A Very Long Ramble About Timelines, Life, and... Bears?

Disclaimer: I am really long-winded. Really.

Back when we were going through premarital counseling (almost 10 years ago now) Peter and I completed an activity where we individually created a "timeline" for our married life. Without collaborating in any way we were supposed to write down our goals/expectations for where we would be (as both individuals and a family) in 5, 10, 15, 25 years, etc. Then, during one of our counseling sessions, we sat down together and compared notes. The idea behind the exercise was that couples often have different ideas/expectations when it comes to the big picture of their future - but often don't reflect on these expectations in any sort of concrete way, as individuals or as partners, leading to conflict down the road in their married lives.

When Peter and I compared notes we discovered that our "life plan" matched almost completely. This was encouraging, and being a planner, I subconsciously hoped that this meant we would not only avoid conflict but also be able to simply tick off our life goals in a simple, straightforward, and well-organized manner. (Because really, I am more than a tad bit neurotic when you come right down to it.) Grad school? Check. Perfect jobs? Check. House? Check. Baby? Check. All in perfectly timed succession. After all, we'd made our plans. We'd even agreed on the plans we developed independently. Clearly, it was meant to be.

Well, needless to say, life has not turned out exactly according to our plans. It started off all right - we moved to California in the first chapter of our big adventure so that Peter could attend seminary. But we didn't move back to the Midwest (and our perfect jobs, and house, and family) when he graduated. Instead, a little over seven years after we set up camp on the West Coast, we're still here. And during that time we've been through soul-sucking jobs, major depression, job terminations, friendship terminations (well, almost), a year of trying to get pregnant with no success, a miscarriage at the 15th week, strained finances, doubt/confusion/anger/anxiety/fear/homesickness (that would be me, mostly), and all the other normal ups and downs of life.

But, honestly, I love my life. And I'm not just saying that. I really, really do. Now, to be fair, many of the things in the above list are behind us, or at least strongly diminished. We have jobs we like and find reasonably fulfilling. We have wonderful friends who support and encourage us and make us laugh. We have a great home and live in a great city. And, most notably, we have a truly amazing little girl whom we have been given the privilege to raise and love. So it's not too hard to love life these days. (Although the still-living-in-an-apartment situation is quite a regular struggle for me, truth be told. We have a great apartment, and I know I should be grateful for it, and I am most of the time, but... it's a struggle. I practically drooled over a washer and dryer at Best Buy the other day. And I was also informed by a 5-year-old that my house was way too small, and I needed to get a bigger one like his. I hear ya, kid. Oops - I mean, I have a great apartment.)

But, and here's where we actually start getting to the point of this post believe-it-or-not, part of the reason I love my life is because I've become much more capable of letting go of my expectations and plans when it comes to a timeline. (Okay, the people closest to me - who hear all my grumblings on a regular basis - might disagree with the previous statement. But really. I've gotten a LOT better.) To just cut to the chase and be completely cheesy, I've started expecting the unexpected.

Life does not go the way we plan or expect. Period. Not occasionally, or sometimes. Pretty much always. In fact, I'd go so far as to say that anything major in life going the way it was planned would probably be the exception to the rule. At least, that's the way my life is. Don't get me wrong, Peter and I still make plans and set goals. We just hold them very, very loosely. And I think that's a good thing. It not only allows us to be more flexible and unperturbed by unexpected change, it also gives us greater room and freedom to grow and develop as individuals.

Case in point: my job. (Aha! Now you see where I'm going with this!) When I started grad school for my library degree, Peter and I agreed that if I got into it and hated it, I could quit. If I got halfway through and got pregnant, I could quit. Or take a class a year. Or whatever. There would be no mutterings or worrying over lost tuition or time or whatever. Why? Because life doesn't go the way we plan or expect and sometimes you just have to try something and be willing to let it go if it doesn't work. So when I got a full-time librarian job, all those same qualifications still applied.

And then, we had Eden.

Talk about a life changer. Can anyone really be prepared for what it means to have a child? I don't think so. Seriously, this is definitely one of those events where you just need to fully embrace the "expect the unexpected" mantra. People can (and will!) tell you how hard it is to be a parent and how your life will never be the same, yada, yada, yada, till you can (and will!) hear it in your sleep, but it won't make a difference. Even if you hang on to their every word, soaking it all in and reflecting on it with utmost gravity and the best intentions, it still won't matter. You can't prepare for this, people. You just can't. Well, that's what I think anyway.

