25 Things (I Don't Want You To Know) About Me

I have been feeling so very imperfect lately.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how sincere and well-meaning my desires and actions are, not matter how determinedly I push myself, what I accomplish seems only mediocre at best. The out-and-out failures I try not to think about. Worse, it seems to be happening everywhere - in my relationships, in my day-to-day work, in my role as mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, pastor's wife, Christian.

It has been an unsettling and discouraging time, especially for someone who is so task-oriented, so prone to measuring her value based on the shininess of her accomplishments. Regardless of my efforts and my intentions, mediocre does not feel good enough.

In the bleakness of this mental landscape, I find hope and encouragement and reassurance in the realness of others. In fact, it seems that the older I get the greater and greater value I place on sincerity, openness, and authenticity. I see so many women who encourage and inspire me - in the world at large and in the smaller world of my own life and community - and without exception a hallmark of these beautiful souls is their willingness to be real. To be imperfect. To even dare to laugh about their imperfections.

One of my current favorite blogs is Inspired to Action. I love this blog, I love what it's about, and I love how it does, in fact, inspire me to action. (And people, as you know, I am basically Eeyore in human form. Have you ever seen Eeyore inspired to do anything? Exactly. Thus, what this blog does is awesome and you should all add it to your feeders right now.)

One of my favorite posts from this blog was entitled, Real Motherhood: The Things I Don't Want You To Know About Me. I love reading blogs, and especially at this time in my life, I love reading blogs written by other moms. But as Kat (the author of Inspired to Action) states,

It’s easy, when reading about other people, to think, "Wow. They eat all organic foods, have a family fun night EVERY night, homeschool, take European vacations, wear the latest fashions, go on family mission trips, run marathons together, make their own all-natural cleaning supplies and have never forgotten their kid at school. I’m such a loser."

So. True.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I've thought almost each of these things and felt discouraged about myself and my life as a result. And that's when I need to remember, AGAIN, that the people who inspire me most aren't, in fact, the people who seem to be accomplishing all of the above. Nope, the ones who inspire me the most, the ones who make me actually want to be a better person, are the people who aren't afraid to be fully real in every situation. Not that they are constantly sharing their every thought or feeling, but that they aren't faking who they are and what their life is really about, for better or for worse. I think I am inspired because they are unafraid. Or, if they're afraid, they have the courage to be real anyway. And that gives me the courage to do the same.

Besides, as Meg Ryan's character, Kathleen Kelly, states in one of my all-time favorite movies, You've Got Mail,

"What's so wrong with being personal anyway? Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal."

This is exactly the sentiment I'm trying to express when I talk about being real. Whatever we do or say in this life, what value does it have if it doesn't begin with being real?

I'm getting long-winded, as I always do.

But, in honor of all the people in my life who have inspired and encouraged me, not by being perfect, but by being real, here are 25 Things (I Don't Want You To Know) About Me:

1. I only clean my house when it is visibly dirty. I have grand aspirations of setting up some kind of cleaning schedule where everything gets cleaned on a regular basis despite it's appearance, but yeah... so far, those have just remained aspirations.
2. I am an extreme introvert. That means that no matter how much I like you, no matter how much fun we have together, no matter how great of a person I truly think you are, at the end of the day, I'm always happy to go home. I worry that this makes me a bad friend.
3. I frequently catch myself being very jealous of extroverts.
4. I haven't been to the dentist in 5 years.
5. I'm usually suspicious of people with strong political opinions. But because I don't have strong political opinions of my own, I end up not being a very actively engaged citizen.
6. As a senior in high school I was supposed to go to some sort of fancy lunch for being a good student. My parents didn't think the outfit I picked out was formal enough so they put something together for me to wear out of my mom's closet. I couldn't bear the thought of being seen in front of my peers in the clothes they had selected, so I stopped on the way to school and changed into a different outfit in a grocery store bathroom. Then, after school, I scrunched up the outfit they chose so it would look like I had worn it and threw it into the hamper. This is probably the single most rebellious thing I ever did as a child. (I know, right?) I didn't feel guilty about it.
7. I once accidentally killed a duck when I was in grade school. That, I still feel terrible about.
8. The first time I took the test to get a driver's license, I failed. Why? Because I went straight through an intersection from a left-turn-only lane.
9. There are many days, more than I would like to count, where I find myself looking at Eden and thinking, I have no idea how to be a good mom to you.
10. I absolutely, positively hate to be the center of attention.
11. When I get nervous, my throat tightens up, so when I talk it sounds like I'm going to cry. Combine #10 and #11 and you get a lot of meetings where I sound like I am much more emotionally involved in what I'm saying than I actually am. This embarrasses me to no end.
12. I've never learned how to parallel park.
13. Sometimes I pull up Cookie Monster's Monsterpiece Theater videos on YouTube to entertain Eden. I like them more than she does.
14. I have never, ever been able to figure out hair and makeup.
15. Lilo and Stitch makes me cry.
16. I don't really like classical music. I feel like I'm supposed to, but I just... can't.
17. I also don't like to watch professional basketball because I think the players have freakish bodies, and it weirds me out.
18. On the other hand, I have really ugly feet.
19. I am strongly lacking when it comes to coordination or a sense of rhythm. Clapping and singing at the same time can be hard for me.
20. And, while we're at it, I can't sing - I'm probably just a step or two above tone deaf. I console myself with the thought that at least I know I can't sing, so I won't ever end up on the gag reel of American Idol.
21. #10+#11+#19+#20 = Karaoke is my living nightmare.
22. I have a very strong sense of responsibility, so when it comes to big decisions I feel compelled to carefully research and consider every option. At the end of this process, I usually am so overwhelmed by mental pro/con lists that I just end up hoping that someone else will make the decision for me. My friend calls this Paralysis by Analysis.
23. I mostly grew up out in the country with two older brothers and no female neighbors anywhere close to my age. We also changed schools a lot. Thus, to this day I have a very hard time figuring out how to develop close friendships with other women.
24. I wasn't able to figure out what "Y2K" stood for until January 1st, 2000.
25. I excel at being thorough but am absolutely terrible at anything that requires efficiency. Thus, most other people can accomplish 2 or 3 times what I can accomplish in the same amount of time. Of all the imperfections I've listed, this is probably the one that bothers me the most.

