I realize that the last post was a bit of a downer in a way, and even though I really don't have much to write tonight, I wanted to check in just to say that we are doing okay. And I mean okay in the best sense. Okay is quite good enough right now.
The last few days have been rough on my family. I'm not ready to get into the details at the moment, but as I mentioned before, our miscarriage has not been the only thing to grieve in the last two weeks. Right now, it is my brother who is really hurting, and of course, in whatever way we can, we are all hurting with him. Yesterday was an especially significant and difficult day. I thought I was prepared for it, but I was caught off guard by how hard it was to see my oldest brother, in many ways my childhood idol, suffering his own huge loss. I want to take his pain away, make his tomorrows easy and carefree, but I can't. And suddenly, with the burden that these last few days have brought, I feel myself bottoming out: the mental and emotional reserves nearing empty, my physical reserves following close behind. I had hoped to avoid this - I was trying to muster enough strength/energy/positive thoughts/I-don't-even-know-what everyday to keep my brokenness as neat and managed as possible. Yet now I feel my control slipping, and I worry that I am about to come all unraveled. I wonder what coming unraveled will mean in my life as it is to date - as a mother and a pastor's wife, as a new and old friend, and as a daughter and sister in a family that has really had quite enough lately, thank-you-very-much.
Strangely, (or perhaps not-so-strangely considering my Eeyore tendencies) one of my favorite books when I was a child was a rather slow-moving and depressing novel called Izzy, Willy-Nilly by Cynthia Voigt. (Cynthia Voigt is the Newberry Award-winning author of the more well-known Dicey's Song, which I also read as a child but didn't like at all.) In this story, a young girl by the name of Izzy (Isobel) is badly injured in a car accident and is forced to reform her understanding of self and others as she heals from her injuries and adapts to a new and vastly different life. Isobel often pictures a miniature version of herself in her head - and this miniature Izzy acts as an interpreter, both to the reader and perhaps to the main character herself, of Isobel's true emotions. I've always thought this was a very unique and interesting device on the part of the author for communicating information about how her character was feeling/developing without stating it overtly. And anyway, it has always stuck with me.
If there were a miniature Stephanie (ha! a mini-me!) in my head, I'm not sure that she would be doing too well right now. While spiritually I think I'm still holding strong for the most part, as I've stated already, mentally, emotionally, and physically I feel like I'm reaching the bottom of the barrel. Tonight, on the drive home from the city where my brother is still hospitalized, I had a sudden flashback to that story of the miniature Izzy. And in my mind I saw my own little miniature self - the one who I like to think has been shakily standing for the last couple of weeks - now lying bent over on the floor, too tired to even raise her head.
We are doing okay. We really are. And I still believe that one day, perhaps even not so far off, we all will be doing better than okay. I think we will be doing good.
I think we will be good.
But for now, we are okay.
Showing posts with label Eeyore. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Eeyore. Show all posts
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Friday, November 12, 2010
Can You Take An Almost Three-Year-Old To The Movies?
If so, this might be Eden's first...
For some reason the embedded video seems to be a bit off-center, so if you want the best viewing, just go here.
See you in the theaters July 2011!
For some reason the embedded video seems to be a bit off-center, so if you want the best viewing, just go here.
See you in the theaters July 2011!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
How To Become a Desperate Housewife
Step 1: Coupons.
That's right: C.O.U.P.O.N.S.
Once upon a time, when we first moved to California and were living on an incredibly tiny budget with basically no money in the bank, I was a devoted coupon clipper. And we saved a lot of money. But it also took a LOT of time - both in the actual clipping of the coupons and in digging through them in the store to compare prices, etc., in order to get the best deals. Over time we gradually slipped out of the habit. Pete was out of school, we were both working, the budget had much more breathing room, and the bank account had a comfortable cushion. The pressure was off, and the work no longer seemed worth it.
