These aren't pretty. Read at your own risk.
Since going back to work I usually get about 5 hours of sleep a night in 2 and 3 hour stretches. When people who know I have a baby ask how much sleep I'm getting and I tell them, they almost always comment on how good that is. True confession: I want to smack these people. I realize that it could be much worse. I personally know a lot of moms who have it much worse. In fact, I know a lot of people period who for various reasons only get that much sleep (or less) on a regular basis. But I feel terrible - physically, mentally, emotionally. Constantly. Is that really so great? Yes, it could be worse, and I'm very glad it's not. Yes, sleep deprivation is a well-known aspect of motherhood which I freely chose. And yes, it is absolutely, completely, 100% worth it, to get to be a mom. But to me, five hours of sleep is a burden that I continuously struggle to bear the best I can. And being congratulated on it is salt in the wound.
When I was a teenager I had to give my dog away because I couldn't take care of her well. (We rented our house and weren't allowed to have pets inside - and she was a breed of dog which needed a lot of attention and exercise which I was too busy to give her.) I still feel a ton of regret about that situation, and when I married Peter I told him we would NEVER get pets unless we were willing and able to take care of them no matter what for their entire lives. True confession: despite all that, I would probably give my two cats away today if I knew I could find them a good home. I love my cats. They have great personalities, and have brought us a lot of joy. And we've stuck firmly to our commitment to care for them: even when we moved to California and almost couldn't find an apartment that we could afford that would allow pets, and even when their food issues have meant regular loss of sleep. (They are big time over-eaters and will come wake me up very early every morning, basically begging for food.) But this morning, after they woke me up at 4:11 am and kept me awake until Eden woke up at 6:00 am, I reached a breaking point. Despite all my values and guilt and good intentions, I CANNOT take it anymore. I just don't have the reserves to care for them on top of everything else. And it's not their fault. And it's not fair. But they are currently at the bottom of my list of responsibilities and priorities, and I feel like something's got to give.
I just spent thousands of dollars getting a master's degree in a profession that's all about helping people. True confession: More often than not (and especially in the last year or two), I'm not sure I actually like helping people. I'm not sure I'm good at it either. I see others in my profession who are passionate about public service. They always seem to be patient and non-judgmental. They are great advocates for their patrons. But many of the people who come in to the library every day are mean, rude, impatient, lazy, and self-centered, and more and more it irks me to help them. I honestly don't know what to do about this. I don't know how to regain the positive and helpful attitude I had when I started my career.
While I'm sitting here typing this, the trashcan, sink, and Diaper Champ are overflowing. My microwave and kitchen counters are downright crusty. The bed is unmade. I get frustrated at my family for contributing to the above circumstances. I am jealous of moms who seem to be able to stay on top of all these things (and cook real dinners, and exercise, and spend time with friends). But I also assume that they must have some advantage that I don't (and I'm even more jealous of that advantage). I think I assume this just because it makes me feel less like a failure. Feel free to pick out the true confession of your choice there. :)
I'm sorry this post is such a downer. But let's be honest, if you know me at all you know I'm not exactly a happy-go-lucky personality - I'm much, much more of an Eeyore than a Tigger or Pooh. (Surprisingly, people - like many of you! - still choose to be my friend. Thanks for that! It means a lot to me.) If I was to list a last true confession I might make it that I can't decide if a tendency toward pessimism and Eeyore-ness is actually a bad thing. It's not a useful thing, for sure. I'm generally better off when I work at being positive and optimistic. But I can't decide if it's an actual flaw to be ruthlessly rooted out or just an amoral personality trait to accept without personal condemnation or judgment. The sticking point to me is this - the vast majority of people I know who are happy-go-lucky and generally optimistic, don't actually seem to work at it - it just comes naturally, like a tendency toward gregariousness or even athleticism. Where's the merit in that? I'm glad that they have traits that probably make life easier, but I'm not sure those traits could actually be considered virtues. Thus, I'm not sure it's accurate to label the opposite traits as flaws. But then again, I can also think of arguments for the reverse. So, I can never fully decide. If you have an opinion on this, feel free to leave a comment, because it's a topic I find rather curious.
