Resolved! I Think.

I wasn't going to make any resolutions this year. I've always been the kind of person to get carried away with them - and then NEVER keep them - which would just leave me feeling disappointed and discouraged.

This is what I mean by "carried away": for a long time I would try to make one resolution for each of the Five Dimensions of Wellness (if you were a Health Science major like I was, you know exactly what I'm talking about here). For example: Physical (usually something about exercising more or drinking more water, etc.), Mental/Intellectual (reading a certain number of books perhaps), Emotional (this was always a toughie - it's hard to remember what I might have resolved in the past for this one - keeping a gratitude journal, maybe?), Social (date nights with Peter, keeping up with friends), and Spiritual (often something to do with reading my Bible or memorizing Scripture or something). I'm not sure I ever once kept one single resolution from those lists. I meant so well! But I failed spectacularly every time.

So this year I wasn't going to make any resolutions. It seemed silly when the only result was always negative. HOWEVER, there have definitely been some things I've needed to do for quite a while, which I'd been putting off according to my typical procrastinator ways. And by the end of 2009 I found myself thinking, well, I'll just make them into resolutions and that will motivate me to take care of them when I have a fresh start in the new year.

LIES.

And yet, here I am.

It started off with just one thing - basically a task I hate and yet have been needing to take care of for some time now.

RESOLUTION 1: Make ALL doctor appointments.
For some reason that I can't explain, I HATE making appointments. HATE it. Even for things that I want to do or am looking forward to, like getting a haircut! I will put it off forever just because I don't want to call and make the appointment. Part of the problem is contained in that last sentence of course: call. I have an intense dislike for telephones. I either want to talk to you in person or e-mail you. I don't ever want to call you. Why? I'm not really sure. I have some guesses, but I don't want to get into them here because the last thing this blog needs is more random tangents. So, anyway, hatred of telephones plus dislike of visiting doctors and especially dentists equals no appointments. This needs to be rectified badly. Thus, I am resolved to make an appointment with: my primary care physician, my OB/GYN, an eye doctor, and a dentist. I also need to make an appointment for Eden with an ophthalmologist and a pediatric cardiologist (we're still waiting on the referral paperwork) as well as figure out when she needs her next well-baby appointment. Gah! That's SEVEN appointments!! I need to move on now because I can't think about this anymore.

Shortly after deciding on that first one, a couple of other things that had been on my mind for awhile got turned into resolutions.

RESOLUTION 2: Develop a habit of reading the Bible every day.
I used to do this. Then, I don't know, I got busy and tired and let's face it, ferociously mad at God a few times, and poof, there went that habit. It doesn't help that the Bible has always been a tough book for me. I love books! I love to read! But the vast majority of the time I have NO IDEA what the Biblical authors are talking about and that makes me either frustrated or bored or both. Peter reads the Bible ALL THE TIME. And not just because he's resolved to do it, although that may be true at times as well. But because he really enjoys it - and he understands it, at least a lot more than I do. He is basically a walking concordance/commentary. I'm always asking him, where's that verse about such-and-such, and he can usually correctly name the book and chapter if not the specific verse. Which is AWESOME. But I really need to stop being lazy and read for myself. I KNOW it's good for me, and I WANT to do it, but developing the habit is going to take some time. I'm not putting any additional requirements on this one: I'm not going to try to read a certain number of pages or chapters or for a certain number of minutes. But I'm going to try to read something every day, even if it's just a single verse. So far I've missed two days - mostly just because I got busy and forgot. But that's okay, because my resolution is to develop a habit - not to be perfect from the beginning.