But when Pete took his new job as a pastor and I quit my job to become a full-time stay-at-home-mom, we knew we were going to need to tighten the belt again, and I was determined to become the Coupon Queen. Plus! Apparently over the last few years coupon clipping has become a BIG DEAL. As in there are a million blogs devoted to it. As in people no longer just clip coupons, they have coupon binders and boxes. They comb through store sale fliers in order to combine the best possible prices with the biggest possible coupons - and they post these super deals on their blogs so that everyone else can do the same. They create coupon databases (coupon databases!!). They even play drugstore games where, through some complicated system that I've yet to fully grasp, they are able to purchase hundreds of dollars of merchandise for fifty cents and some Monopoly money.
Okay, that is a slight exaggeration. (Extreme, extreme emphasis on slight.)
The point is, I felt sure with all of these new amazing resources at my fingertips, I'd be saving gigantic chunks of change in no time. I also thought I'd be able to avoid spending so much time clipping coupons (which is good because I seem to have no time these days) AND avoid carrying big handfuls of coupons around in the store with me while squinting for ten minutes at the price tags on a single set of product brands. (This is also good because: all that I just said? It does not work when you have a toddler sitting in the front of your shopping cart. No, really believe me. I tell you no lies here. Also: extreme, extreme emphasis on sitting.)
ANYWAY... to get on with this long, drawn-out story... Monday night I sat down with my spiffy little weekly meal plan, my grocery list, my pile of store ads and coupons from the Sunday paper, and my lovely little computer with what is probably the mother of all coupon blogs front and center on the screen, and I dove in, certain that I was about to work some magic. An hour later I gave up and went to bed having found and clipped a total of TWO (that's right, 2!) useful coupons. One of those coupons was to be used in conjunction with a store sale, which turned out to be nonexistent when I visited the store the next day. So I walked out with my groceries having saved sixty cents.
Sixty cents. For over an hour of work.
I did a little better today. Another hour of work last night resulted in a savings of eight dollars today at Target. But still!
I'm going to hang in there and give this coupon-clipping/blog-reading/drugstore-game-playing a little more time to work out. But I'm feeling pretty doubtful about all of it at this moment. It's not that I don't believe in the methods. I'm sure that there are many people out there saving tons of money this way, but I also strongly suspect that at least a few of them are living entirely off of fruit snacks and sugar cereal and/or have enough toothpaste and hair care products to support a small city for the next five years.
Step 2: Throw a birthday party for toddlers.
My sister-in-law and I thought that we could save time and money (do you sense a theme here?) by throwing a combined birthday party for my just-turned-two daughter and her just-about-to-turn-three son.
We were wrong.
Also, if I never see the face of Elmo or Curious George again, I will die a happy person. Super Grover is hanging on to my affections by a thread.
Step 3: Be a little crazy to begin with.
It's been a week. Actually, it's been several weeks. I won't go into it because you all have weeks too. You know what I'm talking about.
But I am also my own particular brand of crazy, and there's a reason why Peter says I have a little Rabbit mixed in with all my Eeyoreness. Eeyorenicity?
Last night my accumulated stress from these last few weeks came out, as it often does, in my sleep. The cats woke me up for their nightly supper at what I suspect was about 3 am, and after that I tossed and turned in a semi-awake stew of anxious thoughts and mental to-do lists for awhile until apparently succumbing to some form of sleep. But then I started having nightmares. And I definitely mean that noun to be pluralized.
My first nightmares were all about spiders. Particularly spiders in my ears. (Katie! I will apparently never recover from your story.) Then those were replaced by your standard burglar/murderer nightmares involving physical harm to me and Eden. THEN I started dreaming about driving off the Poplar Street Bridge and crashing into the Mississippi over and over and over again. And every time that nightmare restarted I would try to think of a different way to escape my car and the churning muddy water and every time I would fail and the dream would end just as I began to drown.
Soooooooo......
