Friday was our anniversary. Blogger did not get their act together in time for me to post something on the actual day. (I haven't been able to log in to this ol' blog since last Tuesday. Based on their Known Issues, I wasn't the only one having trouble with Blogger. There were times I felt quite a bit of frustration about this, since I have - prepare yourselves - four blog posts ready to go, but then I remembered, wait I don't actually pay anything for this service. And in about four years, I've never really had any problems. So at that point I decided to just go ahead and keep my mouth shut.) Unfortunately, I also did not get my act together in time to do, well, pretty much anything else on the actual day.
So, this is how it went:
"Happy anniversary, honey! I got you the present of spending zero of your hard-earned dollars on any of those fancy-schmancy gizmos all the guys have these days. Also, whatcha want to do today?"**
This is what we did:
Pretty much nothing. At least in the morning. At least nothing that I really remember. I think there might have been doughnuts. (You'd think I would remember doughnuts. I feel a little ashamed.) Then we got Eden ready and took her over to a friend's house to hang out and be responsibly cared for and napped while we high-tailed it to Edwardsville for a movie (scarfing down McDonald's on the way. Note to self: scarfing McDonalds is not a good idea. Please do not repeat.) We saw Thor. Why? Because we had some Groupon movie tickets that were about to expire and that was the only movie playing anywhere near us that fit into the appropriate child-free time range. And Pirates of the Caribbean IV was/is getting even more terrible reviews. And I like Natalie Portman.
However:
Natalie Portman let me down. Actually the movie is fine. You know what I mean, for a super-hero action flick. The special effects were very pretty but the dialogue was frequently horrendous, and I spent a good chunk of the film kind of hoping the bad guy might actually win and annihilate every once else. Perhaps especially Thor and Natalie Portman, I am sad to say.
After the movie we drove to the home where Eden was staying, picking up pizza along the way. We ate dinner with our friends and spent the rest of the evening researching places to stay for our July road trip to General Conference. All in all, it was a pretty quiet day. Not especially notable in any particular way, at least not in comparison to how we were able to celebrate our tenth anniversary. (Go here for Day Two.)
I had mixed feelings about that.
The truth is marriage is really hard sometimes. (I know, I know, alert the media.) It involves a lot of sharing: sharing of money, food (this is here because I really do not like people eating my french fries), closet space, personal space in general, responsibility, years of life, etc. Sharing is mostly awesome (or so we tell Eden), but sometimes, not so much. Sometimes, just sometimes, I want to do things my way. Sometimes, I want it to be all about me. And we see evidence of this whole marriage-is-hard thing around us all the time. So, because of that, I think wedding anniversaries should be celebrated, and frankly, celebrated BIG. Because it's a big deal.
On the other hand, there was something slightly soothing about the relatively-quiet-and-simple approach. Eleven years. It's like a groove now, this daily working out of our vows to each other. Most of the time, it works. And even when it doesn't work, even when we both feel capable of quite cheerfully strangling the other person, even then I know, this is right. So right for me. So right for us. So right for this little family that I love with all my heart.
Happy anniversary, Pete! Last year, we were just a ten - thanks for helping me put it up to eleven. I love you!
**This is a variation of one of Eden's current favorite phrases. I hear, "Mama! Whatcha gonna do today?" or "Mama! What we gonna do today?" all the time. And I know you think I'm exaggerating, but I am NOT. Not only do I get this question first thing in the morning, but also while we're getting dressed, eating breakfast, immediately after discussing what, in fact, we are going to do today, during every single car ride everywhere, at the library, grocery store, park, backyard, and not infrequently, as we are getting her ready for bed. It has replaced, "What's happening?" as the phrase most often heard in this house. In case you can't tell, it sometimes leaves me feeling a little frazzled.
Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Sunday, May 22, 2011
From The Middle of While We Were Yet
Pregnant.
One tiny word in one tiny test stick window. We'd given up on the squinting, doubt-filled, is-that-a-second-line-or-isn't-it kinds of tests years ago, even before Eden. The digital tests are more expensive, but they remove the uncertainty, the questions.