RESOLUTION 3: Eat better and exercise more.
Snoooooooooze. I know, I know, I just typed the most incredibly generic and cliche resolution of all time. The truth is, Peter and I have been talking about how we both need to do this - and again, the new year just seemed like an opportune staring point. I realize that such a vague resolution is likely to be absolutely useless - but I'm actually keeping it deliberately vague, because I want to just try to make some small changes - any changes - and be happy with that. Again, this is more about getting started in a direction than actually accomplishing some kind of grand, fantastical goal. Because that latter thing, WON'T HAPPEN. But I know that I can do something. So right now, I'm just trying to approach it on a decision by decision basis. I'm going to Target, should I walk or drive the car? Walking is healthier, so choose to walk. I want a snack, should I choose an apple or cookie? Again, identify the healthier choice and try to make it more often than not. BUT, since I don't have to hit some specific goal, there's not as much pressure. And every time I make a healthy choice, I feel good, because I'm fully realizing my resolution with each one. I hope that makes sense. I don't think this approach will accomplish much, but if it becomes something I hate, then I also know I won't accomplish anything. So, we'll see what happens.

I was pretty much done with those three. They represent things that are both important and that have been really nagging at me for awhile. And three is a good number - enough to be significant altogether, but hopefully not enough to become overwhelming.

Then something kind of weird happened.

RESOLUTION 4: Learn to live counter-culturally and not be (as much of) a consumer.
What??

Okay, I am not that person. I am not a hippie-granola-culture-snob. (Apologies if you consider yourself one of those.) I like Starbucks. I like Target. I like television and movies and fast food and shopping malls (occasionally) and all the other normal staples of middle-class America. I would totally shop at Gap more often if the price differences between the men's clothes and women's clothes didn't send me into a fuming rage every time I was there. I am the last person on earth to ever want to utter the words counter-cultural, because I don't know... ewww. Then, all of a sudden, things began... shifting... in my mind.

It all started with my sister-in-law. (Hi Laura!)

She was telling me about this idea she had for Lent. I won't go into all of it, because I think she'll be covering it on her own blog (http://domesticgoddessphd.blogspot.com/) when Lent arrives - but in talking about her idea, we started talking about the habit of spending money. I am honestly not a big shopper. But at the same time, it's always nice to go and spend a little money. In fact, whenever I'm feeling down, one of my favorite pick-me-ups is to go and buy something. A smoothie, a brownie, a book, or a cd - something. I don't spend money that I don't have, and I don't spend outside of the parameters of our budget, but still, if I want to feel better, I spend money. And if I want to celebrate something? Same thing. Spend some money. The problem is not the individual purchases but the larger theme: buying something and being happy are definitely linked in my head. How did this happen? Who knows? I've got a couple of theories but again don't want to take the time at this point to get into it. The point is, this conversation got me thinking.

The next thing that happened was that Peter and I went to see Avatar.

First of all, I would like to say that I liked Avatar. I thought it was absolutely beautiful visually. And I enjoyed the story just fine too, despite the stereotypes and predictability and one-dimensional characters. Whatever. It's a big blockbuster movie. Remember that non-cultural-snob thing I said earlier? This is an example. I'm not looking to be enlightened, just entertained, and I thought Avatar was very entertaining.

But... it got me thinking again. It made me think about how the big bad military/company guys are portrayed as representing a culture of consumers - a society that has not learned to live within its means - a society that is more or less in the habit of consuming for consuming's sake. They no longer consume (sorry for the constant repetition of that word) to fill a real need, but almost because it has become an addiction. And in order to feed this addiction they have become hardened to the rights and needs of others - and even to the beauty in the world around them. (And yes, in the movie it was all pretty thick and heavy-handed, but again! Who cares!) What this actually made me think of was the verse from Philippians that says "...their god is their stomach..." (And since the book concordance is in the same room where Eden is sleeping right now, I had to wait until Pete, the human concordance, got home to find out the reference for that verse.)

Buying things because it makes me happy... because it's become a habit... consuming for consuming's sake... their god is their stomach. Do you see where I'm going here? All these thoughts were starting to pull together into a big knot in my mind. But I wasn't at the end of it yet.

Because then I read The Hunger Games.

Which I loved. Probably my favorite book since the Harry Potter series, in fact. I'm going to try very hard not to get too much into the details of this book because, 1) it's sci-fi, so there are a lot of details, and this post is already at legendary proportions as it is, and 2) you might want to read it (you should! you should!), and I don't want to spoil anything for you. But I'm still going to have to give a general summary so that you can follow my train of thought. I should also warn you that this is a very dark book with some pretty gut-wrenching themes and plot lines. But, that's part of the point as I think you will see.

