So I've been thinking lately about how big of an issue fear is in my life.
I've mentioned several times recently how much I worry about Eden, and although that's sort of gotten a little better - mostly just because I'm a little more used to my role as a parent - it's still a very big problem for me. In fact, I was just telling Peter recently that I feel kind of angry about how much of the joy of these first few weeks of our daughter's life has been eaten up by all my stress and worrying. I guess in a way part of all this fear and doubt and anxiety can be blamed on the miscarriage. I still very much feel the pain of that loss (just thinking of it now brings tears to my eyes), and I suppose the experience has made me somewhat hyper-vigilant about anything that might cause similar loss and pain in the future. But the truth is, at the end of the day, I know it's just plain ol' fear stealing my joy and peace regardless of what face it wears.
I'm pretty familiar with fear actually - I've been a worrier all my life, I think, and have had some pretty serious struggles with stress and anxiety since high school at least, maybe junior high. And at the moment I'm kind of mad because I'm 29 years old now, and I'm still bearing the same weight on my shoulders - constantly worrying about everything. Part of what attracted me to Peter is his ability to not worry and not stress about things, but the truth is I envy him sometimes. I really, really, really want to not be a worrier. I want to just enjoy this time with my daughter. I want to just enjoy this time in my life period. And as a Christian, I know I'm supposed to be free from fear. I mean "don't be afraid" and "don't worry" are pretty common commands in the Bible. But in all honesty, right at this moment I'm so frustrated because I know I'm not supposed to be afraid or worry, and I don't want to be afraid, and yet that's exactly what I keep on doing all the time, and I have no idea how to be any different. All I know right now is that it isn't a matter of wanting or trying because I've got a lot of that under my belt and it hasn't done much good. (For crying out loud, I led a Bible study on overcoming fear in college - what on earth made me think I was qualified for that?)
Anyway, this post isn't actually going anywhere because I don't have a conclusion for it at the moment. That's kind of the point really - a conclusion to the fear and worry is very much what I'm looking for, and right at the moment, I'm just wondering if it's even possible.
10 comments:
Thanks for sharing, wish I had some word of encouragement or something.
As a fellow mom, let me just say that you're not alone. I remember constantly worrying when Isaac was born. The only thing I can say is that it will get better, that God is faithful, and by the time you have #2 you'll feel like an old pro. I'm praying for you guys!
Love, Angie
I struggle with fear as well, panic attacks really. A book that I found really helped me was Battlefield of the Mind by Joyce Meyer, her other book The Confident Woman is good as well. I have had the same struggle with what the Bible says about fear, how do we turn it off? If I ever figure it out, I'll be sure to let you know.
Hi Katie! It's so great to "find you" again! :) I just found your blog (via your facebook profile) and as a soon first time mom-to-be (November) it was so encouraging to read your post. I wish I had some words of encouragement to offer, but I am so thankful for your honest sharing and I hope it encourages you to know you are not alone in your struggle to give all things into HIS capable hands!
Worry and fear have been things I have struggled with a lot of my life, and I have found that I must be honest in that struggle and continue to go back to what I know to be true... regardless of how I "feel". Breaking Free by Beth Moore was pretty phenomenal for me during college... and I have a "hard back book" edition related to that called "Praying God's Word: Breaking Free from Spiritual Strongholds" that has some specific scriptures I look back to from time to time when I am struggling... with all sorts of things that would want to become strongholds! While it does not specifically address "fear" alone... I think it is a pretty valuable book to look at the ways the enemy will try to entrap us with things we already struggle with.
Your daughter is beautiful! I'll be praying for you as you continue on this leg of your life's journey! How exciting!
Angela (Wright) Sweeny
awsweeny@hotmail.com
Stephanie- you must think I am such a dork. I saw Katie's picture on top of these comments and got confused apparently... I am so glad to find YOU and I still remember who YOU are! :) OH, please forgive me!
Hi Angela!
No worries - I totally understand! It actually gave me a nice chuckle for the day. It's good to hear from you again. Congratulations on the baby news!
Hey Stephanie! First-your daughter is Beautiful! Second-I absolutely remember that Bible Study on Fear...and I remember being really encouraged by one story you shared in particular. I don't remember all the details, but something about a little girl on a train ride with her father & he wouldn't give her the ticket until it was time (in case she lost it, etc.) I remember being really impacted by that story & have remembered it often through these past years. Do you remember where that story came from? Its been a good reminder for me that no matter what I'm "feeling" God is there & unchanging & gracious with us. :)
Sorry, didn't mean to be so anonymous there.... It's Beth (Rozier) West from CCF. :)
Hi Beth! Thanks so much for reminding me of that story - it's one of my favorites, but I haven't thought of it lately. It's from The Hiding Place by Corrie Ten Boom. I went and looked it up, here is the end of it:
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Corrie has just gone with her mother to visit a young woman whose baby has died. Her first experience with death fills her with fear as she realizes that one day her father and mother and siblings will die too. That night as her father comes to tuck her in, she bursts into tears, and her sister tells her father what happened. Her father responds:
"Corrie,when you and I go to Amsterdam - when do I give you your ticket?"
I sniffed a few times, considering this.
"Why, just before we get on the train."
"Exactly. And our wise Father in heaven knows when we're going to need things too. Don't run out ahead of Him, Corrie. When the time comes that some of us will have to die, you will look into your heart and find the strength you need - just in time."
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Such a good book! I highly recommend it to anyone. I learned more about what it means to be a Christian from this book than any "Christian living" book I've ever read. Thanks again, Beth!
Oh, Of course! The Hiding Place is one of my absolute favorites. I had forgotten it was in there. Perhaps its time for me to read it again. :) Blessings on you, Stephanie, as you grow into motherhood...and thanks for sharing your thoughts with us. :)
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