Three Places We Love

There are definitely times that I don't love California - not one bit. Days like yesterday, for example. It was 100 degrees at noon. And I don't mean it was 100 degrees in a hyperbolic way - I mean IT WAS 100 DEGREES. AT NOON. AT THE END OF SEPTEMBER. We're supposed to be enjoying the first few days of autumn right now - thinking ahead to warm apple cider, and sweaters, and falling leaves, and cool, crisp days watching football. Instead we are being slowly desiccated in this hellacious dust bowl of a state. But I digress.

While many things in SoCal (the fast, hip way to refer to Southern California), are crowded, expensive, smoggy, and occasionally dusty and hot (did I mention this already?), there are a few places that I will miss when/if we ever leave. Probably, anyway. And there are three places in particular that are quite lovely for moms of small children: Lacy Park, Kidspace, and Huntington Gardens. Eden and I try to visit each of these as much as possible when it's not 100 degrees and/or raining ash from the sky.

Lacy Park: Located in fancy schmancy San Marino, Lacy Park would really just be a decently nice city park in most areas of the United States. It has a nice playground area, shaded picnic tables, a nice open grassy field, a baseball diamond, and two short loops for joggers, dog walkers, etc. It also has some tennis courts and a pretty rose arbor, which is where these pictures from awhile back were taken:

However, while all this might compose just maybe a little-nicer-than-average park elsewhere, it is practically heaven-on-earth here in SoCal. Or at least my part of SoCal. To begin with, Lacy Park is one of maybe two places we can go where you CANNOT HEAR TRAFFIC. Well, unless you listen very carefully. And don't count helicopters. Instead, you can actually hear birds singing and stuff. Almost like you're outside. In nature. Also, because it is located in fancy schmancy San Marino, Lacy Park is always very clean and well-kept and surprisingly devoid of homeless people. (Which actually makes me kind of sad now - because why don't homeless people get to enjoy it too?) The only real drawback to this location is that you have to pay to get in on weekends if you're not a San Marino resident. Which is just one reason why I house bitterness in my heart against the residents of San Marino. (However, their hoity-toitiness is useful for the occasional laugh, as with this line from the Lacy Park website: "Dogs are welcome with their owners, providing they are on a leash and that their owners see to it that the dogs mind their manners and that their excesses are cared for." Excesses. Huh. That's one way to put it, I guess.)

Unfortunately, this is the most recent picture I have of Lacy Park. At least you can see that it has nice green grass - a rarity in SoCal!

A tired Eden enjoys a snack after a morning playing in the park:

This was actually supposed to be a picture of the nasty bump Eden got on her head the night before when she tripped and fell into the entertainment center, but all you can see is a scratch:

Kidspace: Kidspace is awesome if you are a child. Honestly, it is awesome for adults too, and I think many parents probably find themselves wishing they could take a turn at climbing the oversized ant-hill, or splashing in the creek, or playing the drums with water guns, or whatever. One of my favorite lines from the (fantastic!) movie Stranger than Fiction is when Harold asks Dave if he isn't a little too old to go to space camp (which is Dave's lifelong dream), and Dave responds, "You're never too old to go to space camp, dude." That's how Kidspace is - all around good fun, the kind you never outgrow. Unfortunately, it is usually completely overrun by preschoolers and young elementary school students, which means Eden, despite her spunk, is in constant danger of being flattened. It is also relatively expensive so we generally only go a few times each year when I'm able to get free tickets through work. But then it's fun to see all the new ways Eden can interact with the toys and activities since our last visit.
Kidspace has a really cool kaleidoscope-esque entrance. It is beautiful - one of my favorite features in an overall great facility:
I thought this picture was kind of cool even though it was overexposed:

Huntington Gardens: Huntington Gardens is really The Huntington Library, Art Collections, and Botanical Gardens, but who wants to say (or type) all of that? And since Eden was born we only ever really enjoy the gardens anyway - art museums and research libraries not generally being stroller friendly. The Huntington is also anything but free, BUT on the Mother's Day just before Eden was born Peter bought me a membership, and it has turned into one of my prize possessions.