Hmmm, yeah, I don't think there's any hope of bringing this post back from that last paragraph.
Here's to better weeks for all of us! May all your coupons be doubled and all your cupcakes come pre-decorated!
At least, try not to think about the spiders.
That's right: C.O.U.P.O.N.S.
Once upon a time, when we first moved to California and were living on an incredibly tiny budget with basically no money in the bank, I was a devoted coupon clipper. And we saved a lot of money. But it also took a LOT of time - both in the actual clipping of the coupons and in digging through them in the store to compare prices, etc., in order to get the best deals. Over time we gradually slipped out of the habit. Pete was out of school, we were both working, the budget had much more breathing room, and the bank account had a comfortable cushion. The pressure was off, and the work no longer seemed worth it.
But when Pete took his new job as a pastor and I quit my job to become a full-time stay-at-home-mom, we knew we were going to need to tighten the belt again, and I was determined to become the Coupon Queen. Plus! Apparently over the last few years coupon clipping has become a BIG DEAL. As in there are a million blogs devoted to it. As in people no longer just clip coupons, they have coupon binders and boxes. They comb through store sale fliers in order to combine the best possible prices with the biggest possible coupons - and they post these super deals on their blogs so that everyone else can do the same. They create coupon databases (coupon databases!!). They even play drugstore games where, through some complicated system that I've yet to fully grasp, they are able to purchase hundreds of dollars of merchandise for fifty cents and some Monopoly money.
Okay, that is a slight exaggeration. (Extreme, extreme emphasis on slight.)
The point is, I felt sure with all of these new amazing resources at my fingertips, I'd be saving gigantic chunks of change in no time. I also thought I'd be able to avoid spending so much time clipping coupons (which is good because I seem to have no time these days) AND avoid carrying big handfuls of coupons around in the store with me while squinting for ten minutes at the price tags on a single set of product brands. (This is also good because: all that I just said? It does not work when you have a toddler sitting in the front of your shopping cart. No, really believe me. I tell you no lies here. Also: extreme, extreme emphasis on sitting.)
ANYWAY... to get on with this long, drawn-out story... Monday night I sat down with my spiffy little weekly meal plan, my grocery list, my pile of store ads and coupons from the Sunday paper, and my lovely little computer with what is probably the mother of all coupon blogs front and center on the screen, and I dove in, certain that I was about to work some magic. An hour later I gave up and went to bed having found and clipped a total of TWO (that's right, 2!) useful coupons. One of those coupons was to be used in conjunction with a store sale, which turned out to be nonexistent when I visited the store the next day. So I walked out with my groceries having saved sixty cents.
Sixty cents. For over an hour of work.
I did a little better today. Another hour of work last night resulted in a savings of eight dollars today at Target. But still!
I'm going to hang in there and give this coupon-clipping/blog-reading/drugstore-game-playing a little more time to work out. But I'm feeling pretty doubtful about all of it at this moment. It's not that I don't believe in the methods. I'm sure that there are many people out there saving tons of money this way, but I also strongly suspect that at least a few of them are living entirely off of fruit snacks and sugar cereal and/or have enough toothpaste and hair care products to support a small city for the next five years.
Step 2: Throw a birthday party for toddlers.
My sister-in-law and I thought that we could save time and money (do you sense a theme here?) by throwing a combined birthday party for my just-turned-two daughter and her just-about-to-turn-three son.
We were wrong.
Also, if I never see the face of Elmo or Curious George again, I will die a happy person. Super Grover is hanging on to my affections by a thread.
Step 3: Be a little crazy to begin with.
It's been a week. Actually, it's been several weeks. I won't go into it because you all have weeks too. You know what I'm talking about.
But I am also my own particular brand of crazy, and there's a reason why Peter says I have a little Rabbit mixed in with all my Eeyoreness. Eeyorenicity?