And that's enough confessing for today. :)
7 comments:
thought 1- i think we all need a little eyeore and a little tigger and a little pooh - they all have their moments to aid us in whatever situation we're in. and i think your natural disposition is less important than how you decide to respond to what you're facing.
thought 2- don't judge yourself too harshly about the cats. no one could have convinced me i'd come to the point of giving away our cats, but i did, not for the same exact reasons, but in general because i felt like something had to give, and it was going to be the cats (plus moving the dog outside) or some degree of my mental health. i chose the cats, and while i do feel guilt at times about feeling the need to make that decision, i know i made the right one for me and my family, and would not undo it if i had the chance.
I really enjoy your honesty.
This is probably not a good thing, but the people who are consistently optimistic and happy-go-lucky generally strike me as people who lack depth. This is not always the case, I'm sure, but I feel like it is impossible to be perpetually optimistic if you are viewing life honestly. We live in a fallen world that generally sucks a lot of the time. And I feel like we have an obligation as Christians to face this reality and absorb/emphasize with the pain that exists on earth. And when we do this, we are then called to work toward having joy in the Lord, but I think this should always be work. If it isn't, I don't know that we are truly engaged with reality.
If I am socially conscious and aware of the fact that children are dying right now as I type this sentence, is it really possible to be joyful without effort? I don't know that it is.
My mom is in town, and we were talking today about a friend who has stage 4 cancer. And there are some in her life that are determined to only think positive thoughts and refuse to believe anything but that she will be healed. I really don't think that is realistic, and I also don't think that's faith. Yes, God can heal. But he might not, and our false optimism isn't going to convince him one way or the other. Our belief in his power to heal, yet our acceptance of the possibility of Him not healing, is the kind of faith that I think he wants from us.
One of my favorite quotes from Lewis comes from the Screwtape Letters, where Screwtape writes, "Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken and still obeys." I think it is important that we are all brought to this point.
And so maybe the virtue is in the pessimist working to see the joy amidst the ruin in the universe, as well as the optimist working to see the ruin amidst the joy. Because the goal is to see the crap and still trust in the God who is working amidst it to bring about his Kingdom.
Sorry this is so long. I know I don't know you, like at all. But I like you and your thoughts a lot :)
Oh, and I could not survive well on 5 hours sleep. I would be a cranky, horrible person. And I would want to slap those people too.
I am really glad to hear that your sink is overflowing, because if I could think of one person in this world who wouldn't allow their sink to overflow, that might be you...no seriously, it will get better...
I think you are right about the optimistic attitude that people have, in that most people are generally bent toward it that have it. But I think some people are bent more toward order and discipline. It is a virtue, but I have begun to realize that I have to work harder at it than most...while the positive attitude generally comes easier for me. But in the end I can't do any of it on my own, so I am not sure either is a virtue, something to think about. Oh, and Rebecca (above) mentioned that the happy go lucky people lack depth. I find that true for myself. Dave has always tended more toward the eyeore side, and I know that he feels things much more acutely than I do. I am much more likely to just say, wow that sucks, and move on. I think that has good and bad points as well...but I probably shouldn't go into that.
I love that you are so honest too. It gives me a lot to think about.
And since I am allergic to cats...well, I won't say anything about them...
And I really stink on anything less than 7 hours of sleep. I start cutting things out if that doesn't happen, but I think that I also have a lazy selfish tendency, and I am not sure whether or not to recommend that route, so I am just telling you what I do.
I miss seeing you Stephanie, I am really hoping not to miss you next time you come through town.
I don't know you very well, Stephanie, but here's what I know about myself:
1. If I don't have 8-9 hours of sleep, I'm not happy. I can live on 7, but I will take no less, even if it means letting my kids cry at night when I should probably go comfort them (how's that for a confession?).
2. If I don't have sleep (are you seeing a theme here?), we are also less likely to have: clean clothes, dishes, floors, beds, diapers, etc., etc., etc.
3. I, too, thoroughly enjoyed my job (teaching) before having a baby (and then 2 babies). After having Hayden, I felt increasingly as though I spent my entire day "mothering" 125 students, and I didn't have anything left for my own family. I found myself saying things to my students like, "I don't have a pencil for you to use. I'm not your mother." How horrible that looks on paper! My sympathy/empathy/mercy slowly waned - and let's be honest - there wasn't a whole lot there in the first place, since I, too, tend to be an Eyeore.
4. After staying home with my boys for the past two school years, I don't feel as though I've "figured it out" so to speak. There are days when my heart's desire is just to get the toilets cleaned, and for one reason or another, that doesn't happen, and I have to sit down on a skank toilet at the end of the day. On those days, I feel like an utter failure as a mom, wife, woman, etc. Our plan right now is for me to go back to work this next school year (or whenever I get a job), and I admit that I am both looking forward to and dreading this. I really don't want to teach & deal with students' issues all day, but if I accept a lower paying job, am I wasting my degrees?