Pregnant. That's what I was, not just three months ago, but also a week ago. I'd already had some suspicious symptoms, but it took the test to completely convince me. Pregnant for the fourth time.
And then the next day,
I wasn't.
Again.
Sometimes I wonder why I post the things I do on this blog. Sometimes I wonder if I will look back in several years when I'm older and hopefully wiser and regret what I've put here. Or, if not regret it, at least shake my head at my choices. I wonder if being honest and open in the moment is the right way to go. Maybe the right thing to do is to wait till it's passed, wait till the depression is conquered, the sadness and grief is overcome, the victory is won, to share the experience. Then, with the perfect clarity of hindsight, I can tell the story the way it should be told, with the emphasis on the end, not the middle, on the glory, not the pain. I wonder this often, especially now, when the "middleness" of my story is so very obvious. I don't want to do myself or my family a disservice. And I especially don't want to diminish the power or glory or goodness of God. He deserves all praise. Always.
But I find myself compelled to come here again and again and again. Partially, probably, it's a release to give words to my experience and these posts may very well be stepping stones in the healing process. But I honestly think it's more than that. I come here, and I lay it all out for all eyes to see because I know this is the middle and not the end, and I want everyone to know not only that I have been redeemed but what I have been redeemed from.
Because this, this right here: the anger and the doubt and the sadness and the questioning and the struggle is what the Good News is for. This is it. This is where faith is made real and where all the Sunday school lessons and Bible studies find their purpose. If I can't speak of these experiences in the hour of their agony then my God is not the God of the lepers and the barren, of tears and sweat like drops of blood. But He is! He is exactly that. Time and time again He reveals it. He is the God of the broken and diseased, the outcasts, the confused, the doubters and liars and betrayers and sinners one and all. My God is the One who came not for the healthy, but for the sick. My faith is real and strong not because one day it will be easy and happy. It is real and strong because of this very moment when it is not easy and not happy - it is this moment for which it exists. And, I think, maybe, it is this moment when it is most powerful.
This morning in church we sang Chris Tomlin's The Wonderful Cross, and the words just kept repeating over and over and over again in my mind. Oh the wonderful cross! Oh the wonderful cross! Oh the wonder of a God who created the heavens and commands the angels, but who, even greater and more amazingly, chooses to pour His glory into the darkest moments of agony and pain and shame. The God of the dead and the dying. Oh the wonder of a God who fulfills His glory in the weakest things of this world, in the weakest moments of our lives - not just once they have become strong, but in the very midst of their weakness.
I have now had 3 miscarriages in 4 years. My brokenness is undeniable, my frailty and limitations haunt me. I am weak, and I am full of sin, and I am struggling in so many ways. Sometimes I think, in every way. And I am determined to put this all out there for everyone to see because I want everyone to know the God who is the God of this moment - the ugly middle - and the God of me - the confused, angry, depressed me. He is a God worth knowing. He is a God worth trusting.
One tiny word in one tiny test stick window. We'd given up on the squinting, doubt-filled, is-that-a-second-line-or-isn't-it kinds of tests years ago, even before Eden. The digital tests are more expensive, but they remove the uncertainty, the questions.
Pregnant. That's what I was, not just three months ago, but also a week ago. I'd already had some suspicious symptoms, but it took the test to completely convince me. Pregnant for the fourth time.
And then the next day,
I wasn't.
Again.
Sometimes I wonder why I post the things I do on this blog. Sometimes I wonder if I will look back in several years when I'm older and hopefully wiser and regret what I've put here. Or, if not regret it, at least shake my head at my choices. I wonder if being honest and open in the moment is the right way to go. Maybe the right thing to do is to wait till it's passed, wait till the depression is conquered, the sadness and grief is overcome, the victory is won, to share the experience. Then, with the perfect clarity of hindsight, I can tell the story the way it should be told, with the emphasis on the end, not the middle, on the glory, not the pain. I wonder this often, especially now, when the "middleness" of my story is so very obvious. I don't want to do myself or my family a disservice. And I especially don't want to diminish the power or glory or goodness of God. He deserves all praise. Always.
