California (The Return)

We just got back from a week in California. We flew out on Thursday, the day after my newest nephew, Elias (Eli) Jack Wiedlocher was born. Eden did very well on the plane (for which some credit must definitely be given to the creators of Wall-E and Smarties). Since we had seen that the weather was about to get a little chilly and rainy (for almost the exact duration of our stay) we took advantage of the sunshine on Friday morning and headed to the beach. As you already know, Eden has been talking about the beach since before Christmas. I'm happy to report that reality seemed to live up to her expectations - to say that she had a good time would be an incredible understatement. She loved every second of it. We dug holes in the sand and buried ourselves, we built castles, we found sea shells, and Eden and Pete even took on the freezing cold Pacific Ocean and spent time playing in the waves. She cried when we left. She asked to go back almost every day after that. Unfortunately, the weather forecast turned out to be pretty accurate so we weren't able to return. But I'm glad she had so much fun. It was definitely a great morning and probably my favorite memory of the whole trip.

It was also great to see many of our friends. We spent almost every moment of the rest of our week hanging out with friends and eating. Seriously. Luz and Patrick's wedding was awesome - Pete did a great job officiating his first wedding ceremony, and Eden did a great job looking cute and getting covered in dirt. The wedding reception was catered by some delicious taco place, and we got to pig out on carne asada and rice and beans and guacamole and horchata and holy moly do I love Mexican food. Luz was beautiful, the newlyweds were adorable, and we were so glad to get to celebrate with them. We hung out with many more friends over the next several days, and continued to eat our way through Southern California, making stops for In-N-Out, sushi, Starbucks (multiple times), Intelligentsia, Jamba Juice, Baja Fresh, and afternoon tea at The Chado Tea Room. Sadly, I never made it to Rubios for my favorite fish taco, but I guess that just means we'll have to plan a return trip soon.

Thank you so much to all of our friends who hosted us and took us out for dinner and cooked us meals and made time in your schedules to come see us and let us borrow your vehicles, etc. We were so glad to see all of you and spend a little time in the city where Eden was born and where we spent eight years of our lives. At one point, as we were driving home from a restaurant after a great dinner with friends, we pulled up to an intersection just a few blocks from our old apartment - and intersection I've probably sat at a hundred times - and for a fleeting second I had the feeling of, "oh good, we're almost home." But we weren't of course - home is in a new place now: in a house instead of an apartment, in a small town instead of a major city, in a region of green grass and spring thunderstorms instead of desert and mountains and ocean. I love our new home, and I was so very glad to come back to it yesterday, but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Pasadena and Southern California. I wish I could somehow live in both places at once, and I most definitely wish that we could always live surrounded by all of our friends. But I'm so thankful for the memories we made on this trip.

And I'm so, so thankful that I get to be with these two, wherever they are:

Thoughts For Monday

To continue my pattern of stealing things from other people's blogs, today I'm going to post a list of thoughts for the day/week/month/however long it's been since I last posted. They will be in no particular order other than the order in which they come to my mind. Which frankly might prove interesting to those of you with psychology degrees. (All one of you.) Or not. But there's only one way to find out so here goes:

1. My last post is the closest I've ever come to regretting putting something on my blog. It was honest and nobody has been weird or mean about it or anything, but I still wonder if it might have been a tad too... heavy? For the average reader who's just stopping by for some more cute pictures of Eden? If so, I apologize. I definitely had a spidey-sense that what I wrote might have caused a bit more concern among some than I intended. (I intended zero. Zero concern units.) Of course, it was also probably not wise to blog about feeling depressed and then just sort of drop off the Interwebs for awhile, but sometimes I'm just busy doing normal life stuff and don't feel particularly like writing or can't really think of anything interesting to write about (not that that has really ever stopped me before), and then suddenly I realize how much time has passed and it's: oh yeah, my blog - maybe I should post something quick before everyone (including myself) forgets the address.

2. In other news, I am okay. Nobody worry.

3. Depression still stinks though, just in case anyone was wondering. Thought I'd clear that up for you in case you were going to guess the opposite or something.

4. We bought a new car! Well, you know, new to us. I think it will work well for us as long as we never need to drive anyone taller than... me... anywhere. So, that's good, no?

5. It really should be more fun to spend thousands of dollars on something. Like at least one hundred times the thrill you get when you buy something you didn't even know you needed on clearance at Target. Right? Am I crazy here? (Do not answer that question.) Frankly, this whole used-car-buying-experience was pretty much no fun at all. I feel a smidge cheated in that department.

