We have jobs we like and find reasonably fulfilling. We have wonderful friends who support and encourage us and make us laugh. We have a great home and live in a great city. And, most notably, we have a truly amazing little girl whom we have been given the privilege to raise and love. So it's not too hard to love life these days. (Although the still-living-in-an-apartment situation is quite a regular struggle for me, truth be told. We have a great apartment, and I know I should be grateful for it, and I am most of the time, but... it's a struggle. I practically drooled over a washer and dryer at Best Buy the other day. And I was also informed by a 5-year-old that my house was way too small, and I needed to get a bigger one like his. I hear ya, kid. Oops - I mean, I have a great apartment.)
But, and here's where we actually start getting to the point of this post believe-it-or-not, part of the reason I love my life is because I've become much more capable of letting go of my expectations and plans when it comes to a timeline. (Okay, the people closest to me - who hear all my grumblings on a regular basis - might disagree with the previous statement. But really. I've gotten a LOT better.) To just cut to the chase and be completely cheesy, I've started expecting the unexpected.
Life does not go the way we plan or expect. Period. Not occasionally, or sometimes. Pretty much always. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that anything major in life going the way it was planned would probably be the exception to the rule. At least, that's the way my life is. Don't get me wrong, Peter and I still make plans and set goals. We just hold them very, very loosely. And I think that's a good thing. It not only allows us to be more flexible and unperturbed by unexpected change, it also gives us greater room and freedom to grow and develop as individuals.
Case in point: my job. (Aha! Now you see where I'm going with this!) When I started grad school for my library degree, Peter and I agreed that if I got into it and hated it, I could quit. If I got halfway through and got pregnant, I could quit. Or take a class a year. Or whatever. There would be no mutterings or worrying over lost tuition or time or whatever. Why? Because life doesn't go the way we plan or expect and sometimes you just have to try something and be willing to let it go if it doesn't work. So when I got a full-time librarian job, all those same qualifications still applied.
And then, we had Eden.
Talk about a life changer. Can anyone really be prepared for what it means to have a child? I don't think so. Seriously, this is definitely one of those events where you just need to fully embrace the "expect the unexpected" mantra. People can (and will!) tell you how hard it is to be a parent and how your life will never be the same, yada, yada, yada, till you can (and will!) hear it in your sleep, but it won't make a difference. Even if you hang on to their every word, soaking it all in and reflecting on it with utmost gravity and the best intentions, it still won't matter. You can't prepare for this, people. You just can't. Well, that's what I think anyway.
So, we had Eden, and once again realized that nothing was set in stone. Not plans, not timelines, not jobs, nothing. Furthermore, I quickly realized that when it comes to motherhood, I not only needed to expect the unexpected with regard to circumstances external to me, but also internally. Having a baby rattled up my identity and emotions in unexpected ways. I'd never been one of those girls who loved kids or babies. I mean, I didn't dislike kids. I just didn't oooh and ahhh over them and want to hold them or play games or stuff like that all the time. I hated baby-sitting. Talk about a miserable way to make some extra cash. So I never thought I'd be the stay-at-home-mom type.
But then I had Eden and the world shifted inside and out, and suddenly I was Mama Bear. And let me tell you that Mama Bear is not interested in careers, or corporate ladders, or time invested in graduate degrees, or pretty much anything outside of taking care of that baby. She's DEFINITELY not interested in paying someone else to do the job that she wants to do (needs to do) so that she can go sit in a staff meeting somewhere, or read through 14 kazillion e-mails everyday, or try to answer reference questions like "what do demons look like in real life?" (actual question from a few days ago). I did not expect Mama Bear. I did not know the potential for such a creature was even inside of me. I kind of thought I'd have a baby and just go on being the same person I always was except, you know,... with a baby. But that is not how things turned out.
Side note: They really need to figure out what hormone or neurotransmitter or crazy lurking DNA brain thingy is responsible for turning previously ordinary, rational women into Mama Bears, and then bottle it up. Because seriously, you could start a revolution with that stuff.
Anyway, at first I thought, well, I'll just work long enough after the baby is born to pay off my student loans. Then, as my return-to-work date actually loomed on the horizon, I changed that to I'll just work one full year. But after I started back at work full-time it became much more a matter of, just try to make it to the 6 week mark, okay now the 3 month mark, can I hold out for 6 months?, there is no way I can make it a year... By the end I was counting the days, hours, minutes. It was painful. And not just painful because I missed Eden and had lost much of my enthusiasm for my job. Painful because I felt like I had to hide it - because I didn't feel like I could just say that out loud and be taken seriously. Painful because I felt like I was being somehow unprofessional and immature by wanting to "stay-at-home." Painful because I didn't like to admit even to myself that I had changed so much so quickly - it made me feel fickle, unreliable, like I wasn't a committed or dependable adult.