But I find myself compelled to come here again and again and again. Partially, probably, it's a release to give words to my experience and these posts may very well be stepping stones in the healing process. But I honestly think it's more than that. I come here, and I lay it all out for all eyes to see because I know this is the middle and not the end, and I want everyone to know not only that I have been redeemed but what I have been redeemed from.
Because this, this right here: the anger and the doubt and the sadness and the questioning and the struggle is what the Good News is for. This is it. This is where faith is made real and where all the Sunday school lessons and Bible studies find their purpose. If I can't speak of these experiences in the hour of their agony then my God is not the God of the lepers and the barren, of tears and sweat like drops of blood. But He is! He is exactly that. Time and time again He reveals it. He is the God of the broken and diseased, the outcasts, the confused, the doubters and liars and betrayers and sinners one and all. My God is the One who came not for the healthy, but for the sick. My faith is real and strong not because one day it will be easy and happy. It is real and strong because of this very moment when it is not easy and not happy - it is this moment for which it exists. And, I think, maybe, it is this moment when it is most powerful.
This morning in church we sang Chris Tomlin's The Wonderful Cross, and the words just kept repeating over and over and over again in my mind. Oh the wonderful cross! Oh the wonderful cross! Oh the wonder of a God who created the heavens and commands the angels, but who, even greater and more amazingly, chooses to pour His glory into the darkest moments of agony and pain and shame. The God of the dead and the dying. Oh the wonder of a God who fulfills His glory in the weakest things of this world, in the weakest moments of our lives - not just once they have become strong, but in the very midst of their weakness.
I have now had 3 miscarriages in 4 years. My brokenness is undeniable, my frailty and limitations haunt me. I am weak, and I am full of sin, and I am struggling in so many ways. Sometimes I think, in every way. And I am determined to put this all out there for everyone to see because I want everyone to know the God who is the God of this moment - the ugly middle - and the God of me - the confused, angry, depressed me. He is a God worth knowing. He is a God worth trusting.
"But God demonstrates His own love toward us,
in that while we were yet sinners,
Christ died for us."
(Romans 5:8)
in that while we were yet sinners,
Christ died for us."
(Romans 5:8)
Friday, May 20, 2011
California (The Return)
We just got back from a week in California. We flew out on Thursday, the day after my newest nephew, Elias (Eli) Jack Wiedlocher was born. Eden did very well on the plane (for which some credit must definitely be given to the creators of Wall-E and Smarties). Since we had seen that the weather was about to get a little chilly and rainy (for almost the exact duration of our stay) we took advantage of the sunshine on Friday morning and headed to the beach. As you already know, Eden has been talking about the beach since before Christmas. I'm happy to report that reality seemed to live up to her expectations - to say that she had a good time would be an incredible understatement. She loved every second of it. We dug holes in the sand and buried ourselves, we built castles, we found sea shells, and Eden and Pete even took on the freezing cold Pacific Ocean and spent time playing in the waves. She cried when we left. She asked to go back almost every day after that. Unfortunately, the weather forecast turned out to be pretty accurate so we weren't able to return. But I'm glad she had so much fun. It was definitely a great morning and probably my favorite memory of the whole trip.
It was also great to see many of our friends. We spent almost every moment of the rest of our week hanging out with friends and eating. Seriously. Luz and Patrick's wedding was awesome - Pete did a great job officiating his first wedding ceremony, and Eden did a great job looking cute and getting covered in dirt. The wedding reception was catered by some delicious taco place, and we got to pig out on carne asada and rice and beans and guacamole and horchata and holy moly do I love Mexican food. Luz was beautiful, the newlyweds were adorable, and we were so glad to get to celebrate with them. We hung out with many more friends over the next several days, and continued to eat our way through Southern California, making stops for In-N-Out, sushi, Starbucks (multiple times), Intelligentsia, Jamba Juice, Baja Fresh, and afternoon tea at The Chado Tea Room. Sadly, I never made it to Rubios for my favorite fish taco, but I guess that just means we'll have to plan a return trip soon.
