First things first. I am sleepy, sugar-fueled, and frankly, a tad grumpy. I probably have no business writing a blog post at this time. But it's that or wash the dishes, so here I am!
I would secretly (well, not so secretly anymore, hmm) love to think that I have some sort of audience out there nervously chewing off their fingernails as they wait for the next installment of updates on our lives and/or Part Two of Stephanie's Meandering Thoughts on How To Be A Better Person. But, fortunately, there is still some rationality tucked up somewhere in some little-used corner of my brain, and that rationality is calmly confident that neither audience nor nervous chewing exists. All the same, I feel I owe someone an explanation about the lack-of-posting that has happened lately. Again. So, here is your explanation: 1. I am lazy. 2. Our lives really aren't that exciting. That's all! Also, it is absolutely going to happen again! Probably right after this post! So if any one of my imaginary audience-members should ever find themselves wondering, hey, what's up with Stephanie, she hasn't posted in forever... just remember: Lazy! Not Exciting Anyway! And, for my part, I promise (for as long as I remember) to never waste your time writing out another excuse again. Agreed? Excellent! Moving on...
Believe it or not, it is February 17th, and I have not forgotten my resolutions! Not that I have made a lot of progress on them, but I still remember what they are! Let's be honest, that's an incredible feat for me. In the interest of accountability, here is a progress (or not) report:
Resolution 1: Make all doctor appointments
I made an appointment with my primary care physician and with Eden's cardiologist. I also found out that Eden's next well-baby appointment isn't until she's two, so we're good for awhile there. And Pete and I decided to hold off on the ophthalmologist visit for a bit longer too. I actually had my appointment with my primary care physician this morning, and it is the main reason I'm feeling grumpy. It did not go well - it was basically an exercise in why I hate doctor's appointments anyway with a little our-health-care-system-leaves-much-to-be-desired thrown in for good effect. Nothing was resolved, and I will NOT be going back. To any doctor. Ever again. Okay, I jest. I will still make my appointments with my OB/GYN, an eye doctor, and the dentist. But that's it! Can we call that progress, please?
Resolution 2: Develop a habit of reading the Bible every day
Well, I'm definitely not at every day yet. But I'm better than before! Slow progress is being made, and I'm hopeful that it will continue.
Resolution 3: Eat better and exercise more
[crickets chirping]
Resolution 4: Learn to live counter-culturally and not be (as much of) a consumer
Again, slow progress is being made. I'm still thinking about it A LOT. I would like to move a little more into an acting phase, but I also don't want to just do something so that I can say I did it. I want it to mean something - to flow out of what I actually believe to be true and valuable. I have selected a book by Mother Teresa to begin reading (as soon as I finish the parenting book I'm working on). It was recommended by several friends so I'm excited to read it. I also question my purchases more now too - not just, is this economical? But, do I really need this? And what do I need it for? Am I trying to buy happiness or fill an actual need? Honestly, sometimes I recognize that I'm trying to buy happiness, and I do it anyway. Because frankly, in that moment I just don't have the strength of character to want to be different. I read an interesting quote today - the author (Frederica Mathewes-Green) said, "Everyone wants to be transformed, but nobody wants to change." I can strongly identify with that statement.
Peter and I also did some talking awhile back and decided to give up our tenth anniversary trip to Hawaii. Instead, we're giving the money to organizations working in Haiti to serve the people who are suffering so profoundly following the earthquake. I'd love to tell you that it was an easy decision, but it wasn't. I still feel sad about it sometimes and want to throw a pity-party. (I've discovered lately that I am EXCEPTIONALLY good at pity parties. Seriously, I can put on a gold-medal performance, people.) But when I think about what those women and children in Haiti have to accept - have to endure - I am ashamed. I think again, too, about those people in The Hunger Games, whose hearts have been hardened to suffering and who think no further than their own entertainment while children are dying in front of them. I don't want to be one of those people. Peter said it made him a little sad too, but also reminded him about the Baileys in It's A Wonderful Life - how George Bailey always has these plans to get out of Bedford Falls and see the world, and how he always chooses to set those plans aside to do what is right and show compassion toward others. I don't remember everything Pete said, but I do know that at the end he said something along the lines of, "it's a better way to live".
And really, that's what I'm hoping to find: a better way to live. I wish that I could find that better way through some sort of painless transformation, but I have a feeling that it's going to look a lot more like slow, pokey, old change. The occasionally painful kind. The hard-to-welcome kind.
Today is Ash Wednesday. It's the first day of Lent. I honestly don't know much about Lent - it was not part of the Christian traditions that I grew up with. But from what I can tell, if there is ever a time in the year to do some honest, determined self-reflection, this is the time. This is also the time to think deeply about the ways my God is calling me to serve the world around me. And this is the time to remember that we have each been given a "cup," and that we are called to share in the sufferings of Christ, just as He bore the suffering of the world.
I don't have a good way to end this post except to add two thought-provoking verses that I stumbled across when trying to find the prayer Jesus prayed about His "cup" in the Garden of Gethsemane. Good meditations for Lent, I think!
"And if anyone gives even a cup of cold water to one of these little ones because he is my disciple, I tell you the truth, he will certainly not lose his reward." --Matthew 10:42
"Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You clean the outside of the cup and dish, but inside they are full of greed and self-indulgence. Blind Pharisee! First clean the inside of the cup and dish, and then the outside also will be clean." --Matthew 23:25-26
5 comments:
I love your posts! Such good writing and so thought provoking. If Eden doesn't write the great novel of our time, it won't be from lack of genetic predisposition! I thought the second verse tied in very nicely to the hard work of internal change and I'm still in awe that you would give up a vacation to Hawaii to help those suffering in Haiti. I am inspired.
I have two things to say. First I have been waiting and watching, sometimes not very patiently, for your next post. So I am thrilled to see this one. My second comment is that although Hawaii would have been beautiful and fun heaven will make that trip valueless.
Pictures are absolutely precious. Only 4 1/2 months before I can have time for spoiling. Gramma
I would be waiting with my fingernails chewed off if I didn't have so much other stuff in my life, you really are so much fun to read, and your book and movie recommendations are always wonderful. I mean you are a librarian, so you should be great at recommending books, but I just thought I would let you know that you are. :)
Finishing reading Hunger Games, I can see the simplicity thing more clearly. It seems like everything gets stripped away, and I can look more clearly at the important things. That doesn't actually include dishes. They have to be done, no doubt, but I was reminded that the relationships are more important than my to-do list, among other things. I think the book hit me in a different way than it hit you, but I did absolutely love it, and I am still digesting.
The Hawaii vacation has really made me think. How often do I deprive myself when the money is sitting in front of me. It is much easier to say, the money isn't in the budget, or that money is for something else, but when I have the money set aside for me, I feel ownership. But it still isn't mine, but more my choice to do what I will with it. I don't get those choices very often...maybe that says something of my track record. But you have inspired me to make more selfless choices...when I do get the chance.
Now to catch up on all of the unimportant things that didn't get done while I was reading those books...
WOW! Giving up a Hawaii trip and sending that money to Haiti? You guys never cease to inspire me with your views on suffering, the way you continually dig through life, and actually do "life" the way Jesus would have.
You definitely have a real flesh-and-blood audience. I enjoy your writing so much. You make me laugh, make me feel less like "the only one who feels that way" about a lot of things, and get me thinking--every time!--about meaningful things. All in the same post. :) Thank you!
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