The truth is, I have a very, very small pain tolerance - physically and emotionally. I learned the first during labor, but I should have remembered the second from a series of past experiences. If I'm forced to do something that I don't enjoy or find fulfilling, there is a good chance I will be emotionally shredded within a very short span of time. Fortunately, I have a husband who loves me, understands me, and supports me. And fortunately, he was not taken aback by the unexpected shift in my feelings and plans (or if he was, he hid it well). He encouraged me in my job but when it got to the point that I just couldn't do any more, he was more than okay with letting go of the previous goals and charting a new course - even if it meant some things were lost in the process. He is a really great husband and a great friend to me.
Sooooo, the gist of all this is that as of the middle of August (the 17th to be exact) I stopped working full-time at the library and became a stay-at-home mom. I still work about 10 hours a week - mostly in the evenings and on weekend afternoons - and that seems to be enough hours for me to feel like I'm staying in the loop of my profession (for whenever I want or need to go back) as well as enable us to stay afloat financially (as we also tighten the belt quite a bit). The few hours that I'm away, Eden is either asleep or being watched by Peter for the most part. This means that we are saving on childcare as well as being able to give her greater consistency in her schedule and life. All good things.
And being home with her is wonderful. Tiring, of course. Taking care of a child is work as anybody who has done it knows. But it's so meaningful to me and such a joy to see her grow and explore and learn. She's such a smarty-pants. And so inquisitive! And fearless! It does my soul good just to be around her. I'm sure that I will have moments of doubt about this decision - I am me, after all - but spending more time with Eden is just one of those things that can't be too wrong.
What a wonder is the unexpectedness of life!
Back when we were going through premarital counseling (almost 10 years ago now) Peter and I completed an activity where we individually created a "timeline" for our married life. Without collaborating in any way we were supposed to write down our goals/expectations for where we would be (as both individuals and a family) in 5, 10, 15, 25 years, etc. Then, during one of our counseling sessions, we sat down together and compared notes. The idea behind the exercise was that couples often have different ideas/expectations when it comes to the big picture of their future - but often don't reflect on these expectations in any sort of concrete way, as individuals or as partners, leading to conflict down the road in their married lives.
When Peter and I compared notes we discovered that our "life plan" matched almost completely. This was encouraging, and being a planner, I subconsciously hoped that this meant we would not only avoid conflict but also be able to simply tick off our life goals in a simple, straightforward, and well-organized manner. (Because really, I am more than a tad bit neurotic when you come right down to it.) Grad school? Check. Perfect jobs? Check. House? Check. Baby? Check. All in perfectly timed succession. After all, we'd made our plans. We'd even agreed on the plans we developed independently. Clearly, it was meant to be.
Well, needless to say, life has not turned out exactly according to our plans. It started off all right - we moved to California in the first chapter of our big adventure so that Peter could attend seminary. But we didn't move back to the Midwest (and our perfect jobs, and house, and family) when he graduated. Instead, a little over seven years after we set up camp on the West Coast, we're still here. And during that time we've been through soul-sucking jobs, major depression, job terminations, friendship terminations (well, almost), a year of trying to get pregnant with no success, a miscarriage at the 15th week, strained finances, doubt/confusion/anger/anxiety/fear/homesickness (that would be me, mostly), and all the other normal ups and downs of life.
But, honestly, I love my life. And I'm not just saying that. I really, really do. Now, to be fair, many of the things in the above list are behind us, or at least strongly diminished. We have jobs we like and find reasonably fulfilling. We have wonderful friends who support and encourage us and make us laugh. We have a great home and live in a great city. And, most notably, we have a truly amazing little girl whom we have been given the privilege to raise and love. So it's not too hard to love life these days. (Although the still-living-in-an-apartment situation is quite a regular struggle for me, truth be told. We have a great apartment, and I know I should be grateful for it, and I am most of the time, but... it's a struggle. I practically drooled over a washer and dryer at Best Buy the other day. And I was also informed by a 5-year-old that my house was way too small, and I needed to get a bigger one like his. I hear ya, kid. Oops - I mean, I have a great apartment.)
But, and here's where we actually start getting to the point of this post believe-it-or-not, part of the reason I love my life is because I've become much more capable of letting go of my expectations and plans when it comes to a timeline. (Okay, the people closest to me - who hear all my grumblings on a regular basis - might disagree with the previous statement. But really. I've gotten a LOT better.) To just cut to the chase and be completely cheesy, I've started expecting the unexpected.
Life does not go the way we plan or expect. Period. Not occasionally, or sometimes. Pretty much always. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that anything major in life going the way it was planned would probably be the exception to the rule. At least, that's the way my life is. Don't get me wrong, Peter and I still make plans and set goals. We just hold them very, very loosely. And I think that's a good thing. It not only allows us to be more flexible and unperturbed by unexpected change, it also gives us greater room and freedom to grow and develop as individuals.