And you know what?

This list could have been a lot longer.

But I'm learning to be okay with that.

P.S. Sorry about the whole outfit-switcheroo, mom!

Birthday Blitz: In Which We Attempt To Determine Just How Many Photos Blogger Will Allow You To Upload In A Single Post

I'm not feeling very wordy today.

So, I'm just going to give a brief recap of the birthday bonanza that's been going on around here lately and then bombard you with a bajillion photos.

And yes, I could have thrown a few more "b" words into the above sentence. Brilliantly, I might add.

Wait, what were we talking about? Oh yes!

Birthday Numero Uno: August 1st. Eden's actual birthday. We woke her up by bringing her a blueberry muffin with a two-shaped candle and singing Happy Birthday (as opposed to, I don't know, The Battle Hymn of the Republic, says Captain Obvious). After Peter blew out the candle - she wasn't getting anywhere near that flame, which I was perfectly okay with - we took her to church where she was serenaded with happy birthday songs at least two more times and received her first present (an adorable musical tea set). We took her home, fed her lunch, and let her open a few more presents from us as well as one present from my mom, before putting her down for a nap. While she was sleeping I made her a dirt cake complete with gummy worms. It looked awesome. Then we went to a church get-together out at a beautiful house in the country where she made a bunch of new little friends and was introduced to lightning bugs and fishing. It was after 10 pm before she went to bed, but all in all I'd say she had a great day.

Birthday Numero Dos: August 14th. Joint birthday party for Eden and her cousin, Cedric, who is basically turning three as we speak. This would be the party I referenced in my last post - the one that contributed to a series of ridiculous stress-induced nightmares. I'm happy to say that due to the hard work and creativity of many of my family members (particularly, Laura, Cedric's mom, who posted about the day here) the party went off beautifully and was a smashing success. (Also, Eden successfully blew out her candle at this party without any hesitation or help. I was proud as punch.) While the kids were napping I unwrapped presents from my family for my own birthday, which was...

Birthday Numero Tres: August 16th. My thirty-first birthday. (Ugh. Not feeling nearly as chipper about the aging process this time around as I was last year.) A surprisingly fun-filled day as we hadn't really made any big plans. Peter let me sleep in and then cooked me breakfast, and my aforementioned sister-in-law, Laura, brought Cedric up for a surprise visit. We went to a park and let Cedric ride his new bicycle around the paved path while I pushed Eden beside him on his old tricycle. After lunch and naps, Laura and Cedric headed home and Pete, Eden, and I headed out to dinner. Once Eden was in bed Pete got me a Peanut Buster Parfait from DQ and we discussed the Hunger Games t-shirt that he is going to make for me. My other birthday present from Pete is the third and final book in the Hunger Games series, Mockingjay, which is released on August 24th. It is being overnighted to our house, and Pete has promised to provide me with lots of uninterrupted reading time when it arrives. I am ridiculously excited about both of these presents.

Okay, this post is actually already a lot longer than I anticipated. Perhaps my boasts of brevity were bogus. Ha! Yeah, now I'm actually just annoying myself.

Photos! Here!

Birthday Number 1:
I had a last minute genius idea to buy Eden some Sesame Street shirts when I saw them on sale in a store the night before. She loves them! Probably her favorite present from us.

The below blurriness is caused by a dance of pure happiness.
And here Eden takes the term birthday bash to a whole new level...
Birthday Number 2: There was an Elmo/Super Grover/Curious George theme in case you can't tell. Many decorations were handmade by the ever-awesome Laura.
The haul! In all honesty, in all the birthday planning it never really crossed my mind that we would be bringing home a ton of presents. I don't know, I was somehow thinking she would get five or six things, max? You know, one item per attending family?
And! AANNNNDDD!! She got more stuff! From people at church and from California friends:
We're considering selling a few on eBay and retiring early.