The Huntington is also in San Marino and thus has very odd hours (because those San Marinoans - San Marinites? - don't want anyone to make any noise too early in the morning, as in before noon, or be present in any way, shape, or form by the time they return home in the evening). However, last year we upgraded our membership so that we can go in before the regular opening hours a few days a week. It is wonderful! There are all kinds of beautiful plants and flowers and trees and lots of big open areas where Eden can run around. And, best of all, they recently opened a children's garden that has all kinds of neat water fountains and tunnels and places to climb and hide, etc., etc. Of the three places in this post, the Huntington is probably my favorite because it is the biggest and has the most nooks and crannies, meaning that if you go early and take the smaller paths you can sometimes almost feel like you are not living in a city with a million-billion other people. Almost.

Once again, these pictures don't actually help you visualize the gardens - sorry:

Anyway, I hope you've enjoyed another view into our world. Things are going pretty hunky-dory here. These next few weeks will be some of our busiest this season - full of all good things, but I will probably still be happy when the busyness is over and things settle down a bit. And before I go, I want to mention that my dear, sweet husband turned another year older this month. We celebrated with an evening of presents, Kansas City Jack Stack BBQ, and The Office, and then on the following Sunday hosted another celebratory get-together with friends. I am so thankful to be married and sharing my life with such a kind, funny, intelligent, compassionate, and insightful man. Happy birthday (month), Pete!! We love you!

Eden sitting on the just-arrived Jack Stack BBQ box. I love that face!

My Pete - just before Eden arrived (notice the massive belly to the right)...:
And now...:

Testing, Testing

Hello?

Is anyone out there? Did the great blog migration of 2009 conclude successfully or am I now writing into a void? Truth be told, when I compose my posts I often feel like I'm writing into a void - and I actually kind of like it that way. It gives the process that cathartic "dear diary" feeling. I just always have to go back and make sure that I didn't write anything too embarrassing before I publish the post. I figure if what I write passes the mom-check and boss-check, I'm golden.

So, I changed the blog name, url, and a little bit of the layout. What do you think? For those of you who normally read your blog posts like I do - straight from Google Reader - things might look pretty different from the last time you visited "in-person." I'm not too certain about the colors honestly - they seem a bit garish to me sometimes. But I also wanted something a little fun and upbeat. Plus, I can always change it later. (If you all hate it, let me know and that later can be a little sooner.)

I decided to change the name for a few basic reasons: 1) I'm starting a new chapter in my life which I'm partially celebrating (and recording) through renewed blogging endeavors, and I think new chapter+renewed blog=new blog name, 2) I decided I'd rather have a title that's a bit more anonymous, and 3) the old title was boring. I'm not the best at coming up with creative names though so I just scribbled down ideas as they came to me over a few days and then had Peter, and my friend Megan, give me feedback on what they liked best.

The chosen title comes from a favorite e.e. cummings quote, "The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful." Now, you should know, poetry and poets are one of the greatest mysteries on earth to me. Seriously. I never understand poetry. And poets seem even more incomprehensible to me most of the time. Their brains just work in very different ways or something, I don't know. I mention this because I have no idea what mr. e.e. cummings really meant by his quote. It probably has some secret genius significance or symbolism that went right over my head. And that's fine. Because I've developed a very egocentric approach to poetry (and with all other art): in my opinion, at the end of the day, all that matters is what it means to me.

I am a person who looks at the world and sees a lot of mud and puddles. I like to say that I'm like Eeyore. (Peter says I'm really a mix of Eeyore, Rabbit, and Piglet, but Eeyore is lovable in his gloominess while Rabbit and Piglet are basically basket-cases most of the time, so I think I'll just stick with Eeyore, thank-you-very-much.) I will never be an optimist. It's just not in my nature. But all the same, I have a certain fascination with optimism. And hope - dear, sweet, precious, hope - is one of my favorite forms of grace. So while I'm okay with my mud puddle tendencies (well, some of the time), I truly want to be a person who sees beauty and joy and hope in the world around me too. This world is not as it should be, not as it was meant to be, but there is still a glory in it - not just in the mountains and stars, but also in the mud and the puddles. And that's where I am most of the time, down here in the dust and the dirt and the mud and the puddles. And I just don't want to miss the wonder of it.

Blog 2.0

So I think I'm going to give the ol' blog a new name here soon. Unfortunately, that means the url really needs to change too - however, I suspect the vast majority of you are going to get an error message the next time you try to visit this page if I just change the url without any sort of heads up.