Thank you so much to all of our friends who hosted us and took us out for dinner and cooked us meals and made time in your schedules to come see us and let us borrow your vehicles, etc. We were so glad to see all of you and spend a little time in the city where Eden was born and where we spent eight years of our lives. At one point, as we were driving home from a restaurant after a great dinner with friends, we pulled up to an intersection just a few blocks from our old apartment - and intersection I've probably sat at a hundred times - and for a fleeting second I had the feeling of, "oh good, we're almost home." But we weren't of course - home is in a new place now: in a house instead of an apartment, in a small town instead of a major city, in a region of green grass and spring thunderstorms instead of desert and mountains and ocean. I love our new home, and I was so very glad to come back to it yesterday, but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Pasadena and Southern California. I wish I could somehow live in both places at once, and I most definitely wish that we could always live surrounded by all of our friends. But I'm so thankful for the memories we made on this trip.
And I'm so, so thankful that I get to be with these two, wherever they are:
It was also great to see many of our friends. We spent almost every moment of the rest of our week hanging out with friends and eating. Seriously. Luz and Patrick's wedding was awesome - Pete did a great job officiating his first wedding ceremony, and Eden did a great job looking cute and getting covered in dirt. The wedding reception was catered by some delicious taco place, and we got to pig out on carne asada and rice and beans and guacamole and horchata and holy moly do I love Mexican food. Luz was beautiful, the newlyweds were adorable, and we were so glad to get to celebrate with them. We hung out with many more friends over the next several days, and continued to eat our way through Southern California, making stops for In-N-Out, sushi, Starbucks (multiple times), Intelligentsia, Jamba Juice, Baja Fresh, and afternoon tea at The Chado Tea Room. Sadly, I never made it to Rubios for my favorite fish taco, but I guess that just means we'll have to plan a return trip soon.
Thank you so much to all of our friends who hosted us and took us out for dinner and cooked us meals and made time in your schedules to come see us and let us borrow your vehicles, etc. We were so glad to see all of you and spend a little time in the city where Eden was born and where we spent eight years of our lives. At one point, as we were driving home from a restaurant after a great dinner with friends, we pulled up to an intersection just a few blocks from our old apartment - and intersection I've probably sat at a hundred times - and for a fleeting second I had the feeling of, "oh good, we're almost home." But we weren't of course - home is in a new place now: in a house instead of an apartment, in a small town instead of a major city, in a region of green grass and spring thunderstorms instead of desert and mountains and ocean. I love our new home, and I was so very glad to come back to it yesterday, but I will always have a soft spot in my heart for Pasadena and Southern California. I wish I could somehow live in both places at once, and I most definitely wish that we could always live surrounded by all of our friends. But I'm so thankful for the memories we made on this trip.
And I'm so, so thankful that I get to be with these two, wherever they are:
Monday, May 9, 2011
Thoughts For Monday
To continue my pattern of stealing things from other people's blogs, today I'm going to post a list of thoughts for the day/week/month/however long it's been since I last posted. They will be in no particular order other than the order in which they come to my mind. Which frankly might prove interesting to those of you with psychology degrees. (All one of you.) Or not. But there's only one way to find out so here goes:
1. My last post is the closest I've ever come to regretting putting something on my blog. It was honest and nobody has been weird or mean about it or anything, but I still wonder if it might have been a tad too... heavy? For the average reader who's just stopping by for some more cute pictures of Eden? If so, I apologize. I definitely had a spidey-sense that what I wrote might have caused a bit more concern among some than I intended. (I intended zero. Zero concern units.) Of course, it was also probably not wise to blog about feeling depressed and then just sort of drop off the Interwebs for awhile, but sometimes I'm just busy doing normal life stuff and don't feel particularly like writing or can't really think of anything interesting to write about (not that that has really ever stopped me before), and then suddenly I realize how much time has passed and it's: oh yeah, my blog - maybe I should post something quick before everyone (including myself) forgets the address.