Last night my accumulated stress from these last few weeks came out, as it often does, in my sleep. The cats woke me up for their nightly supper at what I suspect was about 3 am, and after that I tossed and turned in a semi-awake stew of anxious thoughts and mental to-do lists for awhile until apparently succumbing to some form of sleep. But then I started having nightmares. And I definitely mean that noun to be pluralized.
My first nightmares were all about spiders. Particularly spiders in my ears. (Katie! I will apparently never recover from your story.) Then those were replaced by your standard burglar/murderer nightmares involving physical harm to me and Eden. THEN I started dreaming about driving off the Poplar Street Bridge and crashing into the Mississippi over and over and over again. And every time that nightmare restarted I would try to think of a different way to escape my car and the churning muddy water and every time I would fail and the dream would end just as I began to drown.
Soooooooo......
Hmmm, yeah, I don't think there's any hope of bringing this post back from that last paragraph.
Here's to better weeks for all of us! May all your coupons be doubled and all your cupcakes come pre-decorated!
At least, try not to think about the spiders.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Family Photo
I'm having a very Eeyore-y kind of day, so I'm not going to write much. Just wanted to post a picture that we took last night for our Christmas card. Peter actually got a bunch of really funny shots of Eden being silly last night - they're all on his camera right now, but hopefully I'll be able to post a few soon. Today has involved a lot of tantrum-throwing, hitting, and general fussiness so I wouldn't mind seeing a few of those photos again myself.
Until then...
May your days be merry and bright!
Until then...
May your days be merry and bright!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Title? Who Has Time to Think of a Title?
Can I just start this post off by saying the most unoriginal thing ever?
Things have been really busy around here.
Ahhhh. Okay, I feel better. Meanwhile, all of you out there are probably smacking yourselves in the head and thinking, "Are you kidding me?? Hello! It's December! That statement also accurately describes the week of every other human being on the face of the planet."
And really, do we even need December for an excuse? When are things ever not busy?
But I have no intentions of using this blog post for a philosophical reflection on the ever increasing pace of life (except to say, "It's all technology's fault! Also, we should get rid of phones. The End.") What I will use this post for is to catch you up on the goings-on of our family over the last week.
First of all, Eden has been busy destroying the house multiple times a day. This is probably her favorite activity now, apart from trying to hug the cats (to death) and pointing out the fact that she has a nose. (And mama has a nose! And daddy! And the cats! Look mama, nose! Nose, nose, nose!! Also, please bend down so that I can stab you in the nose with my sticky index finger.)
Here are a few images from a recent episode of Destroying the House (version Thursday morning, 9:02 am):
The other big news from the past week is that we went on a retreat with Christian Assembly Friday evening through Sunday morning. The retreat was in Forest Falls, California, at Forest Home - the same place where we've been twice before with retreats for Peter's school. (See here and here.) The speaker for this retreat was Tony Campolo. He was great. Think cantankerous old man with a passion for social justice and the poor. A very engaging and funny speaker with a knack for making challenging statements and starting controversy. He definitely made me stop and think about my life and whether or not I'm living up to what I say I believe. For that (and all the funny stories), I really appreciated the chance to hear him.
I think this was our best trip yet with Eden. We didn't get a ton of sleep the first night but did much better the second. She seemed to have a great time running around outside and playing with the other kids. And even the car rides to the retreat center and home were largely tantrum-free. Overall, it was a fantastic weekend to be together as a family, enjoy the mountains, and spend time with friends.
And now... Christmas!!!! I put off almost all Christmas preparations until after our trip. It seemed like a good idea at the time. (No, I have no idea why.) But it hit me on Monday that there are less than 3 weeks left until Christmas. Three weeks. In which we need to purchase, set up, and decorate a Christmas tree as well as decorate the rest of the apartment. Take a Christmas-y family photo and order and then address/mail Christmas cards. Finish making all presents for my family. (This was actually my idea: that we would make small presents for each other this year. It was a great idea too - except for the part where we decided to make presents for EVERYONE in the family instead of drawing names like last year. I've now calculated that I have enough free time to spend exactly one hour on each present in order to get them wrapped and in the mail in time for Christmas Day. Welcome to here's-a-bookmark-with-Eden's-face-on-it-which-you-must-love-and-cherish-forever-because-it-has-Eden's-face-on-it. Thus it is perfect. No complaining.)