Sooooo, here's what I hope my new blog url will be: http://puddlewonderfulworld.blogspot.com. It won't work right now obviously - unless someone else registers that blog address before I do, which is always possible. The above was actually my fourth or fifth choice, so hopefully it won't get taken like my first few did. I believe I could create a new blog with that address now and save it, and then copy this blog over to it later, but who wants to do all that work?? I just want to type in a new title and address and be done. In other words, I'm lazy.

I plan to try to make the official changes tomorrow. Hopefully I won't lose any of you in the process. I will also be updating my facebook page with the new url, so if we're fb friends, feel free to check there if necessary - or even just e-mail or message me, and I'll send you the new info. I won't tell you the new title now, but some of you might be able to make a guess based on the address. At any rate, I'll give a little explanation behind it tomorrow.

See you then!!

Future Olympian

We'll see you in 2028.

The Station Fire

I imagine most of you have heard of the Station Fire by now. It was in the national news quite a bit a week or so ago. This is by far the closest a forest fire has ever come to our home, although we were well out of danger. Several of our friends had to evacuate their homes though, and our next door neighbor, a firefighter, was gone for days at a time, fighting the fire up in the foothills above Pasadena and beyond.

Here's a picture of Sean (our neighbor) on the day the fire started. He is the one standing in the front, on the right:

While we were safe from the flames, we did struggle a lot with the smoke produced by this fire. For over a week we were told to stay indoors with our air conditioner on (and as it was 100+ degrees almost every day, we were more than happy to comply). Unfortunately, our ac unit is old and probably clogged with all the dust that is constantly blowing about here in our desert environment. Because of this, on several mornings we woke with burning throats and eyes to an apartment that smelled exactly like a campfire. Trying to seal up and recirculate air in an apartment that is already clogged with smoke is obviously pointless, so on these days we would pack a quick bag and try to drive somewhere out of the area. On Sunday, August 30th, we ended up down in Long Beach for an impromptu family day at the beach. We spent that evening and most of the next day at a friend's house in the nearby town of Sierra Madre. Eventually, the air improved and we could go back to spending the days in our apartment. Although we got quite stir-crazy after awhile, we were thankful that the fire didn't do as much damage to the community as it easily could have and grateful for shelter and air conditioning that at least kept us cool, even if it didn't keep the smoke out.

The Station Fire is still not completely contained although it is far enough away and under control now that our daily activities are no longer affected. The air quality is no longer in the unhealthy range, although it seems like it will hover around "moderate" for a long time yet. Unfortunately, we are really only at the beginning of fire season. Here's hoping that this fire, the largest in the history of Los Angeles County, and the 10th largest in the State, will be by far the worst we see this year.

Here are some pictures that I took with my new camera of the smoke, as well as our trip to the beach:

Believe it or not, there are mountains on the other side of those trees - they are just completely covered in smoke:

Things were looking much better at Sunset Beach:

Taking in the view:

Peter takes Eden to experience the surf:

Here it comes! Pete's head is missing in this photo because I was trying to take it while also jumping up out of the water myself. Have to protect the new camera!

Hmm. Not a fan.

Notice how she keeps a death grip on Pete from this point onward:

Or just flat out tries to climb up in his lap:

"Fine. You won't pick me up? I'm going to Mom."

A nice woman took this photo of us:

Our sweet girl:

We head home toward the smoke:

These big plumes could come and go in a matter of minutes. Sometimes they would fill the sky. At least we could see the mountains again:

Above our apartment:

Later that evening:

Lastly, here's a video that Peter took of Eden at the beach. She finally got the guts up to walk on the sand (well away from the water):

Bits and Pieces

So I've almost caught up to the present with my posting on this blog. Here are a few last bits and pieces about events from the past month or so:

I had jury duty on August 14th and 17th. It really, really stunk. I don't think many people enjoy jury duty, but I was especially downhearted about it as I had to go to a courthouse in downtown Los Angeles on the Friday that was supposed to be my last day of work and then the following Monday that was supposed to be my first day as a stay-at-home mom. I had actually been called over a year ago but had postponed it twice as I was nursing (an acceptable excuse for the Los Angeles County Superior Court). Unfortunately, I was later informed that I could only postpone twice - and would have to report in August 2009 (regardless of the fact that I was/am still nursing - sorry if TMI).