So, we had Eden, and once again realized that nothing was set in stone. Not plans, not timelines, not jobs, nothing. Furthermore, I quickly realized that when it comes to motherhood, I not only needed to expect the unexpected with regard to circumstances external to me, but also internally. Having a baby rattled up my identity and emotions in unexpected ways. I'd never been one of those girls who loved kids or babies. I mean, I didn't dislike kids. I just didn't oooh and ahhh over them and want to hold them or play games or stuff like that all the time. I hated baby-sitting. Talk about a miserable way to make some extra cash. So I never thought I'd be the stay-at-home-mom type.

But then I had Eden and the world shifted inside and out, and suddenly I was Mama Bear. And let me tell you that Mama Bear is not interested in careers, or corporate ladders, or time invested in graduate degrees, or pretty much anything outside of taking care of that baby. She's DEFINITELY not interested in paying someone else to do the job that she wants to do (needs to do) so that she can go sit in a staff meeting somewhere, or read through 14 kazillion e-mails everyday, or try to answer reference questions like "what do demons look like in real life?" (actual question from a few days ago). I did not expect Mama Bear. I did not know the potential for such a creature was even inside of me. I kind of thought I'd have a baby and just go on being the same person I always was except, you know,... with a baby. But that is not how things turned out.

Side note: They really need to figure out what hormone or neurotransmitter or crazy lurking DNA brain thingy is responsible for turning previously ordinary, rational women into Mama Bears, and then bottle it up. Because seriously, you could start a revolution with that stuff.

Anyway, at first I thought, well, I'll just work long enough after the baby is born to pay off my student loans. Then, as my return-to-work date actually loomed on the horizon, I changed that to I'll just work one full year. But after I started back at work full-time it became much more a matter of, just try to make it to the 6 week mark, okay now the 3 month mark, can I hold out for 6 months?, there is no way I can make it a year... By the end I was counting the days, hours, minutes. It was painful. And not just painful because I missed Eden and had lost much of my enthusiasm for my job. Painful because I felt like I had to hide it - because I didn't feel like I could just say that out loud and be taken seriously. Painful because I felt like I was being somehow unprofessional and immature by wanting to "stay-at-home." Painful because I didn't like to admit even to myself that I had changed so much so quickly - it made me feel fickle, unreliable, like I wasn't a committed or dependable adult.

The truth is, I have a very, very small pain tolerance - physically and emotionally. I learned the first during labor, but I should have remembered the second from a series of past experiences. If I'm forced to do something that I don't enjoy or find fulfilling, there is a good chance I will be emotionally shredded within a very short span of time. Fortunately, I have a husband who loves me, understands me, and supports me. And fortunately, he was not taken aback by the unexpected shift in my feelings and plans (or if he was, he hid it well). He encouraged me in my job but when it got to the point that I just couldn't do any more, he was more than okay with letting go of the previous goals and charting a new course - even if it meant some things were lost in the process. He is a really great husband and a great friend to me.

Sooooo, the gist of all this is that as of the middle of August (the 17th to be exact) I stopped working full-time at the library and became a stay-at-home mom. I still work about 10 hours a week - mostly in the evenings and on weekend afternoons - and that seems to be enough hours for me to feel like I'm staying in the loop of my profession (for whenever I want or need to go back) as well as enable us to stay afloat financially (as we also tighten the belt quite a bit). The few hours that I'm away, Eden is either asleep or being watched by Peter for the most part. This means that we are saving on childcare as well as being able to give her greater consistency in her schedule and life. All good things.

And being home with her is wonderful. Tiring, of course. Taking care of a child is work as anybody who has done it knows. But it's so meaningful to me and such a joy to see her grow and explore and learn. She's such a smarty-pants. And so inquisitive! And fearless! It does my soul good just to be around her. I'm sure that I will have moments of doubt about this decision - I am me, after all - but spending more time with Eden is just one of those things that can't be too wrong.

What a wonder is the unexpectedness of life!

Christmas 2008 and Beyond!

