I am so sorry that I haven't posted to this blog for awhile. I always knew I'd never be the daily posting type, but I was hoping to have at least a weekly update. And now it's been a month... Well, all I can say is that I started this blog to post news about the baby, and since she's not technically here yet, everything so far has really just been a warm-up! Or something like that.
Speaking of baby, did I mention she's not here yet? I'm not sure how I feel about this. In a way I don't feel ready at all - I tried to swaddle a stuffed animal this morning and failed miserably (and I tried about 5 times). So much for that Baby Care Basics class we took. I also would love more time to get more stuff done around the house. The nursery is functionally ready, but not really decorated yet, etc.
On the other hand, people are starting to stare at me wherever I go. I am generally feeling awkward and uncomfortable on a daily basis - almost like my body isn't my body - at least not the one I've known for almost the last 3 decades. I keep dropping things. When I get out bed, my legs feel like they might just snap off. (Seriously, no one told me that at the end of pregnancy your legs might feel like they're just going to break off completely from your hips at any moment. I feel like the Barbie dolls that my brother and I used to use as test dummies for random experiments until they're appendages started to come off on a regular basis. What is that?) I only have two more days of work (yaaaayyyyyyyy!!), but school is running me into the ground. (My professor will give me an Incomplete when I go into labor, but I really want the Incomplete now so that I can have at least some time to rest and appreciate the last few weeks/days of life as just a couple instead of working to 1:30 in the morning like I've done lately.) So in a way I want the baby to come as soon as possible. But then I feel really selfish for wanting our daughter to be born just so I can get out of school or avoid some of the more uncomfortable physical aspects of pregnancy.
The truth is I can't wait to meet her, and I'm terrified at the same time.
Peter is extremely excited which is so cute and always gets me feeling super enthusiastic and ready. But when he goes to work and it's just me in the house with the homework and the to-do list and the Barbie doll legs, I start to wonder. What have I done? Am I ready for this? Is this kid even going to like me? Dr. Phil says that kids are just blank slates that we write on for better or worse. I'm pretty confident that I have no business writing on anyone's slate. I guess this whole pregnancy has been like the beginning of the roller coaster where you're slowly chugging up the hill for the first big drop - and now I've reached those last few moments where we're really high up, and the anticipation is overwhelming, and I can see the drop off that's just ahead - and from up here it looks like the edge of the world. And panic is setting in. And the only thing keeping me from screaming my head off and begging to be let off is the increasingly meaningless idea that I'm supposedly an adult and am too cool and mature for all that.
And then the baby kicks or something, and I just can't wait to see her face to face and find out exactly who this new little person is whose soul and body have been knit together by the hand of God.
So yeah, baby isn't here yet. And I'm not sure how I feel about that.
2 comments:
You express it all so well. Longing to hold your little one but at the same time the terror of knowing you can and will make some big mistakes. Thank God for God!! He's in charge just as your Exodus study reminded you. Isn't that wonderful.
Stephanie, you are going to be such a great Mom, it is so funny to listen to you worry. I can guarantee you that you will screw up, and that your baby girl will have to forgive you lots of times, but I can also guarantee you that she will just want to know you and be known by you way more than she will want you to be a perfect mom. How will she learn to screw up if she doesn't have an example...No, Seriously, I appreciate your heartfelt writing, and just want to let you know that you are going to be a great mom (and I don't just tell people that, there are definitely people who aren't great moms).
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