In LA you are supposed to call in every night for a week to see if you have to report the next day. I got called in on the very last day - which, as I mentioned, was a Friday, and supposed to be my last day as a full-time librarian. I was bummed because it prevented me from cleaning out my desk and finishing off several projects - plus I had been planning to bring in cupcakes and enjoy a small sense of closure as I said goodbye to the working-full-time part of my life (for at least awhile). As it was, I went and spent the morning in the jury waiting room - then was called for a panel sometime in the middle of the afternoon. (I was the very last of about 60 people called - so close!) The interview process ended up taking two full days - so I had to come back in on Monday to see if I would actually be placed on a trial. In addition to just not wanting to be there for obvious reasons, it was painfully boring to listen to 60 people answer the same questions over and over and over again. Finally, at the very end of the second day, they called me up to be interviewed. (I was also the very last person again.) They were hoping to make me an alternate, but when they found out I was a stay-at-home mom to a one-year-old, they dismissed me, saying that caring for a child under the age of 5 was a valid excuse. (Why oh why they couldn't have said that before I spent 2 days on jury duty, I'm not sure.)

In the end, I was very glad to not be selected as it was for a murder trial that would probably have lasted for a week or more. I am a terrible decision-maker - I can't even imagine trying to decide the guilt or innocence of someone accused of murder. It makes me shudder to even think about it. Plus, since becoming a stay-at-home mom, our budget has obviously shrunk considerably, and it would have been difficult to afford child care and transportation for all those days. As it was, my two days of jury service cost our family an unbudgeted $80. Los Angeles County sent me a check for $18. Better than nothing, I suppose.

I understand the "civic duty" idea and believe juries perform an essential function. However, my experience definitely led me to believe the whole jury system needs some serious reform. I very much felt like a prisoner while I was there - largely because of the way the court staff behaved, including the very condescending judge. Believe me, I understand the difficulties of working with the general public, but still, considering the cost jurors are paying (I'm sure our $80 was nothing compared to what others had to bear), and the value/nature of the juror role, a little more respect and professionalism would have been nice. Anyway, I'm glad to be done with it for what I hope is a very long time. Ironically, Pete had jury duty yesterday and will find out next week if he has to go back in for what may end up being a 20+ day trial. I don't think he would mind so much since he's always had an interest in government-related things. We found out he should get paid for his time, providing he works from home in the evenings. That kind of stinks but is much better than trying to make up for the loss of his salary. Anyway, there's still a chance he won't get selected.

Wow - I just meant to mention the jury duty thing but apparently the memory still rankles a bit... Anyway, here are the other bits and pieces that I wanted to note:

Eden went in for her one-year-old appointment on August 26th (so a bit closer to the 13th month mark). She weighed 17 pounds, 11 ounces and was 29 and 3/4 inches tall. That puts her at about the 3rd percentile for weight and 60th percentile for height. The pediatrician said he still isn't worried about her weight, and I'm not either - too much, anyway. I try to get her to eat as much as she'll take, but I figure if she's turning food down, she can't be too hungry - and I don't want to teach her to ignore her sense of being full. Peter thinks her non-stop activity might also contribute to her smaller weight and our pediatrician seemed to agree. That seems like a good thing overall, and since she doesn't look too skinny to me (although definitely petite), I'm not that worried about it at the moment. I do look forward to her being big enough to go in the front-facing car seat soon though! It will be so nice to turn around and see her face.

To wrap up this post, I thought I'd share a little video I took from our living room window a few weeks ago. More and more I've been missing the country lately, so this was a nice little reminder that we are not completely removed from nature, even here in Los Angeles: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jia4IKQ1SuM. If you listen, you'll hear Eden playing in the background. (She actually took advantage of my distraction to dump the cats' water bowl on herself.) I'm very glad that humans generally have one baby at a time.

The Big 3-0

I turned 30 a few weeks ago. Mostly, I feel good about it. To begin with, it's good to be alive. I mean really - that is a pretty big pro, right? And I'm glad to be older. My twenties were all over the place - they were great, they were terrible. I definitely was still in the throes of forming my identity. And while I think there is a pretty good chance that on my 40th birthday I will say the same thing about my thirties, I'd like to think I've grown and matured a little over the past decade. I'm older yes, but also at least a little wiser I think.