Case in point: my job. (Aha! Now you see where I'm going with this!) When I started grad school for my library degree, Peter and I agreed that if I got into it and hated it, I could quit. If I got halfway through and got pregnant, I could quit. Or take a class a year. Or whatever. There would be no mutterings or worrying over lost tuition or time or whatever. Why? Because life doesn't go the way we plan or expect and sometimes you just have to try something and be willing to let it go if it doesn't work. So when I got a full-time librarian job, all those same qualifications still applied.
And then, we had Eden.
Talk about a life changer. Can anyone really be prepared for what it means to have a child? I don't think so. Seriously, this is definitely one of those events where you just need to fully embrace the "expect the unexpected" mantra. People can (and will!) tell you how hard it is to be a parent and how your life will never be the same, yada, yada, yada, till you can (and will!) hear it in your sleep, but it won't make a difference. Even if you hang on to their every word, soaking it all in and reflecting on it with utmost gravity and the best intentions, it still won't matter. You can't prepare for this, people. You just can't. Well, that's what I think anyway.
So, we had Eden, and once again realized that nothing was set in stone. Not plans, not timelines, not jobs, nothing. Furthermore, I quickly realized that when it comes to motherhood, I not only needed to expect the unexpected with regard to circumstances external to me, but also internally. Having a baby rattled up my identity and emotions in unexpected ways. I'd never been one of those girls who loved kids or babies. I mean, I didn't dislike kids. I just didn't oooh and ahhh over them and want to hold them or play games or stuff like that all the time. I hated baby-sitting. Talk about a miserable way to make some extra cash. So I never thought I'd be the stay-at-home-mom type.
But then I had Eden and the world shifted inside and out, and suddenly I was Mama Bear. And let me tell you that Mama Bear is not interested in careers, or corporate ladders, or time invested in graduate degrees, or pretty much anything outside of taking care of that baby. She's DEFINITELY not interested in paying someone else to do the job that she wants to do (needs to do) so that she can go sit in a staff meeting somewhere, or read through 14 kazillion e-mails everyday, or try to answer reference questions like "what do demons look like in real life?" (actual question from a few days ago). I did not expect Mama Bear. I did not know the potential for such a creature was even inside of me. I kind of thought I'd have a baby and just go on being the same person I always was except, you know,... with a baby. But that is not how things turned out.
Side note: They really need to figure out what hormone or neurotransmitter or crazy lurking DNA brain thingy is responsible for turning previously ordinary, rational women into Mama Bears, and then bottle it up. Because seriously, you could start a revolution with that stuff.
Anyway, at first I thought, well, I'll just work long enough after the baby is born to pay off my student loans. Then, as my return-to-work date actually loomed on the horizon, I changed that to I'll just work one full year. But after I started back at work full-time it became much more a matter of, just try to make it to the 6 week mark, okay now the 3 month mark, can I hold out for 6 months?, there is no way I can make it a year... By the end I was counting the days, hours, minutes. It was painful. And not just painful because I missed Eden and had lost much of my enthusiasm for my job. Painful because I felt like I had to hide it - because I didn't feel like I could just say that out loud and be taken seriously. Painful because I felt like I was being somehow unprofessional and immature by wanting to "stay-at-home." Painful because I didn't like to admit even to myself that I had changed so much so quickly - it made me feel fickle, unreliable, like I wasn't a committed or dependable adult.
The truth is, I have a very, very small pain tolerance - physically and emotionally. I learned the first during labor, but I should have remembered the second from a series of past experiences. If I'm forced to do something that I don't enjoy or find fulfilling, there is a good chance I will be emotionally shredded within a very short span of time. Fortunately, I have a husband who loves me, understands me, and supports me. And fortunately, he was not taken aback by the unexpected shift in my feelings and plans (or if he was, he hid it well). He encouraged me in my job but when it got to the point that I just couldn't do any more, he was more than okay with letting go of the previous goals and charting a new course - even if it meant some things were lost in the process. He is a really great husband and a great friend to me.
Sooooo, the gist of all this is that as of the middle of August (the 17th to be exact) I stopped working full-time at the library and became a stay-at-home mom. I still work about 10 hours a week - mostly in the evenings and on weekend afternoons - and that seems to be enough hours for me to feel like I'm staying in the loop of my profession (for whenever I want or need to go back) as well as enable us to stay afloat financially (as we also tighten the belt quite a bit). The few hours that I'm away, Eden is either asleep or being watched by Peter for the most part. This means that we are saving on childcare as well as being able to give her greater consistency in her schedule and life. All good things.
And being home with her is wonderful. Tiring, of course. Taking care of a child is work as anybody who has done it knows. But it's so meaningful to me and such a joy to see her grow and explore and learn. She's such a smarty-pants. And so inquisitive! And fearless! It does my soul good just to be around her. I'm sure that I will have moments of doubt about this decision - I am me, after all - but spending more time with Eden is just one of those things that can't be too wrong.
What a wonder is the unexpectedness of life!
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