5. Here's the most important part that I've learned since becoming a mom 3.5 long years ago: no matter what you're thinking or feeling, you're never alone. Right now, I'm in a book group reading _She's Gonna Blow_ (which I highly recommend for angry, struggling moms), and I can't believe how many things I have in common with these other moms I assumed had it all together.
Wow - thanks everybody for your comments and/or e-mails! Sometimes I think I'm just sending a post out into the "void," and then I get wonderful feedback and encouragement like the above to remind me of all the great people that I'm fortunate enough to cross paths with at some point in this life. I found all of your thoughts and ideas really insightful and thought-provoking. I wish we could all sit around with a cup of coffee/tea/whatever and discuss these things as long as we wanted... but I'm so glad that I get to connect with you all in any way, shape, or form. Thanks again!
Hey Steph!
We're in Bangkok right now, so I can actually look at your blog. I love you so much. We all have such different circumstances to deal with -- but in the end it seems like we all end up dealing with at least a lot of the same emotions, if not the same core issues.
I too wish we could just sit down over coffee (and ice cream, and then a nice meal that someone else is cooking and cleaning up after, and then on our couch after our kids go to bed, and then the next morning over breakfast... one cup could never be enough!). So there's no way I could write all of my responses here. But the one thing I do want to say is this: "grace and peace to you". Life is hard and you are not being overly pessimistic - just honest. And I really, really love that about you. I really hope things get easier in your circumstances soon.
I also really hope that you will give yourself grace and freedom to just be you. Peter married you as "you" and we all became your friends as "you" and the Body of Christ needs YOU! You know God's faithfully and gently changing the things that He created in you but have gone a little (or a lot) sour b/c of sin and evil in the world. But I don't think He expects you to fuss a lot and try to figure out what parts are pleasing "virtues" and what parts are sin and what ever else might be somewhere in-between, unless He's made it clear in Scripture or has convicted you in some other clear way. You have enough going on; trust that God will take care of your refining process and just lean on Him for strength for the day. That is totally all we can do - and it gives us a better chance of hearing the still, quiet voice over our own self-condemnation, fears, worries, and other loud distractions from joy and peace in Christ. (Which, I hope is clear, has nothing to do with whether you are a Tigger or Eyore, or whether you feel happy or overwhelmed... I struggle with this paradox all the time and can't explain it, but I know it's true and need my friends to remind me all the time!)
And please, don't think you failed because you can't be superwoman who takes care of cats, housework, a baby, an emotionally demanding job, and a husband without sleeping or having any needs or desires of your own "getting in the way!"
Your honesty is so encouraging to me - reminds me that I'm not alone and that our struggles are common even though they all appear to be totally different! Thanks for posting. I'm smiling at you right now b/c I'm glad we're friends! And Eden is really, really cute.
Love,
Stacey
You are SO not alone in this list of "confessions."
1) Even IF a broken up 5 hours of sleep MIGHT be above average for a young mom, it still totally stinks. It makes her feel crummy, cranky and impairs optimal function both as an individual and a mom/wife.
2) Our poor dog is also near the bottom of the priorities list. He has the added unfortune of being or at least acting very low maintenance so it is even easier to neglect him. I get irrationally mad at him sometimes just for getting in my way when I am bringing in the groceries when he is just trying to show me love and be petted. I think it is easy to vent my frustrations on the dog because it is "safer" than letting Peter or Mat or myself have an earful. I am trying hard to be nicer because I don't want Peter to grow up thinking it is ok to treat animals poorly. I can't imagine how cranky I would be if Simon regularly woke me up in the wee hours, especially for something his own fault like overeating.
3) I think the "perfect mom comparison" I deal with now is a lot like the "perfect CCF member/leader" thing I dealt with in college. It is so hard to let myself believe that those people also have problems and shortcomings and might even be looking at me envious that I have it all together! There is a really strong Mormon group here at the med school and their wives all look like the perfect, thrilled-to-be-stay-at-home moms. Mat pointed out that you never see one of them alone, they travel in packs so they have lots of help and a pool of ideas and energy (instead of the superwoman way I am trying to do things).
So that's me trying to validate your feeligns, even if I have no solutions to give.
-Marbree
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