It has been extremely busy around the Hough House lately and there is a LOT to blog about. I actually started this post almost a month ago with the intention of writing a detailed description of our Christmas trip and all that has happened since then in a series of several new posts with pictures, etc. However, because of all that's going on, we're so busy that I'm realizing I will be lucky to blog briefly, if at all - and if I don't hurry up and at least summarize the last 6 weeks or so, it may never happen. So here's your whirlwind tour:

First of all, we took our first major trip together as a new family when we flew back to Missouri for Christmas/New Year's. Peter's last day of school was the 19th, we flew out on the 20th, spent several days with my family in St. Louis, drove across the state to Kansas City on Christmas Day, spent several days with Peter's family, then drove back to St. Louis on the 29th and stayed there until flying home New Year's morning (at 8:30 am!!!). It was wonderful seeing everyone again (especially my grandparents and a few of my nieces that I'd never met) and getting to introduce Eden to many of her relatives, but it was also quite exhausting, and I'm not sure I'd want to do it again any time soon.

Eden handled the travel and the trip as a whole in a very Eden way: like a champ, but like a champ who would always much rather be in the middle of all the activity than asleep. This was a bit wearying on her mama and papa but we are grateful for our active, inquisitive, and social little girl. Unfortunately, one repercussion of lots of travel and no sleep was that we all got sick - pretty bad colds actually - that started the day we got home. Between the colds, trying to readjust to our home schedule, and new activities (like Peter being away on a 3 day retreat), we had a rough few weeks of it. At one point, Eden went on a sleep strike and would hardly nap at all as well as wake up repeatedly at night. There was actually a 3 night stretch where I got just one hour of sleep each night. To be honest, I didn't even think that was possible! It was truly a terrible experience, and I'm glad it seems to be behind us, especially because just a few days after the sleep strike (and the morning after Peter returned from his retreat), I went back to work!

That's right - I am now officially a working mom. I started up full-time as a Librarian 1 back at my old library on January 20th. There's a lot I could write about my first few days back, all my new responsibilities, and how the whole experience of being away from Eden is going (and I probably will at some future point), but right now it is all still a bit too surreal. I feel like I've felt every emotion under the sun in the last few weeks (I'm in the middle of my third week back now), and I honestly still don't know what I think overall. I enjoy many parts of my job, but I hate others. Leaving Eden is the worst feeling in the world - I miss her so much! - but I get her ready in the morning, see her every day at lunch, and play with her most of the evening until bedtime, and I believe we're both getting some valuable experiences from this time. I've never, NEVER, been so busy in my life. Each day I can only think about that day - I have neither the mental space nor the energy to go one step beyond that. But we seem to be making it - and I think we may even be well on our way to a comfortable (although that word means something totally different now than it used to) routine. I know a lot of people feel very strongly about whether or not moms with small children should work or stay at home, and believe me, we have carefully considered the pros and cons. Right now, we think this is the right choice for us. It might not be the right choice next month or next year, but we are trying to be wise and responsible with what has been given us, and at the moment (independent of my crazy emotions which are never the same from one moment to the next) I'm in a state of guarded peace. Not sure if that even makes sense, but it's the best way I know how to describe it.

I only have a few minutes left, but I wanted to add some quick notes about some big milestones for our little girl. First of all, she has started eating solid foods! We're just at rice cereal and peas for now - we'll be slowly adding in some more options each week. We had to start a few weeks earlier than I wanted to give more feeding options while I was away at work, but she seems to be doing just fine with it all. She actually seems to really enjoy this new way of eating - she was opening her mouth and reaching for the spoon at her very first meal and now has even started trying to drink from a cup. Eden will now also get up on her hands and knees and rock back and forth when you put her on a blanket. She's done little more than inch forward once or twice while rocking, but I'm pretty sure we're going to be chasing her around the house in no time. Yesterday and today she also sat up unassisted. I can't believe how quickly she is growing and learning! She continues to be a happy, engaging, and quite comical little girl with a spunky personality - we really can't get enough of her. She keeps us endlessly entertained.

I'm sure I'm forgetting something major (probably several things), but I have to end this and quickly get ready for work. The posts will probably be pretty infrequent from now on, but hopefully I will still be able to provide at least quick summaries of life in the Hough House on a somewhat regular basis. Maybe I'll just become a much faster thinker/typist...