The book takes place in the future, where somewhere in North America a new nation has risen up following a series of apocalyptic wars/natural disasters/etc. that have wiped out the world as we know it. This new nation is composed of a central Capitol surrounded by twelve Districts. The Capitol is your basic cruel totalitarian government, keeping the citizens of the Districts in poverty. Once, many years ago, the Districts had tried to fight back, but their rebellion was harshly overthrown. Now, as a punishment for this rebellion and as a reminder of the power of the Capitol over them, an annual lottery is held in which one girl and one boy (ages 12-18) are selected from each District to fight in the Hunger Games - which is essentially a fight to the death on national television.

Okay, I know right there I've lost many if not most of you. And that's okay - when I first heard about the plot, I thought it sounded completely ridiculous myself. In fact, the only real reason I finally read the book was because so many people were talking about it, and as a librarian, I feel like I really need to be on top of the book business. But somehow, crazy-sounding plot aside, the author really gets you with this book. And frankly, I found it downright eerie at times. The tributes (which is what the "contestants" in the Hunger Games are called) are brought to the Capitol from their Districts and given stylists and mentors and other staff to help them create what basically amounts to a marketing plan and carefully constructed public image. Why? Because, as the Games are aired live on television, they are not only trying to stay alive but also win over the audience. If they win over the audience, they are more likely to attract sponsors who can pay to send them supplies, etc., which will increase their odds of survival. It is all very much American Idol meets Survivor meets the Roman Empire. And it is horrifying and repulsive and alarmingly familiar. Seriously. If you've ever watched much reality television or those entertainment/paparazzi shows where the hosts shred the lives and families of complete strangers for the entertainment of their viewers, you will find this book much less far-fetched than you could ever imagine. And if you are like me, that will turn your stomach.

So. The point of all this is that I think I would really like to take some time this year to reflect on what I value and how those values may or may not always be supported by the culture around me. I don't know, maybe this all sounds really ridiculous. I mean, I did get some of this idea about not being a consumer and living counter-culturally from a blockbuster movie that is making already ridiculously rich people a billion dollars, and a bestselling novel, which is, obviously, culturally-approved. But it just seems extra important to me all of a sudden. Part of it I'm sure is because I'm a mom now. How do I teach Eden to see clearly the values and motives behind all the messages she will hear in this lifetime? How do I teach her to set a straight course through those messages based on her own understanding of what is true and right if I don't at least first model this in my own life?

I'm not planning any drastic changes honestly. I'm going to keep drinking my Starbucks and shopping at Target. For now, at least. :) But I want to think about what it means to be a consumer and what it means for your god to be an appetite. And I want to think about what it would mean to live the opposite of a consumeristic life - which, I guess, would mean a life that's lived not about taking in, but about giving out. And finally, I want to think about the ways in which I've been swept along by the not-so-good parts of the culture around me - how have I become blind and hard-hearted toward those that are hurting and oppressed? What horrors have I overlooked in my passive acceptance of the sometimes-slightly-too-shiny world I live in everyday?

At this point, I don't really know how to go about this resolution other than to, you know, think. So if you have any suggestions, I would love, love, love to hear them!! Really, I would love anyone's thoughts or (gentle) feedback about this stuff. The only other idea I've had so far is to try to find some books by people who I see as living genuine, non-consumeristic, counter-cultural lives. For example, I've ordered some books by Mother Teresa from the library. But again, thoughts/ideas/suggestions would be GREATLY appreciated. And, I hope this goes without saying, but I'm really just reflecting on my own life here. No matter what I decide in my own life, I don't ever want to be the kind of person who looks down on others because of their Starbucks consumption, or whatever. That would be the opposite of what I'm trying to do.

I think this may be my longest post ever. Thanks for sticking with me this far (mom). I'll try to post any updates on how things are going or any new thoughts I've had.

Until then, here's to a new year and to new resolutions!