Sooooo, guess I should wrap up this little blog post and start cracking on some bookmarks. (Side note to my dear, sweet family: please act surprised about the bookmarks*. Thank you.)
And, to those of you who responded to my bloggy comments about feeling down lately and my worries regarding the possibility of Depression, The Return: thank you. I really, really mean it - thank you. Your e-mails and encouragement and just all-around loveliness are good for my soul. Right now we are sticking with the old-fashioned remedies of more sleep, quality time with friends and family, and a determined attempt at positive thinking** (a.k.a. counting my blessings). This Eeyore is not the best at the last method, but this may also be one of those times where the effort really does count for a whole lot. Other than that, we are just taking it one day at a time. And honestly? So far, so good. I won't say that I'm feeling all better, but I'm not feeling any worse either. And I'm grateful for that. So, thank you! Again!
The baby is sleeping and the dishes await - good evening all!
*No, you are not really getting bookmarks. You are getting something much cooler and more thoughtful. As soon as I figure out what that is. And make it. In one hour.
**Late addition to the list: more eggnog. This is definitely essential.
Things have been really busy around here.
Ahhhh. Okay, I feel better. Meanwhile, all of you out there are probably smacking yourselves in the head and thinking, "Are you kidding me?? Hello! It's December! That statement also accurately describes the week of every other human being on the face of the planet."
And really, do we even need December for an excuse? When are things ever not busy?
But I have no intentions of using this blog post for a philosophical reflection on the ever increasing pace of life (except to say, "It's all technology's fault! Also, we should get rid of phones. The End.") What I will use this post for is to catch you up on the goings-on of our family over the last week.
First of all, Eden has been busy destroying the house multiple times a day. This is probably her favorite activity now, apart from trying to hug the cats (to death) and pointing out the fact that she has a nose. (And mama has a nose! And daddy! And the cats! Look mama, nose! Nose, nose, nose!! Also, please bend down so that I can stab you in the nose with my sticky index finger.)
Here are a few images from a recent episode of Destroying the House (version Thursday morning, 9:02 am):
The other big news from the past week is that we went on a retreat with Christian Assembly Friday evening through Sunday morning. The retreat was in Forest Falls, California, at Forest Home - the same place where we've been twice before with retreats for Peter's school. (See here and here.) The speaker for this retreat was Tony Campolo. He was great. Think cantankerous old man with a passion for social justice and the poor. A very engaging and funny speaker with a knack for making challenging statements and starting controversy. He definitely made me stop and think about my life and whether or not I'm living up to what I say I believe. For that (and all the funny stories), I really appreciated the chance to hear him.
I think this was our best trip yet with Eden. We didn't get a ton of sleep the first night but did much better the second. She seemed to have a great time running around outside and playing with the other kids. And even the car rides to the retreat center and home were largely tantrum-free. Overall, it was a fantastic weekend to be together as a family, enjoy the mountains, and spend time with friends.
And now... Christmas!!!! I put off almost all Christmas preparations until after our trip. It seemed like a good idea at the time. (No, I have no idea why.) But it hit me on Monday that there are less than 3 weeks left until Christmas. Three weeks. In which we need to purchase, set up, and decorate a Christmas tree as well as decorate the rest of the apartment. Take a Christmas-y family photo and order and then address/mail Christmas cards. Finish making all presents for my family. (This was actually my idea: that we would make small presents for each other this year. It was a great idea too - except for the part where we decided to make presents for EVERYONE in the family instead of drawing names like last year. I've now calculated that I have enough free time to spend exactly one hour on each present in order to get them wrapped and in the mail in time for Christmas Day. Welcome to here's-a-bookmark-with-Eden's-face-on-it-which-you-must-love-and-cherish-forever-because-it-has-Eden's-face-on-it. Thus it is perfect. No complaining.)