2. In other news, I am okay. Nobody worry.
3. Depression still stinks though, just in case anyone was wondering. Thought I'd clear that up for you in case you were going to guess the opposite or something.
4. We bought a new car! Well, you know, new to us. I think it will work well for us as long as we never need to drive anyone taller than... me... anywhere. So, that's good, no?
5. It really should be more fun to spend thousands of dollars on something. Like at least one hundred times the thrill you get when you buy something you didn't even know you needed on clearance at Target. Right? Am I crazy here? (Do not answer that question.) Frankly, this whole used-car-buying-experience was pretty much no fun at all. I feel a smidge cheated in that department.
6. Mother's Day was very nice. We had a picnic in the backyard. Eden bought me a balloon. I think I'll keep her. :)
7. Apparently I don't do a lot of thinking because coming up with this list is proving much harder than I expected.
8. Tomorrow night is the Mother-Daughter Banquet at church. Wednesday my newest nephew will be born. Thursday we leave for a week in California. Friday I may need a caramel frappuccino injected straight into my veins. (But, because we will be in Southern California, that will only require walking to the corner - pretty much any corner.) I may or may not need to immediately follow that up with a fish taco. SoCal friends, take note.
9. I bought a swimsuit online in a fit of desperation. It is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I'm already 95% sure that I will be returning it. Why oh why did I ever buy that Raging Rivers season pass for me and Eden? Couldn't I just have bought a kiddie pool for the backyard and called it a day?
10. There's a pan of chocolate brownies on the table with my name on it. I mean, I'm returning the swimsuit anyway, right?
Adios!
1. My last post is the closest I've ever come to regretting putting something on my blog. It was honest and nobody has been weird or mean about it or anything, but I still wonder if it might have been a tad too... heavy? For the average reader who's just stopping by for some more cute pictures of Eden? If so, I apologize. I definitely had a spidey-sense that what I wrote might have caused a bit more concern among some than I intended. (I intended zero. Zero concern units.) Of course, it was also probably not wise to blog about feeling depressed and then just sort of drop off the Interwebs for awhile, but sometimes I'm just busy doing normal life stuff and don't feel particularly like writing or can't really think of anything interesting to write about (not that that has really ever stopped me before), and then suddenly I realize how much time has passed and it's: oh yeah, my blog - maybe I should post something quick before everyone (including myself) forgets the address.
2. In other news, I am okay. Nobody worry.
3. Depression still stinks though, just in case anyone was wondering. Thought I'd clear that up for you in case you were going to guess the opposite or something.
4. We bought a new car! Well, you know, new to us. I think it will work well for us as long as we never need to drive anyone taller than... me... anywhere. So, that's good, no?
5. It really should be more fun to spend thousands of dollars on something. Like at least one hundred times the thrill you get when you buy something you didn't even know you needed on clearance at Target. Right? Am I crazy here? (Do not answer that question.) Frankly, this whole used-car-buying-experience was pretty much no fun at all. I feel a smidge cheated in that department.
6. Mother's Day was very nice. We had a picnic in the backyard. Eden bought me a balloon. I think I'll keep her. :)
7. Apparently I don't do a lot of thinking because coming up with this list is proving much harder than I expected.
8. Tomorrow night is the Mother-Daughter Banquet at church. Wednesday my newest nephew will be born. Thursday we leave for a week in California. Friday I may need a caramel frappuccino injected straight into my veins. (But, because we will be in Southern California, that will only require walking to the corner - pretty much any corner.) I may or may not need to immediately follow that up with a fish taco. SoCal friends, take note.
9. I bought a swimsuit online in a fit of desperation. It is supposed to arrive tomorrow. I'm already 95% sure that I will be returning it. Why oh why did I ever buy that Raging Rivers season pass for me and Eden? Couldn't I just have bought a kiddie pool for the backyard and called it a day?
10. There's a pan of chocolate brownies on the table with my name on it. I mean, I'm returning the swimsuit anyway, right?
Adios!
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