This Post Is Brought To You By, The One and Only, Eden-Skeden

Today We Present: A Few of Eden's Favorite Things

Wearing mama's headbands:

Her bead "necklace":

Throwing anything (blankets, clothes from the hamper, paper bags, sheets) over her head and walking around until she runs into something:

Balloons! (Eden has seen balloons everywhere and always points them out, but has never had one of her own. A few days ago we stopped at Trader Joe's and the checkout clerk handed her one - she didn't want to let go of it for the rest of the day.)
(The next morning, Eden immediately found her now not-so-gravity-defying balloon and continued to clutch it for the rest of the day. And then Pudge popped it after she went to sleep that night.)

Planes! Helicopters! Anything that flies and makes a noise! (She's pointing at one in the below photo.)

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!! May you have a wonderful day with those you love and hopefully at least a few "favorite things" of your own!

Thanksgivingfull

Let's see... where to begin. Oh, I might as well just lay it all out for you.

Prepare yourselves. This will be likely be long and tangenty and quite possibly ultimately unreadable.

Several years ago, back in 2004? 2005?, I went through a pretty rough depression. (Well, I should say, we went through a pretty rough depression. Peter might not have felt all of the same emotions, but he definitely still paid a lot of the cost.) We had been living in California for a couple of years at that point. Our "adventure" to the West Coast wasn't going quite like I'd planned. As it turns out, change is hard. And I was reeling from a lot of change - we'd left our family, most of our friends, a rural Midwestern culture, relative financial stability, and a lot of preconceived notions about marriage and God and purpose and probably a host of other things behind us. I was working in a job that I disliked and only accepted in a fit of anger and bitterness since it seemed like a last resort against complete financial implosion. It wasn't a good fit for me. I wasn't very good at it and was exhausted from trying to pretend that I was good at it or that I EVEN CARED about any of it at all. Peter was busy with school and internships and jobs and had an entirely separate community of friends from my own. I was tired and disillusioned and disappointed and miserable. And somewhere in the middle of it I lost the ability to see any part of my life or my future or especially myself with any perspective. Life was gray, tedious, tiresome. And I just wanted it to be over.

And man, it really was that bad. It might even have been a little worse.

Somewhere, somehow in the middle of all that mess - I don't know. I don't even know how to explain it. I got to the end of myself? And gave up? And then discovered that hey - there's Something bigger than me out there? And It's been sustaining me all along even when I thought I was holding myself together through a last desperate clutching of my own despairing will?

Even now, I keep starting sentences and then erasing them because I can't think of a way to explain how I got out of that pit. I know pieces of it. Peter loved me determinedly, relentlessly, unconditionally and slowly convinced me to talk to a counselor (I would only go if he came too), to at least consider seeing a doctor (I flatly refused for over a year), to do whatever it took to get healthy again. (And it took quitting my job while he was still in seminary, and I was the main source of income.) I also received love, support, and prayers from friends. Eventually, I abandoned my stubbornness (because really, what had it done for me?) and agreed to try some medication. And that helped. A lot. It didn't solve everything or "fix" me, but it stopped the freefall of my emotions and cleared my head enough so that I could make a grasp at some perspective, begin to separate truth from lies, and make the choices and changes that I needed to make. And I know for sure that in all these things, the Love and Grace of a God whom I had turned and walked away from because He didn't seem trustworthy, gripped me, surrounded me, patiently kept my head above water even as I was trying to drown, and then, when I finally gave up, ever so slowly and gently lifted me up and set my feet on dry, solid ground. And I know He did it not because I was so great but just because He loved me. Loves me.

***

There is a song that I've been listening to and thinking about for awhile. It's "What Sarah Said" by Death Cab for Cutie. If you haven't heard it before, I highly recommend that you find and listen to it sometime - it's a beautiful song. Here are the lyrics:

And it came to me then
That every plan is a tiny prayer to Father Time
As I stared at my shoes in the ICU
That reeked of piss and 409
And I rationed my breaths as I said to myself
That I'd already taken too much today
As each descending peak on the LCD
Took you a little farther away from me
Away from me

Amongst the vending machines and year-old magazines
In a place where we only say goodbye
It stung like a violent wind that our memories depend
On a faulty camera in our minds
But I knew that you were a truth
I would rather lose than to have never lain beside at all
And I looked around at all the eyes on the ground
As the TV entertained itself

'Cause there's no comfort in the waiting room
Just nervous paces bracing for bad news
Then the nurse comes around and everyone lifts their head
But I'm thinking of what Sarah said
That love is watching someone die

So who's going to watch you die
So who's going to watch you die
So who's going to watch you die

Anyway, like I said I've been thinking about this song a lot - about the truth of it - that love is watching someone die. And the thought that keeps coming back to me is that I've only watched one person die. And it was the hardest, most painful thing I've ever done. But what I can't get away from, what I can't stop thinking about, is that there is Someone who watches over every death. Every single one. From beginning to end, the famous, the lonely, and the forgotten. And He loves them all just like He loves me. More than I love my own child. And I've never even stopped to think about what that must cost Him.

***

This Thanksgiving I'm thankful for so many things. I really began this post with the intention of listing some of those things. I also meant to talk about how I've been feeling a bit low again lately, and how I've been afraid that I'm at the beginning of heading back down the path I described above, and the decisions that I'm trying to make about what to do about this, and the things that just this week have been disappointing and discouraging. And then I meant to write about all the good things that I have in my life that I'm so thankful for, and how also this week I've had opportunity to gain some perspective and realize just how blessed I really am. And despite the discouragement, I feel so hopeful.