Sooooo, guess I should wrap up this little blog post and start cracking on some bookmarks. (Side note to my dear, sweet family: please act surprised about the bookmarks*. Thank you.)
And, to those of you who responded to my bloggy comments about feeling down lately and my worries regarding the possibility of Depression, The Return: thank you. I really, really mean it - thank you. Your e-mails and encouragement and just all-around loveliness are good for my soul. Right now we are sticking with the old-fashioned remedies of more sleep, quality time with friends and family, and a determined attempt at positive thinking** (a.k.a. counting my blessings). This Eeyore is not the best at the last method, but this may also be one of those times where the effort really does count for a whole lot. Other than that, we are just taking it one day at a time. And honestly? So far, so good. I won't say that I'm feeling all better, but I'm not feeling any worse either. And I'm grateful for that. So, thank you! Again!
The baby is sleeping and the dishes await - good evening all!
*No, you are not really getting bookmarks. You are getting something much cooler and more thoughtful. As soon as I figure out what that is. And make it. In one hour.
**Late addition to the list: more eggnog. This is definitely essential.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Testing, Testing
Hello?
Is anyone out there? Did the great blog migration of 2009 conclude successfully or am I now writing into a void? Truth be told, when I compose my posts I often feel like I'm writing into a void - and I actually kind of like it that way. It gives the process that cathartic "dear diary" feeling. I just always have to go back and make sure that I didn't write anything too embarrassing before I publish the post. I figure if what I write passes the mom-check and boss-check, I'm golden.
So, I changed the blog name, url, and a little bit of the layout. What do you think? For those of you who normally read your blog posts like I do - straight from Google Reader - things might look pretty different from the last time you visited "in-person." I'm not too certain about the colors honestly - they seem a bit garish to me sometimes. But I also wanted something a little fun and upbeat. Plus, I can always change it later. (If you all hate it, let me know and that later can be a little sooner.)
I decided to change the name for a few basic reasons: 1) I'm starting a new chapter in my life which I'm partially celebrating (and recording) through renewed blogging endeavors, and I think new chapter+renewed blog=new blog name, 2) I decided I'd rather have a title that's a bit more anonymous, and 3) the old title was boring. I'm not the best at coming up with creative names though so I just scribbled down ideas as they came to me over a few days and then had Peter, and my friend Megan, give me feedback on what they liked best.
The chosen title comes from a favorite e.e. cummings quote, "The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful." Now, you should know, poetry and poets are one of the greatest mysteries on earth to me. Seriously. I never understand poetry. And poets seem even more incomprehensible to me most of the time. Their brains just work in very different ways or something, I don't know. I mention this because I have no idea what mr. e.e. cummings really meant by his quote. It probably has some secret genius significance or symbolism that went right over my head. And that's fine. Because I've developed a very egocentric approach to poetry (and with all other art): in my opinion, at the end of the day, all that matters is what it means to me.
I am a person who looks at the world and sees a lot of mud and puddles. I like to say that I'm like Eeyore. (Peter says I'm really a mix of Eeyore, Rabbit, and Piglet, but Eeyore is lovable in his gloominess while Rabbit and Piglet are basically basket-cases most of the time, so I think I'll just stick with Eeyore, thank-you-very-much.) I will never be an optimist. It's just not in my nature. But all the same, I have a certain fascination with optimism. And hope - dear, sweet, precious, hope - is one of my favorite forms of grace. So while I'm okay with my mud puddle tendencies (well, some of the time), I truly want to be a person who sees beauty and joy and hope in the world around me too. This world is not as it should be, not as it was meant to be, but there is still a glory in it - not just in the mountains and stars, but also in the mud and the puddles. And that's where I am most of the time, down here in the dust and the dirt and the mud and the puddles. And I just don't want to miss the wonder of it.