We took over 700 pictures during our Christmas trip. I don't have time to post a bunch now, but here's one of the Hough family enjoying their first Christmas:

Early Morning Ramble

Well, it's 5:57 in the morning here, and I've been up since about 4:15 am. I finally decided that if I was going to be awake, I might as well do something - thus, here's a new blog post! We're in a bit of a heat wave here in Southern California which has made falling to sleep initially difficult, and for me anyway, third trimester pregnancy has meant that once I wake up (which usually happens sometime in the 4 o'clock hour), I can't fall back asleep again - at least not until about 7 or 8 o'clock, which is when I have to get up anyway.

Other than my sleep deprivation issues, things here are going pretty well. Baby is kicking and moving around like a madwoman right now, which I always figure is a good sign of health and vitality. Work is going well enough. I've noticed a slightly decreased interest in my reference questions lately - I don't seem to be enjoying the research quite as much as normal - but I think this might just be a reflection of being distracted by other non-work life events. For example, school is being a bit of a bear: I'm taking a web design class which I thought was for beginners, but 80% of what the teacher said in lecture yesterday went completely over my head, so I may have been misinformed about that when I registered for class. The information is interesting though (we're learning HTML and CSS right now), so even if I'm facing a monstrously steep learning curve, that helps. Unfortunately, I'm having to spend about 4 hours a day in homework on this class just to try to keep up at all - and I'm not even sure that's enough (since the last lecture was mostly gibberish to me). Normally this situation would stress me out to the extreme, and I definitely have felt some serious stress at moments, but on the other hand, it's my last class before graduating, it's more of an elective (not essential to my job so anything I learn is a bonus), and there's a reasonable chance I'm going to have to take an Incomplete for it anyway if Baby comes on or before her due date. All good reasons not to worry too much I figure. Although it sure would be nice to have some free time for other things.

That's about it for my life here at the moment. Pete's enjoying his job and getting to work with some new colleagues. He has a really great group of chaplains for next year. And he's starting a drumline which both he and many of the kids are excited about! We've enjoyed a couple of great baby showers recently and feel so appreciative of all of our kind, generous, and supportive family and friends. Peter and a few of my friends even conspired to fly my mom out for the baby showers as a surprise - it was wonderful being able to see her and have her present for those events. I feel very, very blessed. If I can get it to work, I'll post a picture of me and my mom below (so you can see my big pregnant belly). It's crazy to me that we only have about six weeks left before this baby is actually here...

School, Books, Names, and The Pregosaurus

Let's see, some updates:

1. I'm done with school!!!! Okay, just the spring semester, but it was a killer, people. AND I have only one more class to take before I'm finished with the program, have my degree, and never, ever have to be in school again (fingers crossed). I'm currently signed up to take a Web Design class starting in June. The last day of class is actually my due date, so it should be interesting. I've already been pre-approved by the instructor for an Incomplete if I need it, but I'm really hoping that by some miracle I get everything done before I deliver so that once the baby comes I won't have to think about work OR school. It's probably wishful thinking, but a girl can hope.

2. Peter is almost finished with his school year. This upcoming week is his last week - which I think means it's mostly finals. A good wife would know for sure, but the details seem to have slipped my mind at the moment. He has a year-long contract so there's no big break coming up for him officially, but he will soon have A LOT more flexibility and free time in his work day which will be nice, and he'll be able to spend more time on the things he enjoys doing but always has to put off for other more urgent tasks. So we're looking forward to that.

3. I'm apparently at the irrationally-angry stage of pregnancy. Although perhaps this isn't actually a new stage and my friends and family have just been graciously putting up with a lot of abuse. I hope that's not the case. Anyway, the last week or two I've found myself becoming basically enraged by situations/circumstances/people that I might normally find frustrating but wouldn't consider homicide over. Yesterday at the library a patron I'd just finished helping grabbed a hold of my arm with both hands because she had just thought of another question to ask me and she wanted to quickly get my attention before I walked away. For me, it was kind of like a scene in a movie where you're looking out through a character's eyes, all the other noises in the room go silent, and you just hear the character's heartbeat and everything looks red - or something like that anyway. Fortunately, in the few seconds it took for me to get a grip and remind myself that I could NOT kill this woman (at least in the library with all the witnesses), she let go of my arm, and I was able to carry on like nothing had happened. As Andy from The Office once said, "That was an overreaction." I've been having a lot of overreactions lately, although I think I've successfully kept most of them hidden. As Baby Center informs me, I am now a "pregosaurus" - which is apparently the equivalent of bridezilla. I apologize in advance.