6. Mother's Day was very nice. We had a picnic in the backyard. Eden bought me a balloon. I think I'll keep her. :)

7. Apparently I don't do a lot of thinking because coming up with this list is proving much harder than I expected.

8. Tomorrow night is the Mother-Daughter Banquet at church. Wednesday my newest nephew will be born. Thursday we leave for a week in California. Friday I may need a caramel frappuccino injected straight into my veins. (But, because we will be in Southern California, that will only require walking to the corner - pretty much any corner.) I may or may not need to immediately follow that up with a fish taco. SoCal friends, take note.

9. I bought a swimsuit online in a fit of desperation. It is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I'm already 95% sure that I will be returning it. Why oh why did I ever buy that Raging Rivers season pass for me and Eden? Couldn't I just have bought a kiddie pool for the backyard and called it a day?

10. There's a pan of chocolate brownies on the table with my name on it. I mean, I'm returning the swimsuit anyway, right?

Adios!

The Path Before Me

I should state right now that I found the above images on a blog belonging to a friend of a friend. I haven't yet asked her where she found them or even made sure that it is okay for me to post them on my blog as well. This is a COLOSSAL BLOGGING FAIL. I just want to admit that up front.

I've been thinking a lot about that second image especially lately. It seems like a perfect depiction of my emotional life since February 19th. An excruciating game of king of the hill in which each subsequent emotion is not eradicated, but simply displaced by the tyranny of the next. Disbelief dethroned by yearning, then anger, then depression, then ultimately (I hope) by acceptance. Grief is not linear and every experience is unique, but oh. Twelve months. Please, Lord, don't let it take twelve months.

It has definitely been nice to feel some of the anger dissipating. It is not completely gone by any means, but somehow, somewhere, at sometime, a great deal of it was swept out, and I was able to recognize a moment of peace. But... now the clouds have rolled back together, the sky has closed, and darkness has descended. I've looked at the world around me and I've thought, I know this darkness. I know this darkness. Please, Lord, not again.

I thought - I honestly thought - it would be easier this time. I thought, we've done this before. We're in a better place. It will hurt, but not like before. But I was wrong. It hurts, just like before. And, perhaps not just because of the miscarriage, perhaps because of all the change: the moving and the trying to make new friends and the trying to adapt to new roles in life, in addition to the miscarriage and my hurting family - perhaps because of all of it, the depression seems so much worse this time. It reminds me, not of my experience following the first miscarriage, but of the horrible swamp of sadness** that was my life just a few years previous to that. I feel the weight of it pulling me down, and I know what lies at the bottom of that pit, and I don't want to go back there again.

And, Lord willing, I won't. Because I know what this darkness is, and I've defeated it once before, and I am not alone. Peter and I have had many talks lately about how I'm doing. About how we're doing. He knows too, and he cares, and this time I'm not afraid to be honest from the beginning. I'm not afraid of the options, of the tools available to us, and I'm considering them all. And this time I know what I didn't really know before - what I didn't truly learn until the days immediately following our first miscarriage - how very, very much I am loved.

But I feel broken too. Not brokenness as we pray for in church (although I suppose I feel a measure of that too), but broken as in, Does Not Work. Malfunctioning. Useless. I wake up and I feel no joy and I work with all my might to perform my roles of mother and wife and friend to the best of my ability, and I pray for endurance, and I pray for grace, and I pray for forgiveness. And I just keep mechanically putting one foot in front of the next. Wash this dish, dry that tear, smile, try to pay attention, try to listen, try not to fall apart here, breathe. And in my mind the lies about my value and my worth and my purpose bounce back again and again and again despite my attempts to slap them away. And I feel like I'm playing a game of ping-pong against a brick wall, and every day I feel weaker. Tired. Too tired and so overwhelmed.

And yet... the hope remains. It still endures. I know, I can't stop knowing, how much I am loved. I have not forgotten. And even as I fail more and more, and perhaps fall more and more, I feel His love. I feel His acceptance of me. I feel His gentle encouragement. He is not ashamed of me. He is not ashamed of my grief. He is not anxious or afraid of the present or the future.

I was created for Him, and He holds me, broken, and He is not disappointed.

So, as I struggle through another day, I remember. As I run my emotions dry on the treadmill, I remember. As I stand in front of the mirror and fight back the tears of disgust and dislike, I remember.

I remember my affliction and my wandering,

the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.
Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD’s great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, “The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him.”
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
(Lamentations 3:19-26)

I remember, and I won't forget. The spark of hope is in me yet, the light of His love burns in my heart even still, I have seen His miracles, and by His grace I still believe.

The path of the righteous is like the morning sun, shining ever brighter till the full light of day. (Proverbs 4:18)

Posts that have given me hope this week:
Peter's Easter Sermon
Just Breathe
When Christians Ask Why


**And yes, that is a reference to The NeverEnding Story. Because it's God's grace (and even humor) through the little things that is helping me get through. :)