Is anyone out there? Did the great blog migration of 2009 conclude successfully or am I now writing into a void? Truth be told, when I compose my posts I often feel like I'm writing into a void - and I actually kind of like it that way. It gives the process that cathartic "dear diary" feeling. I just always have to go back and make sure that I didn't write anything too embarrassing before I publish the post. I figure if what I write passes the mom-check and boss-check, I'm golden.
So, I changed the blog name, url, and a little bit of the layout. What do you think? For those of you who normally read your blog posts like I do - straight from Google Reader - things might look pretty different from the last time you visited "in-person." I'm not too certain about the colors honestly - they seem a bit garish to me sometimes. But I also wanted something a little fun and upbeat. Plus, I can always change it later. (If you all hate it, let me know and that later can be a little sooner.)
I decided to change the name for a few basic reasons: 1) I'm starting a new chapter in my life which I'm partially celebrating (and recording) through renewed blogging endeavors, and I think new chapter+renewed blog=new blog name, 2) I decided I'd rather have a title that's a bit more anonymous, and 3) the old title was boring. I'm not the best at coming up with creative names though so I just scribbled down ideas as they came to me over a few days and then had Peter, and my friend Megan, give me feedback on what they liked best.
The chosen title comes from a favorite e.e. cummings quote, "The world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful." Now, you should know, poetry and poets are one of the greatest mysteries on earth to me. Seriously. I never understand poetry. And poets seem even more incomprehensible to me most of the time. Their brains just work in very different ways or something, I don't know. I mention this because I have no idea what mr. e.e. cummings really meant by his quote. It probably has some secret genius significance or symbolism that went right over my head. And that's fine. Because I've developed a very egocentric approach to poetry (and with all other art): in my opinion, at the end of the day, all that matters is what it means to me.
I am a person who looks at the world and sees a lot of mud and puddles. I like to say that I'm like Eeyore. (Peter says I'm really a mix of Eeyore, Rabbit, and Piglet, but Eeyore is lovable in his gloominess while Rabbit and Piglet are basically basket-cases most of the time, so I think I'll just stick with Eeyore, thank-you-very-much.) I will never be an optimist. It's just not in my nature. But all the same, I have a certain fascination with optimism. And hope - dear, sweet, precious, hope - is one of my favorite forms of grace. So while I'm okay with my mud puddle tendencies (well, some of the time), I truly want to be a person who sees beauty and joy and hope in the world around me too. This world is not as it should be, not as it was meant to be, but there is still a glory in it - not just in the mountains and stars, but also in the mud and the puddles. And that's where I am most of the time, down here in the dust and the dirt and the mud and the puddles. And I just don't want to miss the wonder of it.
Friday, September 12, 2008
Fear
So I've been thinking lately about how big of an issue fear is in my life.
I've mentioned several times recently how much I worry about Eden, and although that's sort of gotten a little better - mostly just because I'm a little more used to my role as a parent - it's still a very big problem for me. In fact, I was just telling Peter recently that I feel kind of angry about how much of the joy of these first few weeks of our daughter's life has been eaten up by all my stress and worrying. I guess in a way part of all this fear and doubt and anxiety can be blamed on the miscarriage. I still very much feel the pain of that loss (just thinking of it now brings tears to my eyes), and I suppose the experience has made me somewhat hyper-vigilant about anything that might cause similar loss and pain in the future. But the truth is, at the end of the day, I know it's just plain ol' fear stealing my joy and peace regardless of what face it wears.
