Funky Town

No Flashback Friday this week. I realized that I'm just not a prolific enough blogger to write more than one post a week on a regular basis, so if I try to do a Flashback post every Friday then pretty soon that's all my blog will be. So the Flashback Fridays will continue, but just on a periodic basis.

Peter had an unexpected day off work today. Mostly because he's been working non-stop with conferences and retreats and homecoming events, etc., etc. It's a very busy time of year for him. Even now, as he's sitting on the couch with me, he's reading a book to help prepare for the next unit in his Pastoral Theology class. I think he enjoys this book though - so I suppose that makes it seem less like work. (Have I ever mentioned that it's really cool to be married to a theologian? Because it is. I highly recommend it. Just make sure you get a good one.)

Peter slept in (a little bit - our definition of sleeping in has changed soooo much in the last year) and I got to take a late morning nap. Then, in the afternoon, we got a babysitter for Eden and went to see a movie. We saw Where The Wild Things Are. I enjoyed it although it didn't really seem like a kids movie to me too much. I think all the monsters in the movie would have benefited from a good therapy session actually. But still, I enjoyed the film overall, and it was fun to chat about it with Peter over some Panda Express in the mall food-court afterward. We drove home, played with the munchkin and then put her to bed, and now, as previously mentioned, we're enjoying some relaxation on the couch. And it's not even the weekend yet! Next up: the pumpkin patch. Probably on Sunday. There will be pictures.

This has been kind of a weird week. I've been in a funk. Part of that has been from being a little sleep-deprived. (The cats are at it again. They've started waking me up at 4:30 or 4:45 am because they want me to feed them, and they will harass me and keep me awake until that happens. If I feed them, then I feel like I'm just perpetuating this problem forever, but ignoring them also doesn't work. They will keep me awake until Eden wakes up at some point during the 5 o'clock hour - either because of the rough phase of teething she's been going through or because of the noise the cats are making. Oh - and if you are wondering why we just don't close the bedroom door to keep the cats out - it's because they'll make enough noise meowing and scratching at the door to wake me up anyway (I've become an especially light sleeper since Eden was born), and they are also much more likely to wake Eden up too, as her door is right next to ours. Anyway, if any of you all know a cat whisperer, please send him/her our way.) I'm still trying to figure out the rest of it.

Awhile ago a friend of mine asked how I was liking being a stay-at-home-mom (SAHM). I don't remember exactly how I replied, but it was definitely something positive. My friend then said something about being in the SAHM honeymoon period, and I wondered if that was true. Working full-time was torturous after Eden was born (because of me, not because of the job, just to be clear). Being able to stay home with her has been wonderful. Like Christmas vacation when you're a kid. That's not to say it has been easy. I've been oh so tired so much of the time. In addition to just always needing sleep, I've also found myself tired of the limitations of her schedule, of changing diapers, of trying to be eternally patient, and of trying to entertain a baby who sometimes is just in a funk herself. It's been really hard and anything but fun at times. BUT, being here with her, my heart has felt full. That's the only way I know to say it. When I was at work, things never felt settled, I always felt a bit out-of-sorts and discombobulated - even on the best days. At home, even when nothing's going right, I've felt like I'm where I'm supposed to be. You can take a lot of crap if you feel settled inside yourself.

Anyway, so being in a funk this week had me remembering my friend's words and wondering again if they were true. Had I just been in the SAHM honeymoon period up to this point? Had that worn off? Was this weird down feeling a sign of things to come? Would I soon feel as discontented and dissatisfied being at home as I felt at work? Was it just me??

When things finally fell in place for me to be able to stay home, I immediately made plans and set goals. (Naturally. Because this is how I deal with my world.) I decided that I wanted to approach the SAHM thing like a job in a way. I wanted to make the most of my time with Eden. I wanted to be the best mom and wife and home-manager. I didn't want to treat my time at home like one big long weekend where we stayed in our pajamas watching mindless television for hours on end, while the trash overflowed and dishes piled up in the sink. (Erm, not to say that our weekends before Eden were ever like that. In any way. Yeah....) I wanted to be productive. I wanted Eden to have lots of stimulating activities and fun experiences and just lots of good old-fashioned play time with mommy. I wanted to keep up on the household chores and shopping and cooking so that those things wouldn't pile up on us and become a stressful mountain of never-ending to-do-lists, constantly hanging over our heads like they often have been before (ESPECIALLY while I was doing the full-time job thing). I wanted to make a home that was warm and peaceful and the kind of place you'd want to spend time in, and come back to, and go to sleep in every night. So I made goals and signed up for storytime and playgroups and tried to get and stay organized.

But I've discovered that this approach also has its drawbacks. If all that I'm trying to do as a mom is my "job" - then when exactly do the work hours end? With this approach the line between "working" and "resting" gets blurred. I'm working from the moment I wake up till I go to bed some days. I might get a few minutes of lunch or an hour or two before bed to do my own thing, but generally I still try to fill that with something "productive," whether it's dishes or laundry or the budget, or even reading parenting books or posting pictures to this blog. I've stopped reading for fun, I watch less than an hour of television most weeks, and I find myself wondering, wait - when am I done? Can I have a lunch hour? What about a 15 minute break? CAN I AT LEAST HAVE A 15 MINUTE BREAK?? IT'S MANDATED BY LAW, PEOPLE.

The other problem with the "job" approach is that I don't have a boss. Now that might not seem like a problem right off the bat. But bosses are there not only to distribute and oversee work, but also (hopefully) to keep their employees in good shape so-to-speak, so that they can continue to work and be productive. As already mentioned, no one's here making sure I get a lunch hour or breaks. No one is reviewing my goals to make sure they're reasonable and that I'm not trying to do too much too quickly. I don't have anyone to offer me guidance when I encounter unexpected or baffling problems (like a child who insists on trying to smear poop on herself and everything else every time we change her diaper). And, on the flip side, I don't have anyone holding me accountable. (Not to imply that Peter isn't supportive or involved, he's just simply not here during most of our day.)

Anyway, this post is way too long and way too rambley, but I think part of my funk this week stems from some of the disadvantages mentioned above. Goals are good, productivity is good, but I need to be able to relax in the midst of it too and remember that this ISN'T a job. No one is standing over me with a predetermined and set-in-stone job description which I must fulfill every second of every day. It's okay to be flexible and creative. Heck, it's probably okay to stay in our pajamas and watch hours of mindless television from time to time. Also, it would probably be a good thing if I worked out some clearly demarcated downtime on a regular basis. Time to not be productive or accomplish anything. I'm not sure how to do that, but I imagine it can be worked out somehow. The hardest part will not be setting the time but actually using it for its intended purpose without feeling guilty. And lastly, I also just need to practice developing the self-discipline so to accomplish the things that are important to me even if there is no one to hold me accountable. And that's just going to take time.

I still don't know if there is a honeymoon period to this whole SAHM business. And if there is, am I in it? Am I out of it? I don't know. I'm glad to be home though. So glad. It's not perfect. It's not problem-free. Poop is involved on a regular basis, in fact. But it's worth it. I'm absolutely, 100% confident of that.

Break's over, lady! Back to work.