Maybe I'll write more about those things later. Right now I just want to focus on being thankful for this one thing: for the Someone who loves all of us enough to be with us and watch over us as we die - in all the ways that we experience death - in our depression, or grief, or disappointment, or disillusionment - and ultimately, in our last breath. That alone is enough. My heart is full of thanksgiving.

Flashback Friday: Grandma Edition

My mom came out to visit earlier in the month. We had a lot of fun going to parks, cooking, eating (I especially enjoyed the eating), playing with Eden, and just generally hanging out. Despite bringing my camera with me everywhere (and dropping it on concrete at least twice), I only took photos on the last morning she was here. Of course. A few of those are posted below.

But first. In honor of Flashback Friday I present photos from the trip my mom made out here a few days after Eden was born in August 2008. (Although who that strange baby is on her lap, I cannot say. That cannot possibly be my child who only yesterday pushed a giant plastic car - containing a preschooler - around the park.)

My mom bought this pink dress for her granddaughter while I was still in high school. This woman plans ahead.

On the left here we have, Exhibit A: A woman who has clearly gone without sleep for 24 hours multiple times in the most recent week. Also a woman who will wear nothing but nursing tanks and sweat pants for the rest of the month.

And below we have, Exhibit B: Why grandmas are the bestest.


Thanks for being the bestest, Mom. We love and miss you!

Radiant World

Awhile ago I checked out a book of poetry by Victor Hugo from the library. I have only had time to read a few of the poems here and there, but one in particular really stood out to me and has been rattling around in my brain for some time.

Unfortunately, while Victor Hugo lived in the 19th century, many of his works of poetry have only been translated and published in English in recent years. So while the original poems might be part of the public domain (although I'm not sure if France has the same copyright rules in that regard), these recently published translations are definitely not. Thus, I can't legally copy the poem out for you here in this blog like I'd like to.

However, Google Books provides a nice (and I presume, legal) preview of the book which includes the poem, "Tonight in clouds the sun has gone to bed...." The text is bilingual, meaning that the original French is on the left page with the corresponding English translation on the right. So, if you follow the link, you actually have to find the beginning of the poem at the bottom of page 49, then skip page 50 (which is the rest of the original French), and read the end on the top of page 51.

Annnnd, if anyone can (or even wants to) actually follow all those complicated and ridiculous steps, I will be extremely impressed. But, moving on.

I find this poem very comforting, perhaps bizarrely so. I suppose in some ways it can be a bit melancholy to be reminded of the transience of our lives. But I spend so much of my day worrying and fretting over really pointless, insignificant things. I agonize over decisions that seem momentous. Deep down, even I know that most of them won't matter in a year or two. Very, very few have a lifelong impact. And really, what even is that? My lifetime. Of such great importance to me. But just a blip in the span of time. I want to make the most of my life. And I try very, very hard to that end. Mostly though..., I fail. What a relief it is to know that my worries, and successes, and failures do not hold this world up.

This whole radiant world. I am so thankful for it.

In Which Eden Possibly Assumes the Role of a Small, Furry Rodent

The other day I took Eden for a quick trip to the grocery store. She had recently eaten breakfast, but I still gave her a snack right before we left just to be safe. She told me that she was hungry while we were in the store, so I gave her another snack. Then, as I was buckling her in her car seat to go home, she told me that she was hungry again. At this point we were out of snacks so I told her I would give her something to eat when we got home.

We drove the 5-10 minutes it takes between our house and the store, and I unbuckled Eden and carried her and the few bags of groceries into the house. Since it was just a few items and since most of those items needed to be refrigerated, I decided to quickly put everything away before fixing her another bite to eat. She came over and started digging in the bags with me, which I thought was cute. She's been really mimicking some of my behaviors lately - trying to sweep the floor with a broom that's 3 times her size, using the lint roller on her clothes, brushing her hair, etc.

Apparently this time however, she was actually foraging for food.


So, have I mentioned that Eden really likes cheese?

Hurray for Halloween

Sorry I haven't been posting lately. My mom was in town for a week, and I've been slow at getting back into my routine and checking projects off the ol' to-do list. I've got a lot to share though. (I think anyway. So many little events and thoughts happen throughout my day that make me feel like, "Hey, I wish I could blog this." But it is so difficult to find the time. Mostly, because I am slow. But also because there always seem to be a thousand other tasks screaming for my attention all the time.)

Anyway, for those of you not on facebook, I've posted photos from Halloween below. We really had fun at the Sierra Madre Halloween Festival - Eden never quite caught on to the concept of trick-or-treating, but she loved the crowd, and the kids, and the excitement, and the candy. She had a GREAT time. And while she didn't want to stand still for us to put her costume on, once she was in it she didn't complain once. In fact, she wore it for the rest of the evening until we took her home at bedtime. I was immensely pleased with the evening - it was both fun and relaxing - how you hope all planned family activities will go.

And we're off!

Eden has always been a bit of a serious child - to the point that I would actually worry about it sometimes (not that that is saying much). But now I love that face! LOVE it! It's just who she is. And it makes me want to eat her up. :)

"I really can't be bothered with this right now..." take two.

For some reason at first, I wasn't sure she would get the concept of a sucker. Then she stuck it in her mouth with the wrapper on so we thought, what the heck, let her have a go. She got the concept just fine.

Officially having a blast.

This is my favorite photo from the night. (That's Shanelle - who had just returned from her honeymoon in Europe.)

One of those moments that you always hoped having kids would feel like. If that makes sense.

Was there ever a cuter butterfly than this?

More to come soon!