I'm pretty familiar with fear actually - I've been a worrier all my life, I think, and have had some pretty serious struggles with stress and anxiety since high school at least, maybe junior high. And at the moment I'm kind of mad because I'm 29 years old now, and I'm still bearing the same weight on my shoulders - constantly worrying about everything. Part of what attracted me to Peter is his ability to not worry and not stress about things, but the truth is I envy him sometimes. I really, really, really want to not be a worrier. I want to just enjoy this time with my daughter. I want to just enjoy this time in my life period. And as a Christian, I know I'm supposed to be free from fear. I mean "don't be afraid" and "don't worry" are pretty common commands in the Bible. But in all honesty, right at this moment I'm so frustrated because I know I'm not supposed to be afraid or worry, and I don't want to be afraid, and yet that's exactly what I keep on doing all the time, and I have no idea how to be any different. All I know right now is that it isn't a matter of wanting or trying because I've got a lot of that under my belt and it hasn't done much good. (For crying out loud, I led a Bible study on overcoming fear in college - what on earth made me think I was qualified for that?)
Anyway, this post isn't actually going anywhere because I don't have a conclusion for it at the moment. That's kind of the point really - a conclusion to the fear and worry is very much what I'm looking for, and right at the moment, I'm just wondering if it's even possible.
I've mentioned several times recently how much I worry about Eden, and although that's sort of gotten a little better - mostly just because I'm a little more used to my role as a parent - it's still a very big problem for me. In fact, I was just telling Peter recently that I feel kind of angry about how much of the joy of these first few weeks of our daughter's life has been eaten up by all my stress and worrying. I guess in a way part of all this fear and doubt and anxiety can be blamed on the miscarriage. I still very much feel the pain of that loss (just thinking of it now brings tears to my eyes), and I suppose the experience has made me somewhat hyper-vigilant about anything that might cause similar loss and pain in the future. But the truth is, at the end of the day, I know it's just plain ol' fear stealing my joy and peace regardless of what face it wears.
I'm pretty familiar with fear actually - I've been a worrier all my life, I think, and have had some pretty serious struggles with stress and anxiety since high school at least, maybe junior high. And at the moment I'm kind of mad because I'm 29 years old now, and I'm still bearing the same weight on my shoulders - constantly worrying about everything. Part of what attracted me to Peter is his ability to not worry and not stress about things, but the truth is I envy him sometimes. I really, really, really want to not be a worrier. I want to just enjoy this time with my daughter. I want to just enjoy this time in my life period. And as a Christian, I know I'm supposed to be free from fear. I mean "don't be afraid" and "don't worry" are pretty common commands in the Bible. But in all honesty, right at this moment I'm so frustrated because I know I'm not supposed to be afraid or worry, and I don't want to be afraid, and yet that's exactly what I keep on doing all the time, and I have no idea how to be any different. All I know right now is that it isn't a matter of wanting or trying because I've got a lot of that under my belt and it hasn't done much good. (For crying out loud, I led a Bible study on overcoming fear in college - what on earth made me think I was qualified for that?)
Anyway, this post isn't actually going anywhere because I don't have a conclusion for it at the moment. That's kind of the point really - a conclusion to the fear and worry is very much what I'm looking for, and right at the moment, I'm just wondering if it's even possible.
Friday, August 29, 2008
The Week In Review
Here's our latest stats:
- 3 - number of times Eden has thrown up on me this week (according to our pediatrician she's a "happy spitter"). This kid's first chore is going to be laundry.
- 1 - number of leaky diapers (but it was on Peter this time - way to go, baby!!)
- 28 - number of days it took for Eden's umbilical cord stump to fall off (it fell off yesterday - I was beginning to wonder...)
- 16 - number of ounces Eden has gained in the last 2 weeks
- 2 - number of treats required to lure Sheba and Pudge out from under the crib this morning (their new favorite place to sleep)
- 1,378,902 - approximate number of times I've worried about something today alone probably (still working on this, people)
- 0 - number of new pictures posted to this blog (so sorry, I have new pictures and video but they're all still on the camera)
- 1 - how many months old Eden is today (congratulations, baby!)
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