I jest!

We're considering selling them all and retiring period.

Really, why do you read this blog?

Anyway, I think that's about it for the birthday recap. You should have enough photos to last you until Eden's next birthday when we are hoping she will receive a Ferrari and/or a house.

My baby! How can she possibly already be two-years-old???

Love to you all!

The birthday girls -- 8/18/2010

How To Become a Desperate Housewife

Step 1: Coupons.

That's right: C.O.U.P.O.N.S.

Once upon a time, when we first moved to California and were living on an incredibly tiny budget with basically no money in the bank, I was a devoted coupon clipper. And we saved a lot of money. But it also took a LOT of time - both in the actual clipping of the coupons and in digging through them in the store to compare prices, etc., in order to get the best deals. Over time we gradually slipped out of the habit. Pete was out of school, we were both working, the budget had much more breathing room, and the bank account had a comfortable cushion. The pressure was off, and the work no longer seemed worth it.

But when Pete took his new job as a pastor and I quit my job to become a full-time stay-at-home-mom, we knew we were going to need to tighten the belt again, and I was determined to become the Coupon Queen. Plus! Apparently over the last few years coupon clipping has become a BIG DEAL. As in there are a million blogs devoted to it. As in people no longer just clip coupons, they have coupon binders and boxes. They comb through store sale fliers in order to combine the best possible prices with the biggest possible coupons - and they post these super deals on their blogs so that everyone else can do the same. They create coupon databases (coupon databases!!). They even play drugstore games where, through some complicated system that I've yet to fully grasp, they are able to purchase hundreds of dollars of merchandise for fifty cents and some Monopoly money.

Okay, that is a slight exaggeration. (Extreme, extreme emphasis on slight.)

The point is, I felt sure with all of these new amazing resources at my fingertips, I'd be saving gigantic chunks of change in no time. I also thought I'd be able to avoid spending so much time clipping coupons (which is good because I seem to have no time these days) AND avoid carrying big handfuls of coupons around in the store with me while squinting for ten minutes at the price tags on a single set of product brands. (This is also good because: all that I just said? It does not work when you have a toddler sitting in the front of your shopping cart. No, really believe me. I tell you no lies here. Also: extreme, extreme emphasis on sitting.)

ANYWAY... to get on with this long, drawn-out story... Monday night I sat down with my spiffy little weekly meal plan, my grocery list, my pile of store ads and coupons from the Sunday paper, and my lovely little computer with what is probably the mother of all coupon blogs front and center on the screen, and I dove in, certain that I was about to work some magic. An hour later I gave up and went to bed having found and clipped a total of TWO (that's right, 2!) useful coupons. One of those coupons was to be used in conjunction with a store sale, which turned out to be nonexistent when I visited the store the next day. So I walked out with my groceries having saved sixty cents.

Sixty cents. For over an hour of work.

I did a little better today. Another hour of work last night resulted in a savings of eight dollars today at Target. But still!

I'm going to hang in there and give this coupon-clipping/blog-reading/drugstore-game-playing a little more time to work out. But I'm feeling pretty doubtful about all of it at this moment. It's not that I don't believe in the methods. I'm sure that there are many people out there saving tons of money this way, but I also strongly suspect that at least a few of them are living entirely off of fruit snacks and sugar cereal and/or have enough toothpaste and hair care products to support a small city for the next five years.

Step 2: Throw a birthday party for toddlers.

My sister-in-law and I thought that we could save time and money (do you sense a theme here?) by throwing a combined birthday party for my just-turned-two daughter and her just-about-to-turn-three son.

We were wrong.

Also, if I never see the face of Elmo or Curious George again, I will die a happy person. Super Grover is hanging on to my affections by a thread.

Step 3: Be a little crazy to begin with.

It's been a week. Actually, it's been several weeks. I won't go into it because you all have weeks too. You know what I'm talking about.

But I am also my own particular brand of crazy, and there's a reason why Peter says I have a little Rabbit mixed in with all my Eeyoreness. Eeyorenicity?

Last night my accumulated stress from these last few weeks came out, as it often does, in my sleep. The cats woke me up for their nightly supper at what I suspect was about 3 am, and after that I tossed and turned in a semi-awake stew of anxious thoughts and mental to-do lists for awhile until apparently succumbing to some form of sleep. But then I started having nightmares. And I definitely mean that noun to be pluralized.

My first nightmares were all about spiders. Particularly spiders in my ears. (Katie! I will apparently never recover from your story.) Then those were replaced by your standard burglar/murderer nightmares involving physical harm to me and Eden. THEN I started dreaming about driving off the Poplar Street Bridge and crashing into the Mississippi over and over and over again. And every time that nightmare restarted I would try to think of a different way to escape my car and the churning muddy water and every time I would fail and the dream would end just as I began to drown.

Soooooooo......

Hmmm, yeah, I don't think there's any hope of bringing this post back from that last paragraph.

Here's to better weeks for all of us! May all your coupons be doubled and all your cupcakes come pre-decorated!

At least, try not to think about the spiders.