4. I finished The Host. If you don't know what I'm talking about see the below post on why it pays to be a librarian. Overall, I liked the book. The author is a good storyteller which is definitely what makes her Twilight series so popular. The Host took a little while to get going for me, and I lost my patience with the main character a few times (this could just have been pregosaurus warning signs), but I was definitely sucked in after awhile. I also cried at the end, which is often the sign of a good book just like it can be the sign of a good movie. It is a bit on the long side - or longer than it needs to be - but it seems to me that good storytellers often have trouble with being concise and self-editing in their writing - like J.K. Rowling, for example. But because they're good storytellers, we don't care. If anyone out there would like a more detailed review than this, just let me know and I'll send you an e-mail with all my thoughts, cautions, recommendations, etc. (without giving away the ending, of course). In more Stephenie Meyer news, the next book in the Twilight series, Breaking Dawn, is coming out in August. I just signed up on the library's wait list yesterday - I'm number 29. And I'm not ashamed to admit that I'm pretty excited. (By the way, Twilight the movie is coming out in December. This must be quite the year for the author.)

5. Thanks to everyone who voted on potential name spellings for the baby! (We had an ultrasound yesterday by the way, and she's looking great and apparently around 3 pounds now.) I'm debating the wisdom of setting up a poll so that everyone can actually vote for which of the 3 names they like the best, but I haven't decided if that's a good idea or not. We'll see...

Okay, well I hope that gives you a good summary of life in the Hough House at the moment! We hope you all are doing well!

New Job

So today was my first official day of my new job as a Librarian I. Even though I don't yet fully have my master's degree (I hope to graduate this summer), the powers-that-be in my library decided that I was far enough along in my program to qualify for a full-time entry-level librarian position. I didn't really think I had a shot to be honest, but I updated my resume, filled out the city's application, got called in for two panel interviews, and here I am! And my supervisors have been incredibly flexible - they are letting me work part-time until I finish this semester (possibly longer) and are genuinely supportive of my possible decision to take the full 6 months of maternity leave provided by the city (unpaid, of course). I know that legally they couldn't NOT hire me just because of my pregnancy, or deny my maternity leave, but when you think about it, between school and pregnancy, they hired me knowing that I might not actually be full-time (and thus take on my full responsibilities) for almost a year. I think that's pretty cool, and I'm excited to officially start my professional career working for an organization that's willing to show this much support for its employees.

Anyway, today was just a sort of introduction-to-the-position day. I'll be having a lot of those for awhile, which is fine by me since I'm not exactly looking forward to all the mistakes you inevitably make when starting a new position. Fortunately, my three previous years with the library as a "paraprofessional" (such a silly term), mean that I'm already fairly adjusted to the organizational culture and general policies and know most of the staff decently well. So I really just have to learn the details of the specific tasks I'll be responsible for - but to me at least, those are doozies.

My position is responsible for three main functions: 1) assisting the public at the reference desk (and over the phone and e-mail), 2) developing a section of the collection (so basically, selecting and weeding materials for a certain range of Dewey numbers at the main library and all 9 branches), and 3) MIS (which stands for Municipal Information Services and basically means I'm an information officer of sorts for the city and city personnel). The first task I've already been doing for about 2 years - so no sweat. The second two are brand new responsibilities to me and the last one especially will be a big responsibility - and the area in which I'm most likely to make a lot of "newbie" mistakes. Any city staff person can call or e-mail me with a city-related question, and I answer it for them. The intimidation factor comes with the fact that it may be the mayor's office calling, or the city attorney, and they can ask me about ANYTHING, and expect a thorough, accurate, and relatively speedy reply. Or, what is equally likely: the mayor's office, the city attorney, the city manager's office, and some dude from Public Works can all call with bizarre, complex questions AT THE SAME TIME and each tell me that they need the information ASAP. This type of situation, I am told, is not unusual.

So anyway, that's what I'm in for! And the truth is I'm really excited about the position and looking forward to learning a TON about professional library work, higher-level research, and city service. I'll keep you posted about my progress and how the new job is going (because I know you are all so excited to get detailed, behind-the-scenes information about reference librarianship). Sadly, for confidentiality reasons I won't be able to go into much (if any) detail about the questions I get (especially the MIS ones) - and believe me, it's mostly the never-ending flow of bizarre questions (and equally bizarre patron behaviors) that make my job interesting. But I'll find a way to share as many funny stories as possible.