At the same time, in the last year or so I've begun feeling just a smidgen, well, older. I have a harder time falling asleep, I feel out of energy more, I get more backaches and sore muscles, etc. I don't mean to exaggerate it - it's not really that bad - but it's just enough that I've noticed the difference. Now, there is a possibility that the fact that in the last year or so I've also birthed a child and have never since had a single night of eight unbroken hours of sleep (and very few of eight hours period) might also have something to do with it. Plus, it's not like I'm getting exercise (well, not in a good way). So, maybe if I slept well, ate well, exercised well, I'd feel just as youthful and energetic as always. (I kind of hope so, because then maybe there is a chance I will feel that way again soon. We hope to have Eden sleeping through the night soon, and eating better and exercising more is definitely on my list of stay-at-home-mom goals.)

Overall though, despite the cultural pressure to feel bad about turning 30, I think I'm definitely feeling/seeing more of the pros than the cons. I'm glad to be in this life, glad to be with my family, glad to know what little I know and to have the opportunity to learn more. Glad to be at least a little less anxious about myself and my future - more comfortable in my own skin, if you will. A few more aches and pains in exchange for the above is a good trade in my opinion.

Since I think all milestones should be celebrated, I was determined to not let my 30th birthday slip by without doing something out of the ordinary. Peter made the day itself very special by letting me sleep in, then having Eden bring me several wonderful presents, before taking me to my birthday party at a friend's house. After the party we came home and had a nice relaxing evening watching Whale Rider (one of my favorite movies). BUT - that's not the end. While the day itself was wonderful, we are also making plans for one more celebratory event. I tried to think of something I've always wanted to do, but wouldn't do except for a special reason, and what I've come up with is... a hot air balloon ride! I think that could be a really fun experience, but it's definitely not something we would just go do for kicks on a Friday night. In other words, its something I think I will always be glad to have done, but won't ever actually do, unless I connect it to something specific - like celebrating my 30th birthday! So that's our plan at the moment - we're still looking into options as far as companies/locations/etc., and there's a chance we might switch to a different activity/event if something else catches my eye before plans are finalized, but regardless, I'm excited!

And, if I do get to take a hot air balloon ride, I will be able to capture the views and scenery with my new fancy-schmancy camera! I got many wonderful presents from friends and family but one of my favorites was a new camera I purchased with birthday money (plus a bit of money saved up from past birthdays/Christmas/etc.) It's a Canon Powershot SX110, and it's wonderful. It's basically a very nice digital point and shoot with some extra manual options for when I want to learn more about photography - which I hope to do sometime in the next year. I know next to nothing now, so I've just been taking pictures in the AUTO setting, and they've been great! And there's definitely a lot more that I will be able to do with it once I'm ready. Plus, I can also shoot a limited amount of video with the camera, which will be nice for posting crazy/funny/cute clips of Eden to the blog. (One such clip is already waiting in the wings for an upcoming post.)

As you can see, my 30th birthday was extra-special, just as I'd hoped, with time with family and friends, fun new toys, and plans for out-of-the-ordinary activities in the near future. And the fact that my last day at my full-time job was the Friday before was just the icing on the cake (and also, not a coincidence - happy birthday to me!). As a friend recently stated, my life is way better than average. I am so grateful.

First pics with the new camera:

A Very Long Ramble About Timelines, Life, and... Bears?

Disclaimer: I am really long-winded. Really.

Back when we were going through premarital counseling (almost 10 years ago now) Peter and I completed an activity where we individually created a "timeline" for our married life. Without collaborating in any way we were supposed to write down our goals/expectations for where we would be (as both individuals and a family) in 5, 10, 15, 25 years, etc. Then, during one of our counseling sessions, we sat down together and compared notes. The idea behind the exercise was that couples often have different ideas/expectations when it comes to the big picture of their future - but often don't reflect on these expectations in any sort of concrete way, as individuals or as partners, leading to conflict down the road in their married lives.

When Peter and I compared notes we discovered that our "life plan" matched almost completely. This was encouraging, and being a planner, I subconsciously hoped that this meant we would not only avoid conflict but also be able to simply tick off our life goals in a simple, straightforward, and well-organized manner. (Because really, I am more than a tad bit neurotic when you come right down to it.) Grad school? Check. Perfect jobs? Check. House? Check. Baby? Check. All in perfectly timed succession. After all, we'd made our plans. We'd even agreed on the plans we developed independently. Clearly, it was meant to be.

