25 Things (I Don't Want You To Know) About Me

I have been feeling so very imperfect lately.

No matter how hard I try, no matter how sincere and well-meaning my desires and actions are, not matter how determinedly I push myself, what I accomplish seems only mediocre at best. The out-and-out failures I try not to think about. Worse, it seems to be happening everywhere - in my relationships, in my day-to-day work, in my role as mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, pastor's wife, Christian.

It has been an unsettling and discouraging time, especially for someone who is so task-oriented, so prone to measuring her value based on the shininess of her accomplishments. Regardless of my efforts and my intentions, mediocre does not feel good enough.

In the bleakness of this mental landscape, I find hope and encouragement and reassurance in the realness of others. In fact, it seems that the older I get the greater and greater value I place on sincerity, openness, and authenticity. I see so many women who encourage and inspire me - in the world at large and in the smaller world of my own life and community - and without exception a hallmark of these beautiful souls is their willingness to be real. To be imperfect. To even dare to laugh about their imperfections.

One of my current favorite blogs is Inspired to Action. I love this blog, I love what it's about, and I love how it does, in fact, inspire me to action. (And people, as you know, I am basically Eeyore in human form. Have you ever seen Eeyore inspired to do anything? Exactly. Thus, what this blog does is awesome and you should all add it to your feeders right now.)

One of my favorite posts from this blog was entitled, Real Motherhood: The Things I Don't Want You To Know About Me. I love reading blogs, and especially at this time in my life, I love reading blogs written by other moms. But as Kat (the author of Inspired to Action) states,

It’s easy, when reading about other people, to think, "Wow. They eat all organic foods, have a family fun night EVERY night, homeschool, take European vacations, wear the latest fashions, go on family mission trips, run marathons together, make their own all-natural cleaning supplies and have never forgotten their kid at school. I’m such a loser."

So. True.

In fact, I'm pretty sure I've thought almost each of these things and felt discouraged about myself and my life as a result. And that's when I need to remember, AGAIN, that the people who inspire me most aren't, in fact, the people who seem to be accomplishing all of the above. Nope, the ones who inspire me the most, the ones who make me actually want to be a better person, are the people who aren't afraid to be fully real in every situation. Not that they are constantly sharing their every thought or feeling, but that they aren't faking who they are and what their life is really about, for better or for worse. I think I am inspired because they are unafraid. Or, if they're afraid, they have the courage to be real anyway. And that gives me the courage to do the same.

Besides, as Meg Ryan's character, Kathleen Kelly, states in one of my all-time favorite movies, You've Got Mail,

"What's so wrong with being personal anyway? Whatever else anything is, it ought to begin by being personal."

This is exactly the sentiment I'm trying to express when I talk about being real. Whatever we do or say in this life, what value does it have if it doesn't begin with being real?

I'm getting long-winded, as I always do.

But, in honor of all the people in my life who have inspired and encouraged me, not by being perfect, but by being real, here are 25 Things (I Don't Want You To Know) About Me:

1. I only clean my house when it is visibly dirty. I have grand aspirations of setting up some kind of cleaning schedule where everything gets cleaned on a regular basis despite it's appearance, but yeah... so far, those have just remained aspirations.
2. I am an extreme introvert. That means that no matter how much I like you, no matter how much fun we have together, no matter how great of a person I truly think you are, at the end of the day, I'm always happy to go home. I worry that this makes me a bad friend.
3. I frequently catch myself being very jealous of extroverts.
4. I haven't been to the dentist in 5 years.
5. I'm usually suspicious of people with strong political opinions. But because I don't have strong political opinions of my own, I end up not being a very actively engaged citizen.
6. As a senior in high school I was supposed to go to some sort of fancy lunch for being a good student. My parents didn't think the outfit I picked out was formal enough so they put something together for me to wear out of my mom's closet. I couldn't bear the thought of being seen in front of my peers in the clothes they had selected, so I stopped on the way to school and changed into a different outfit in a grocery store bathroom. Then, after school, I scrunched up the outfit they chose so it would look like I had worn it and threw it into the hamper. This is probably the single most rebellious thing I ever did as a child. (I know, right?) I didn't feel guilty about it.
7. I once accidentally killed a duck when I was in grade school. That, I still feel terrible about.
8. The first time I took the test to get a driver's license, I failed. Why? Because I went straight through an intersection from a left-turn-only lane.
9. There are many days, more than I would like to count, where I find myself looking at Eden and thinking, I have no idea how to be a good mom to you.
10. I absolutely, positively hate to be the center of attention.
11. When I get nervous, my throat tightens up, so when I talk it sounds like I'm going to cry. Combine #10 and #11 and you get a lot of meetings where I sound like I am much more emotionally involved in what I'm saying than I actually am. This embarrasses me to no end.
12. I've never learned how to parallel park.
13. Sometimes I pull up Cookie Monster's Monsterpiece Theater videos on YouTube to entertain Eden. I like them more than she does.
14. I have never, ever been able to figure out hair and makeup.
15. Lilo and Stitch makes me cry.
16. I don't really like classical music. I feel like I'm supposed to, but I just... can't.
17. I also don't like to watch professional basketball because I think the players have freakish bodies, and it weirds me out.
18. On the other hand, I have really ugly feet.
19. I am strongly lacking when it comes to coordination or a sense of rhythm. Clapping and singing at the same time can be hard for me.
20. And, while we're at it, I can't sing - I'm probably just a step or two above tone deaf. I console myself with the thought that at least I know I can't sing, so I won't ever end up on the gag reel of American Idol.
21. #10+#11+#19+#20 = Karaoke is my living nightmare.
22. I have a very strong sense of responsibility, so when it comes to big decisions I feel compelled to carefully research and consider every option. At the end of this process, I usually am so overwhelmed by mental pro/con lists that I just end up hoping that someone else will make the decision for me. My friend calls this Paralysis by Analysis.
23. I mostly grew up out in the country with two older brothers and no female neighbors anywhere close to my age. We also changed schools a lot. Thus, to this day I have a very hard time figuring out how to develop close friendships with other women.
24. I wasn't able to figure out what "Y2K" stood for until January 1st, 2000.
25. I excel at being thorough but am absolutely terrible at anything that requires efficiency. Thus, most other people can accomplish 2 or 3 times what I can accomplish in the same amount of time. Of all the imperfections I've listed, this is probably the one that bothers me the most.

And you know what?

This list could have been a lot longer.

But I'm learning to be okay with that.

P.S. Sorry about the whole outfit-switcheroo, mom!