Well, needless to say, life has not turned out exactly according to our plans. It started off all right - we moved to California in the first chapter of our big adventure so that Peter could attend seminary. But we didn't move back to the Midwest (and our perfect jobs, and house, and family) when he graduated. Instead, a little over seven years after we set up camp on the West Coast, we're still here. And during that time we've been through soul-sucking jobs, major depression, job terminations, friendship terminations (well, almost), a year of trying to get pregnant with no success, a miscarriage at the 15th week, strained finances, doubt/confusion/anger/anxiety/fear/homesickness (that would be me, mostly), and all the other normal ups and downs of life.

But, honestly, I love my life. And I'm not just saying that. I really, really do. Now, to be fair, many of the things in the above list are behind us, or at least strongly diminished. We have jobs we like and find reasonably fulfilling. We have wonderful friends who support and encourage us and make us laugh. We have a great home and live in a great city. And, most notably, we have a truly amazing little girl whom we have been given the privilege to raise and love. So it's not too hard to love life these days. (Although the still-living-in-an-apartment situation is quite a regular struggle for me, truth be told. We have a great apartment, and I know I should be grateful for it, and I am most of the time, but... it's a struggle. I practically drooled over a washer and dryer at Best Buy the other day. And I was also informed by a 5-year-old that my house was way too small, and I needed to get a bigger one like his. I hear ya, kid. Oops - I mean, I have a great apartment.)

But, and here's where we actually start getting to the point of this post believe-it-or-not, part of the reason I love my life is because I've become much more capable of letting go of my expectations and plans when it comes to a timeline. (Okay, the people closest to me - who hear all my grumblings on a regular basis - might disagree with the previous statement. But really. I've gotten a LOT better.) To just cut to the chase and be completely cheesy, I've started expecting the unexpected.

Life does not go the way we plan or expect. Period. Not occasionally, or sometimes. Pretty much always. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that anything major in life going the way it was planned would probably be the exception to the rule. At least, that's the way my life is. Don't get me wrong, Peter and I still make plans and set goals. We just hold them very, very loosely. And I think that's a good thing. It not only allows us to be more flexible and unperturbed by unexpected change, it also gives us greater room and freedom to grow and develop as individuals.

Case in point: my job. (Aha! Now you see where I'm going with this!) When I started grad school for my library degree, Peter and I agreed that if I got into it and hated it, I could quit. If I got halfway through and got pregnant, I could quit. Or take a class a year. Or whatever. There would be no mutterings or worrying over lost tuition or time or whatever. Why? Because life doesn't go the way we plan or expect and sometimes you just have to try something and be willing to let it go if it doesn't work. So when I got a full-time librarian job, all those same qualifications still applied.

And then, we had Eden.

Talk about a life changer. Can anyone really be prepared for what it means to have a child? I don't think so. Seriously, this is definitely one of those events where you just need to fully embrace the "expect the unexpected" mantra. People can (and will!) tell you how hard it is to be a parent and how your life will never be the same, yada, yada, yada, till you can (and will!) hear it in your sleep, but it won't make a difference. Even if you hang on to their every word, soaking it all in and reflecting on it with utmost gravity and the best intentions, it still won't matter. You can't prepare for this, people. You just can't. Well, that's what I think anyway.

So, we had Eden, and once again realized that nothing was set in stone. Not plans, not timelines, not jobs, nothing. Furthermore, I quickly realized that when it comes to motherhood, I not only needed to expect the unexpected with regard to circumstances external to me, but also internally. Having a baby rattled up my identity and emotions in unexpected ways. I'd never been one of those girls who loved kids or babies. I mean, I didn't dislike kids. I just didn't oooh and ahhh over them and want to hold them or play games or stuff like that all the time. I hated baby-sitting. Talk about a miserable way to make some extra cash. So I never thought I'd be the stay-at-home-mom type.

But then I had Eden and the world shifted inside and out, and suddenly I was Mama Bear. And let me tell you that Mama Bear is not interested in careers, or corporate ladders, or time invested in graduate degrees, or pretty much anything outside of taking care of that baby. She's DEFINITELY not interested in paying someone else to do the job that she wants to do (needs to do) so that she can go sit in a staff meeting somewhere, or read through 14 kazillion e-mails everyday, or try to answer reference questions like "what do demons look like in real life?" (actual question from a few days ago). I did not expect Mama Bear. I did not know the potential for such a creature was even inside of me. I kind of thought I'd have a baby and just go on being the same person I always was except, you know,... with a baby. But that is not how things turned out.

Side note: They really need to figure out what hormone or neurotransmitter or crazy lurking DNA brain thingy is responsible for turning previously ordinary, rational women into Mama Bears, and then bottle it up. Because seriously, you could start a revolution with that stuff.

Anyway, at first I thought, well, I'll just work long enough after the baby is born to pay off my student loans. Then, as my return-to-work date actually loomed on the horizon, I changed that to I'll just work one full year. But after I started back at work full-time it became much more a matter of, just try to make it to the 6 week mark, okay now the 3 month mark, can I hold out for 6 months?, there is no way I can make it a year... By the end I was counting the days, hours, minutes. It was painful. And not just painful because I missed Eden and had lost much of my enthusiasm for my job. Painful because I felt like I had to hide it - because I didn't feel like I could just say that out loud and be taken seriously. Painful because I felt like I was being somehow unprofessional and immature by wanting to "stay-at-home." Painful because I didn't like to admit even to myself that I had changed so much so quickly - it made me feel fickle, unreliable, like I wasn't a committed or dependable adult.

The truth is, I have a very, very small pain tolerance - physically and emotionally. I learned the first during labor, but I should have remembered the second from a series of past experiences. If I'm forced to do something that I don't enjoy or find fulfilling, there is a good chance I will be emotionally shredded within a very short span of time. Fortunately, I have a husband who loves me, understands me, and supports me. And fortunately, he was not taken aback by the unexpected shift in my feelings and plans (or if he was, he hid it well). He encouraged me in my job but when it got to the point that I just couldn't do any more, he was more than okay with letting go of the previous goals and charting a new course - even if it meant some things were lost in the process. He is a really great husband and a great friend to me.

Sooooo, the gist of all this is that as of the middle of August (the 17th to be exact) I stopped working full-time at the library and became a stay-at-home mom. I still work about 10 hours a week - mostly in the evenings and on weekend afternoons - and that seems to be enough hours for me to feel like I'm staying in the loop of my profession (for whenever I want or need to go back) as well as enable us to stay afloat financially (as we also tighten the belt quite a bit). The few hours that I'm away, Eden is either asleep or being watched by Peter for the most part. This means that we are saving on childcare as well as being able to give her greater consistency in her schedule and life. All good things.

And being home with her is wonderful. Tiring, of course. Taking care of a child is work as anybody who has done it knows. But it's so meaningful to me and such a joy to see her grow and explore and learn. She's such a smarty-pants. And so inquisitive! And fearless! It does my soul good just to be around her. I'm sure that I will have moments of doubt about this decision - I am me, after all - but spending more time with Eden is just one of those things that can't be too wrong.

What a wonder is the unexpectedness of life!

First Birthday Bash

My baby girl turned 1-year-old on Saturday, August 1st. We had a small, casual BBQ in her honor with a few friends, cupcakes (in the shape of a caterpillar!), and a startling large number of presents. (We didn't even give her our presents on her birthday because there were so many. And then she got TWO additional boxes FULL of presents in the following week from family members. I made a joke that our apartment should now be known as Eden's Closet, but really, it sometimes seems kind of true...)

Eden was in a great mood all day and seemed to thoroughly enjoy her party. She loves being around people, and just happily wandered around the house from one person or toy to another cheerfully chattering and pointing and laughing and exploring. She's such a great kid. She didn't really get the whole unwrapping presents process (as we expected) but she had a great time watching two friends (5-year-old twins) "assist" her and occasionally digging for a cell phone (an all-time-favorite baby toy) that we hid in a gift bag here and there.

As mentioned previously, Eden's birthday cake was actually cupcakes made to look like a caterpillar. She got her very own cupcake and had a great time taking it apart and eating it (all on camera, of course). She was actually pretty dainty with the cake at first, but eventually headed down the much anticipated shove-cake-into-face path to the enjoyment of all. Her specific cupcake (they were all different colors etc.) was vanilla with whipped cream topping and rainbow sprinkles.

Unfortunately, Peter left his camera at work, so we don't have any photos at the moment. We used our camcorder a lot though, and Pete put together a relatively short (and very sweet) birthday video that can be seen here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tEr226Yvp6o.

I'm so proud of my little girl and so thankful to have shared one year of life with her! It really has gone by in a blink. She is more amazing and incredible than I could possibly describe or have ever possibly anticipated. I can't wait to see what she'll be like with each passing year.